Thoughts on how we were groomed

I guess I can say that I was groomed 3 times. the first time when I was 9 me and my best friend would go to the basement of his house where his father made wine. We would go down and drink, get all giggly and a little sexual together. When my best friend's sister came down and found us she told us that she wanted to take pictures and we were fine with this. This continued pretty much for 5 years so while we would get pretty drunk, high on sniffing glue and eventually weed and pills she would snap away. She was selling our pictures to the boy magazines that were around in the '60s and who knows who else but those pictures are on the net.

The second time was when I was 12 years old I fell in love with my judo instructor. He became the replacement for the father that never noticed me. He took me to every museum in NYC many times, took me to the NY World's Fair a bunch of times, we went to so many places together. I loved him and thought that sex was part of loving someone and I did love being with him. The only problem is that he pimped me over the next 7 years, at least 2 johns a week, a photo shoot and some man/boy orgies.

the third time was when I was 14 and my judo instructor took me to a tailor for a Nehru jacket which was in style in the early '60s. I would go back to the tailor (without my judo instructor) for fittings maybe once or twice a week over the course of many weeks. But then the fittings turned into fitting not only the jacket but shirts, pants and bathing suits. He told me that he was taking pictures of me to show people he knew that had a modeling agency and he was sure that they would be very interested in me. That film studio turned out to be a year of hell of horrible torture doing things no kid should have to do or done to him to make movies. During that year I was electrocuted, beaten, turned into a real druggy and attempted suicide twice at 14-1/2

I never thought anything bad about my best friends sister taking pictures me and my friend we were enjoying it. My judo instructor was a father figure to me and I still have a problem calling him and abuser. To me he is two personalities, one someone I love and the second someone who pimped me and introduced me to the tailor. I have yet not been able to bring the two personalities together. To me his is two different people. The tailor was a slick front for a pornography ring.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

Like you i fell in love with my (abuser). Like you i don't feel like it was abuse from him. It was all about love & i would do anything for him, anywhere & any time, i was going to be the best gay boy towards him.

How could grooming (love) been so wrong? I adopted him to be the "mom" & dad that i never had.
We were together for 6 years off & on. He was a huge part of me for over 60 years. I still love him & never wished that he was dead.

I told my "mom" during her fits of rage that "I wished you were dead." Was she grooming me? After all she told me that i was "the man of the house." Along with all the ramifications of that meaning. I was 8 years old.
While i was in that Catholic orphanage/Home she came to visit me with a strange man.He asked me for permission to marry my "mom."
I guess that was her way of telling me that i was no longer "the man of the house." I was 15 years old at the time.

I still don't consider Ralph an abuser, I loved him & he loved me. He told me so & I told him so. Was i grooming him?

Pretty hard to come to terms with the words groomed.
After all i had instigated many a session with him.
Again was i grooming him?

Thanks for posting your thoughts about it. That took a lot of courage for you to share your feelings about it.

Wishing you well in healing, my brother, Jeff.


Hi Jeff,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I understand from your previous posts that it is still quite difficult for you to provide much detail on the abuse you suffered and to be open about it, and for that I must commend you for your courage. I find that with survivors, opening up more and more in a secure environment really does help one feel validated and relieved. In many ways, others reading your experiences will feel relieved and validated too, knowing that someone else has had similar experiences, just as may be the case with you reading and hearing about others'.

Many of the details of your abuse are quite upsetting and again, I really sorry that you had to experience that. HUGS

What you described sounds very similar to the former child actor Corey Feldman. If I could, I would post here two links of him on youtube on "The View" and on ABC speaking about the pedophilia ring in Hollywood and the abuse of child actors. You will find many parallels with how he describes what went on: picture taking for "casting"/career promises and the naivety of being so young and groomed into the abuse that he didn't realize the severity of it until he was an adult (like myself and the child pornography exploitation I experienced). Most kids are abused by someone who they know and trust, or sometimes exposed to abuse VIA those who they know and trust. For myself, I felt alone and isolated as a child questioning his sexuality and so any attention I received from adults I welcomed and valued. Just like with bullying, kids who are victimized are often targeted because of certain weaknesses or vulnerabilities, however there is the addition that they are groomed and entangled into the abuse.

Going back to Corey Feldman, he is beginning to expose this underworld of Hollywood child abuse to the mainstream from his book to media appearances.

Sending you BIG HUGS!
First I must say that I don't remember my life before 9 years old. I do remember being beaten by my mother but not much else. I see parallels between all of our stories that might be considered grooming and that's the fact that none of us found love in the home. A kid shouldn't have to get online or seek out someone in order to get the attention that is so lacking in the home. The same goes for for kids before the advent of social media or the net. We should never have had to go find love from someone else, it should have been supplied at home.

In my case the environment at home was always an argument and that I could do nothing right. I was also an ornament used by my parents to be accepted into upper middle class society where kids were to be seen and not heard. My parents had a house (eventually they had 2 by the time I was 13), 2 cars and a social life that included only one child. This was the American dream of upper middle class life. I was always in an argument with my mother and my father never said anything, he only read his books. My parents always had some kind of social event at home and I was brought out all dressed up in a suit and tie to be introduced to everyone and then sent back to my room, take my suit off and put it away and not allowed to to be seen after that.

I found love in my best friend who lived across the street from me. We were always together and usually naked for some reason or another. His sister was an amature photographer who found us to be great subject matter. She was a very nice person and we didn't mind being photographed. There was always an abundance of wine to be had and glue to sniff so we really didn't mind anything. What we didn't know at the time was that she was selling those photographs to magazines or whoever wanted pics of naked kids. And so started the next 10 years in some part of the sex trade. I would say that over the next 5 years that she could have taken a thousand or maybe even two photos of me and her brother.

This all was the environment I lived in and understood that sex was acceptable and that sex was a major part of love. That set me up at 12 to very easily fall in love with my judo instructor, or as I called him papasan and begin life in the "game".

I would hope that posting links will eventually be clarified because interviews with child actors who did anything to get "the job" are a big resource to understanding grooming.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


There is another variable that can contribute to csa. Obedience to authority. In my case I had a very loving and safe environment at home. My family was devout and I went to an all male religious school that my Dad and his brothers had attended. It was a tradition in our family that you went to that school.

It was in the 1950's and it was a time in which you were taught to be respectful and obedient with your elders, and this included your teachers. So, when my teacher asked me to stay in class after school, it was natural that I would obey his orders. I was nine years old.
Hey Jay

Yes that was in itself a type of grooming. Obedience to authority opened the door to any kid for CSA no matter what type of family he came from. I was born in the '50s but I really don't remember much of anything before the age or 9. One of the things that I do remember was when I was in elementary school. One day the class was brought into an empty room and had to stand in line for a doctor to give us a physical. When the doctor told me to drop my pants and underwear and pull up my shirt I dropped them with no questions asked, even while the school nurse helped me pull up my shirt and teacher stood by next to me. The class was also able to see what was going on because we were all in the same room one kid behind another, we weren't brought into an examining room one by one. We were told to cough and breath to listen to our chest and then made to turn around facing the class so he could listen to our breathing from the back. A slap on the ass followed and I was told to get dressed while another kid was called.

Now that you mention this I can very easily see a teacher keeping me after class and asking me to strip and I would without any questions asked. It would be mind boggling to see how many kids were abused this way.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey Jeff,

Thanks for starting this thread. I think it is helpful to discuss the grooming aspect of child pornography. I dont know that it is much different than grooming in general, but I think perps can make anything seem normal and reasonable to a young boy, no matter if it is doing sexual things or taking pictures of boys naked or engaged in sex acts. That is the true insidious nature of perps: they spot weakness and can manipulate it to meet their needs, all under the veneer of reasonableness or persuasiveness. In that sense I believe they are true sociopaths.

***Trigger Warning***

This is a detailed and long account of my grooming. There are lots of triggers below so please be forewarned

The background to my experiences with child pornography was that before the abuse happened with my coach, I had already been sexually abused by my biological father, who abused me from 3-5 and then abandoned my brother and I and terminated his parental rights. So, I already had significant damage to my self-esteem, my sense of relations with adult men, and traumatic early exposure to sex. I was a little storm of trauma brewing, looking for a safe harbor so to speak. I wanted male attention to fill some obvious gaps in my young life. What I got was a monster.

It has taken me many years to reconstruct this timeline from my disjointed memories. But, lots of writing and charting my timeline as things sprouted up contributed to a more cohesive memory.

It all started when I started gymnastics, which I did from the ages of 7-10. I went to gymnastics practice I think about 3-4 times a week for 3 hour practices. I have determined that he was a professional pedophile with a long history of abuse. He was very sophisticated. The coach had a back room behind his office where the abuse happened. It was a locked room that had all of his cameras, film cameras, lights, white screens, and a mattress. I think there was bathroom back there too. He was definitely part of a pedophile ring.

My coach singled me out of all the other boys. He first took time out to talk to me and comment on my work. He didnt do this to all the boys. And as head coach, if he stopped and said something it meant something to all of the other boys. So, he started making good comments about how I did a maneuver or learned a new skill on the equipment. From that, he would stop to help me with my form or a particularly hard skill. He started spotting me more on the equipment and helping me with stretches. He would always lay his hands on my body for long periods of time, or run them along my legs, torso, or arms. He gradually got me comfortable with him touching me.

One day called me to his office. He said he was impressed with my talent. He said I had the potential to be a good gymnast and how good it was that I started young. He said I was doing better than older boys who had been doing gymnastics for years. He said it was great to learn young because my body was just developing. He wanted to start a routine schedule that was pretty intense. I would be working directly with him, and some of it would involve doing things that the other boys didnt do because I was above their skill level. I thought I was so special to be singled out. I thought it meant I was really good. I was so proud of myself. I cant tell you what that felt like, to the boy I was then. That boy whos own father had left him and felt like he was worthless because of it. It was everything I wanted to hear. Unfortunately for me, it was also a lie.

He did start me on the routine, and I did really well at it. Thinking back now, I dont think he lied about my talent. I think I was really good. My brother and my mother attest to the fact that I was really talented. My brother says I competed in meets and scored really well. I dont remember any meets, and have vague and patchy memories of doing those routines.

He called me back to his office one day. He told me he was doing a membership drive for the gym and he wanted to feature a couple of boys from the gym on his new gym brochure. He showed me an old brochure with pictures of a couple of boys doing workouts on the equipment or smiling. He wanted me for it since he was trying to get younger boys in that could become great gymnasts like me. He asked if I would like to be in it and help him out. Of course I said yes. And that is how it all started. He had me come into his back room where he had a camera set up. He wanted to do a bunch of test shots first. The next day, he wanted me to do a lot of different poses for the camera in various stretches and positions.

Next, he said he wanted to get some pictures of me in a special outfit he had with the gym name and logo on it. It was like an official Olympics outfit. I thought it was so amazing. I changed into it and I looked like a real gymnast, just like I dreamed of being. I just remember smiling so big wearing it. He took a whole series of pictures in that outfit. I wonder now how many other boys he had made wear that outfit before, and how many after me. I get chills just thinking about it.

He asked if he could have a picture without my shirt on. He said I had such nice muscles that it would be great to get pictures to show other boys how muscular they could get doing gymnastics. After that, he asked if he could get one with just my gym shorts on to show my legs. The next day he said the pictures didnt come out well, so lets put some oil on to show the muscles so the flash picked up on them. He spent a long time rubbing the oil in, but by that time I was used to his touch. And he made it seem so normal and casual.

After that, he asked if he could take some close ups of my muscles on my upper legs and stomach to show other boys what great muscles looked like. He said I would have to take my shorts off so they didnt get in the way of the muscles. I was hesitant around this. But, he joked around and said he would take his clothes off too, so it would be like the locker room when all the guys changed, then I wouldnt feel so alone. I agreed to do that. So, he took off his clothes, and I took off mine and we laughed and joked about it. He rubbed the oil all over my body, and I posed for him. He took lots of pictures. I felt really safe with him. I wish I hadnt, but the fact is that I did.

From there, it progressed. It started as him tickling me when putting the oil on. Then, he would try to wrestle with me and pin me down. I would slip out of his grasp and would climb on top of him. It wasnt anything sexual to me. I felt like I had a real dad to horse around with. Then, one day, he just held me down and kissed me. I was so shocked, I didnt know what to do. I started to pull away from him and he held me down. He said there were a lot of things we could do to have fun with each other. He touched me in my privates, told me to touch him. He kissed me again. He said he wanted to show me something. I knew what was coming, because of what Id been through with my father. I felt weird about it, but I never stopped him. So, he did it. He penetrated me, and it was really painful. It brought back memories of my father. I cried. But, unlike my father, coach would hold me and kiss me and tell me how special I was. I think I just was happy he wasnt talking bad about me or hitting me like my father.

I must have been his easiest mark ever. A gift wrapped present for him. Of course he did all of the normal perp things like telling me I couldnt tell, that he would be taken to jail, that people wouldnt understand what we had, that my mother would not want me around any more. To a boy whos father abandoned him, this last threat seemed plausible and terrifying. So, it bound me to him and became our secret and I built up a lot of internal shame around it.

We would do a few days of back room stuff, and a few days of gym workouts. Sometimes splitting the day, like 1 hour of gym stuff and 2 hours of back room stuff. He loved to film me and film us both doing sexual things to each other. He had sex with me all the time. It was always painful, but I did it and hated myself for doing it somewhere deep inside. After a while, he introduced an older boy into occasional sessions. He would man the camera, and direct me and the older boy what to do to each other, and make comments while he did it. I was really shy around the other boy, and coach thought that was cute. So, he had the older boy play like my older brother and play together, then he had us gradually do sexual things.

After that, coach started bringing other men into the back room occasionally. He would bring them in from a back door to alley behind the gym. They were sleazy guys in my memory. I think they were perps that were paying him to watch and play with me. In that sense, I was being pimped out by coach. I didnt know it, but that is what it was. The stuff with the guys got worse and worse. He would have them undress and watch us. Then, he would have them lay with us, and he would have me touch the other men and have them touch me. Then, he would get up and fool with the camera while I laid there with the men and coach would film them touching me. This started happening more and more.

Eventually, he told me that one of the men wanted to do our special game. I didnt want to. Coach had to persuade me and convince me to do it. He said I had to do it, or the men would tell what we were doing. I had done this enough to know it was something no one could know about me. I knew it was shameful and a secret inside. I couldnt risk my mother finding out about it. I was trapped. So, that is how I first had sex with another man with coach filming. It was awful and a hundred times worse than with coach. This memory is a jumble of red and painful flashes. I remember crying under the hot white lights and flashes of the camera.

Once that started, it became the norm. I would have men do stuff with me on the camera pretty much all the time. I rarely did gymnastics, only for 30 minutes or so. Coach would take me to the back room, and all the boys would watch me walk back there. I have no idea what they thought, but I thought they all knew. I think I had begun dissociating as a rule by this point, I was numbed out and just sleepwalking through my life.

After the men were gone, coach would calm me down and get me cleaned up. He would be warm and nice during this time. He would walk me through the stories to tell my mother. Being at a gym was a perfect cover for any bruises, sores, or fatigue. We just had to say I fell onto equipment during a spin, or hit the parallel bars, or over-worked my muscles. It was the perfect front. It could be spun a million ways without drawing suspicion. None of the stories were sophisticated, it was something a 7-10 year old could do.

I shut out so much of my experiences in that gym for so many years. I have flashes of horrible things happening in the back room. I see the scenarios getting more elaborate and intense. I would sometimes be with several men at once. I slid into a depression and my life sort of shut down. I started wetting the bed during this period, which would last for years. I started letting my body go, because it had betrayed me so much, and seemed like the thing that brought attention from coach and the men. Its ironic that my muscle tone faded and my body sort of disintegrated when I was supposed to be fine-tuning my body through sport.

And this is when I started to truly understand the impact of all of these images being taken of me. I started to understand other people out there, unknown to me, could see them. And the seeds of paranoia were planted at this young age.

It sounds like my memories are full, but they are not. This is what I have reconstructed from flashbacks, memories, and such since I started remembering. I still have no recollection really of what parts of the gym look like. I have flashes of being on equipment, and the back door, the hallway, the office, the porn setup, but I couldnt draw it or describe it in great detail. I dont remember the outside of the gym, I dont remember meets. The other thing is I dont remember faces. I have no idea what coach looks like. I sense his presence in my memories, I see his body, hear his voice, feel his touch. But, no memory of his face. It is just this amorphous blur.

It is the same with all of the staff there and the perps in the back room. I get vivid flashes of things happening in front of the cameras. They are very detailed. I feel the lights, I see the sheets on the mattress close up, hear the camera clicking and flashing, and that noise of the flash recharging. I feel hands on me, bodies pressed against me, the sweat, the sounds, and the smells. But, no faces. I assume they threatened me, and that is why I blocked the memories of that out. I am still scared to remember that. Or maybe I dont really need to.

So that is a very long and detailed account of my grooming and gradual introduction to child pornography. It was a hard subject for me to confront. My nightmares, flashbacks, and memories have been really intense. But, I have been able to surface all of this, and finally to understand that the boy I was at that time was up against things he had no way of avoiding, circumventing, or escaping. Things never happen in isolation.

Now I can see how my earlier abuse impacted me, splintering me into a mix of needs and fears. I can see how a perpetrator would have been attracted to me, and how my coach inserted himself into my young life with the impression that he could meet all those needs and quell all of my fears. But, they were lies, told to a kid to earn his trust, so that he could meet his own needs. I was simply up against something I was not able to stop. That happens in life sometimes, and not just with abuse. But now, as an adult, I am capable of doing something about it. I am capable of healing and addressing the needs of that child, and that is what I am doing.

I am working now on finding my needs again, independent of the needs of other people. It is hard. My impulse is to please and comfort others. Some of this impulse is from my own innate personality, some of it is from survival skills. The more I tease apart myself from my abuse, the more me I am becoming. Talking and sharing allows me to untangle me from everything else. It allows me to unearth who I truly am, and in so doing, allows me to untie the ropes that perpetrators had used to bind me to them. It is very liberating and I am truly starting to emerge finally after all these years. Thanks for providing a safe place to do this.
Hey ((((( Todd )))))

Your's is a chilling story about how perps groom kids and once caught in their net they cannot get away, they are stuck and totally at the mercy of the abuser. Thanks for opening up it is a great help to all of us especially to me. I have found that telling one's story so totally and publicly is very healing, but so far I have only opened up in private. I hope with your post it will make it possible for others to tell their stories.

I know for me telling my story in private has had great impact and healing effect on me and what was eating at me for 40+ years. Telling your story in public has had a tremendous impact on me and I hope a healing effect on you.

As for me I'm still scared what others will think of me about parts of my story but in a way it has to be told to show how kids are groomed and controlled by people and perps and the horrible consequences they go through and even cause to others.

Thanks so much Todd for breaking the ice

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


((Todd)), ((Jeff)), and ((Jay))

You are such brave men and I am so proud of you all for coming forth and sharing your experiences. I found it emotionally quite difficult to read your detailed stories and I am amazed by your resilience. Todd, reading your account made me want to jump in and protect you. I have such a deep respect for your current recovery work and healing of your inner child.

I was thinking today about how many of us abuse survivors have had our personalities tremendously imprinted by the abuse, and those feelings of wanting to please others or inadequacy (even in terms of being a 'legitimate' survivor) have been represented by us here on this thread.

Jay thank you for opening up and joining our conversation. I am glad to see that you too have recognized the role and conditions that the grooming took place in your experience. I believe this is an important part of the healing process as we begin to dissect our pasts.

Jeff, you stated that you don't know how your story will be accepted by others but remember this: what is your reaction to reading Todd's, Jay's, and others' stories? What has been the mainstream reaction to stories of abuse that western societies are beginning to adopt from outrage to institutionalized clerical abuse to gang rapes in India? That is going to be the response you will receive as you come forward about your story to more and more people. You will be believed and you will be validated. Those who might reject or trivialize your story are either trying to protect themselves via denial or are completely ignorant to the topic. There is more and more education out there about how children are groomed and about the dynamics and magnitude of abuse and as a result, more and more people are beginning to recognize and accept its reality while becoming sympathetic to the needs and experiences of survivors.
Hey JayBro

You are correct and it is a breath of fresh air to be able to get my past off my chest. I am going to discuss it with my T tomorrow morning and speak to a few people that already know my story. Something wants me to tell it and something is holding me back. But reading Todd's story besides being a chilling account of what he went through but the courage it took to tell it. I'm sure it must be very relieving to him to finally get it out. His courage shows me that I must come out with my story sooner than later. Our stories are for people to understand how grooming leads to disaster, destroys the kid and destroys the life of the man he becomes.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


Hi Jeff,

I am so glad to hear this! You have a whole team of people here to support you! How was your conversation with your T about opening up and/or explaining your story? The feeling of hesitation can be quite strong and it is definitely a part of what makes seeking help and acknowledging the past so difficult to begin with.

Yes, our stories are for others as well as for ourselves. In addition to creating understanding, they also help illuminate the darkness of isolation that we all feel from our experiences. I am so glad that you are beginning to light up your path!



I've wanted to write something on this forum for a while, but i haven't been able to. but hell, here it goes.
My parents had been abusing me since as long as I could remember. when i was 11 my dad started taking me to a 'friends' house, a four hour or so drive north. the guy had a camera and some friends and they did terrible terrible things to me. my dad only took me a handful of times over a few years, but it is still a huge thing that i can't get over. I loved my dad and felt immense relief and love for him when he would take me back home after these visits, which just complicates my feelings for him and the abuse he put me through.
I was doomed from the start, I had no one to tell and no one to stand up for me. the people that should have cared were the ones doing it. i always did what people asked me to do, i was who they wanted me to be, it was how i survived. i guess i was groomed for this from the minute i was born.
I hate thinking about the porn stuff, it makes me feel like i can't breathe. my parents are gone and I am safe from them, but knowing that pictures of me still exist, video, whatever, on the internet, forever.... i can't think about that too much. it feels like it will never be over.



Thank you so much for posting your story on here. That took a tremendous amount of courage. I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. Even if it only happened once, it would have an understandably big impact on one's life. It is also especially difficult given that, as you mentioned, the persons responsible where the ones who were supposed to protect you on this Earth. The love and feelings of loyalty to these trusted persons really does create an easy target and it also keeps the target entrenched in a web of guilt, fear, and feeling of powerlessness to stop it. (Albeit, child abuse is not something that any child can stop on his or her own and they are therefore not responsible for the abuse!)

The betrayal you experienced from your father and the love you had for him which he manipulated is truly a horrendous crime. I am sure you may have begun to see parallels in your experience with those of others here on this thread and the wider male survivor forum, along with any other work you have been doing outside of here. These themes are so universal and typical of child abuse. It is no wonder that the majority of perpetrators are persons who have access to their victims' trust and/or are in some form of authority in their victims' lives.

I am thinking about you Bey. While our photos, videos etc may still be circulating somewhere, they are not US- there is so much more to us as human beings which those perps could never have captured. Our resilience, even just that of being here today, has shown that we really have won. The greatest form of justice we can find for ourselves is to journey down our paths of recovery and to re-take our lives.
Hey JayBro

The discussion with my T went quite well. It didn't make anything more easy to swallow but I'm putting something together and I'll pass it to a friend and a mod and see what they say. To me it is very triggering and might be to others. But between you and Toddop I thank you for the push and the discussion I had with my T today.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey Bey

Like JayBro said it took a tremendous amount of courage to say what you did.

We have to get used to the idea that our stuff is out there and probably being traded, downloaded or whatever, otherwise it will be something else to eat away at your soul. I personally don't have problems anymore with the fact that my pictures or films turned into videos are out there, what I have a problem with is how I was used to make them and how I was made to create bad memories for others. This all comes down to grooming and especially in cases where one loves the person who did the grooming. I still cannot call my judo instructor an abuser even after I now know what went on with him for 7 years. That could also be increased to 10 years if I can put that part of the puzzle together.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
I have had a tremendous amount of help and encouragement in writing and posting this overview of my childhood from the age or 9 till I went into the USAF at 18-1/2. I hope this post this will be beneficial in someway in seeing how the results of grooming (controlling) a child can lead to the total loss of control of his childhood and how it can haunt that person throughout adulthood.


I'm sorry that I have to put this warning up but the events in this post are still triggering to me so it might be triggering to some of you.

I have a very limited memory of my life before the age of nine so for all intent and purpose my life began at nine years old.

As I've already mentioned before I was exposed to having pictures of me taken along with my best friend by his sister when we were both nine. Being gay I was very close with my friend Lanny and I knew his sister Cathy as a very nice person who was about 6 years older than us. Lanny's father made his own wine and had a bunch of big barrels of it in the basement. We had the honor of helping him squash the grapes for the wine making process. We would also go down there and treat ourselves when in the mood, which was unfortunately very often. I don't remember how it started but Cathy had started taking pictures of us probably after we had a little too much wine. Lanny and I would also shoplift some extra glue when we bought plastic model cars to build so we added sniffing glue besides drinking. We felt there was nothing wrong with Cathy taking pictures of us, we also didn't know that she was selling the pictures she was taking to magazines and elsewhere. This went on for about 5 years along with the introduction of different kinds of drugs. This lasted till I more or less left the neighborhood because of my involvement with my judo instructor. My mother started spending the winters in Florida and my father would fly down every weekend starting when I was 13-1/2. I was a home alone kid with no siblings. I was one of the objects that every upper middle class family needed in order to be part of society. I learned from that early experience that I would have no love from my parents but from my friend and his sister that love was sexual and there was nothing wrong with it.

When I was 11 I started practicing judo in a local dojo which had a main school in the city. I loved this sport and I wanted to one day when I grew up to go to the olympics. I was good and had some of the best instructors that came from Japan.

When I was 12 one of the instructors came from the city school to the one I practiced in. The Japanese players were very traditional and old school when we practiced. If there was no pain there would be no gain. I was very good at taking the pain and I wanted to be a student of this particular instructor. I would do all the exercises along with all the pain so that I would be noticed. I started staying till the last classes where held on any particular day. After the last class of the day all the men plus me would take showers and sit in the sauna. I became the sauna's water boy. It was my job to water the rocks to make steam and hose down the benches so the men could sit or lay down. In a matter of weeks I became his favorite judo player and became very close to him. In no time he was washing my back and me his back. In the dojo everything was work and no best friends but in the showers he did show me kindness.

My mother was a pain in the ass and nothing but arguments and beatings and my father would just tune out never coming to mediate any disagreements between my mother and me. For this reason I was looking for someone who showed me some attention and kindness. This kindness was to come from my judo instructor.

After a month my judo instructor would start taking me to the city to practice there every Thursday night and I would sleep over his apartment that night and he would take me to school Friday morning. Many times there were photo shoots to be taken to after practice. Spending time in the city escalated to staying the weekends practicing all day Saturday, then take me places Sunday like museums or to photo shoots and then back to school for Monday morning. We would sleep together naked which at that time I saw nothing wrong with it I felt that is what a father does with his son. To me he was not only my judo instructor but became papasan or my father.

At 12-1/2 after a day of practicing we would go back to his apartment and smoke a little. Then he had started telling he had emergencies at the office (I thought he was a lawyer by day) and that he would take me to his friend's place and he would take care of me until he came to pick me up early in the morning. I didn't know it yet but this was the start of being pimped. I would stay with these friends who would give me more to smoke until I was high and very accommodating. We would be naked together until papasan would pick me up. Almost always these people took their own home photos or movies of me. This continued until I went to highly prestigious high school at 13. At that time he started picking me up on Thursdays after school and we would go to the city school to practice. After practice I was taken to his apartment to spend the night together, taken to a photo shoot or dropped off at someone else's apartment. Sometimes I would be taken to the Horn & Hardart Cafeteria and wait for the john to come pick me up. Once the john came papasan left and I went with the john. By this time I knew what was happening with me but I wanted papasan and as my T puts it I would do anything to stay with him. But in almost each and every case there was one thing in common and that was photos and or movies were taken of me. This was to continue until I went into the USAF at 18-1/2. I even stayed with him when I came home on leave and also turned a few tricks for him.

My life was to changed drastically when I was 14. Papasan took me to a tailor to buy me a Nehru jacket. Since it wasn't too far from my house I went back for fittings by myself. These fittings took a number of weeks. The tailor said that before he could fit a jacket I had to have a new shirt and pants. Before long he had me in my underwear and told me that he wanted to take pictures of me since I was a beautiful boy and show them to people he knows in the modeling business. He told me that they do modeling for store advertisements, commercials and movies and he thinks that I would be perfect for them. So he took pictures of me dressed, in my underwear and of course without anything so he could show to his friends. He told me that he would speak to his friends and would give me an answer when I came back to pick up the jacket and cloths the next day.

When I came to pick up my cloths the tailor told me that when I come home from school on the city bus that coming Tuesday I should get off the bus at the local Wetson's, which was the same thing as a McDonald's. He gave me a phone number to call and someone would come and pick me up. I was always a very naive kid and believed the tailor, he was after all a very nice man. As a matter of fact I believed everything people told me.

Tuesday came and I made the phone call and shortly after someone drove up asked me a few questions and told me to get in. He told me not to look out the windows but at the floor. As I looked down at the floor I got a backhand across my face, he grabs me by my hair and throws me to the floor of the car bleeding from my nose. We drove into the garage of a house where I was taken out stripped by two women, given something to drink and cleaned up. After the drink took affect I was taken into a white room with a large bed and white sheet. There was a number of pictures and movies taken of me being molested by bodybuilder types of men. This is one reason that I still have problems seeing or being with men with huge muscles till today. I was then given a shower and laid in front of a TV until what ever they gave me wore off by the same women who stripped me. The women then got me dressed and gave me something to eat. Then the driver dropped me off where he picked me up. I was told to say nothing and I obeyed.

I never said anything to papasan either since he told me never go with any strangers that he doesn't know about, and I disobeyed him. So I was scared to tell him what the the tailor did. I only found out over the past 2 years that he knew the tailor. The abuse photos and movies were done every Tuesday for a number of weeks until one week came and again I was drugged and led into the room and laid down on the bed, it was a big bed with white sheets. Movies were being taken from a few cameras like usual. But this time instead of the bodybuilders being brought in they brought in 2 children that look the same age as my grandchildren, around 6 years old and drugged the same as me. They put the first kid in front of me to have sex with and I said no. They pulled that kid to the side of the bed and put the second one in front of me. Again I didn't want to so they pulled him to the side of the bed. They then grabbed me and stuck a rod up my ass turned me on my back and tied me to the four corners of the bed. They turned on the electric.

The way I know the details of what happened was only because it was all filmed. The next week I was stripped like always but given no drugs. I was led into a dark room and told to sit down on a chair in front of a movie screen. The movie that was taken of me the week before involving the children was started. There were a number of men in the room but one was telling me what was happening on the screen while he took the same rod and rubbed it over my body and stuck it into my mouth. He kept telling me over and over that I should be a good boy and also asking me if I was going to be a good boy. If I was going to be a problem with anything they told me then they would have to use the rod again but upping the electric even to the point of me dying. What I remember about this film will never leave me, it was the only movie they ever showed me. There I was tied to the four corners of a bed with an electric prod up my ass. Every fiber in my body was sticking out with pain in my face screaming. Still kneeling on the side of the bed were two crying children that were made to watch what was being done to me.

I never said no to them again. I spent one year with these movie people until they one day never answered the phone again, it was disconnected. By 15 years old I was a drug addict, badly beaten, tortured and broken kid. There had to have been thousands of pictures and I don't know how many movies taken of me over those 10 years of my childhood. I cannot tell everything that went on the year I was at the movies due to the graphic content but what I will say is that I never held any of my six children, never did homework with them, never played ball with them, never went to the zoo with them, never did anything that a normal father would do with his children. So now my kids are all grown up and 4 are married with kids of their own. There is still no normal grandfather, I cannot touch my grandchildren, cannot play with them and can never take them to the zoo either. I have never taken a picture of any of my children (my wife did that) and I still cannot use a camera and I cannot walk near a child.

There is always more to the story but I must stop here, being able to tell what I did at 14 is hard enough without going into anything more. I have gotten over the fact that pictures, movies or magazines of me and my friends are out there. I have not as yet been able to get over, and probably never will, the fact that there are pictures of me with children now on the net. I just want to say that I beg forgiveness to anyone I mistreated that year. This will always eat away at my soul. So far there is no forgiveness for me in sight. This was also the catalyst for two suicide attempts at 14-1/2 and one 3 years ago.

With all that happened I still cannot call papasan an abuser. To me he is two people, the father I always wanted and loved and also the person who sold me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey Jeff,

Thanks for sharing your story about being groomed into child pornography here in this new forum. I think it shows tremendous courage to get it out in front of other people like that. I know I felt vulnerable and wanting to delete the whole post immediately after it was up. So,if you are feeling that at all, just give it some time, and let those feelings settle. I think it is very brave of you.

Your story is quite terrifying, and very hard to read. But, so are all of the stories on MS. I really identify with a lot of your post and the "gradual build-up" to more and more complex situations involving pornography. I am sorry about all that happened to you and how how your past CSA and exploitation has negatively impacted your life. I am glad that you are now on MS, and that you are working on those issues with other guys that can understand.

I was initially hesitant to post a detailed account of my story in these pages, rather than the main Survivor Stories forum. My original story on that forum was written several years ago, and in many ways is factually incorrect, now that my memories have returned in more detail. So I thought maybe I should just re-write it and ask to have it updated.

Later, I thought about my earlier experiences on MS as my memories of the child pornography aspects of my abuse started surfacing. I would search through the survivor stories for references to child pornography. I think I was desperate to find other survivors that had similar experiences so that I could compare and help understand what I was going through and how it had affected me, both in the past and in the present.

Not that I discounted stories without the child pornography reference. But reading those that did helped me immensely to provide a context for my struggles and my own healing journey in light of this exploitation. So, it is was with that impetus that I concluded that telling this part of our stories here on this new forum is a way to make that information more accessible and centrally located, not just for myself, but for other survivors with exploitation issues on MS, or that might come to MS in the future.

Telling our stories is us finding our voice. And it is only through finding our voices that we can learn, grow, and engage with other survivors.

That is my very long-winded thanks to you Jeff for your post. It has really impacted me on a very deep level. I wish you the best as you work to heal from the horrible things that happened to you in your past. I'm on the path with you and you have my full support.
Hey Todd

Thanks for the vote of confidence but I still feel the way you did after posting. I have a real temptation to take it down. But I'm fighting myself to leave it up for at least a week or two. I kept reading and rereading it for hours with "should I/shouldn't I" post this type of feeling. Now I have the same feelings about leaving it up there. In ways it exposes the way I've felt about myself over the last 40 years. In other ways it exposes the type of kid and young man I was. Even after I left for the USAF I had come home on leave and stayed with papasan and turned a few tricks for him. So I guess that lasted till I was around 21-22. I still didn't have a hair on my face till I was 23-24 so I was able to be passed off as 16 years old. That's really sick.

I had shown this to one of the mods who suggested that it might belong better in the Survivor Stories forum but the only reason I wrote the story was primarily to show the grooming that took place and not the story itself.

((((( Thanks for your support )))))

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope



I am absolutely in awe by your resiliency.

You really do not give yourself the credit you deserve. It took so much unbelievable courage to post your story and I am humbled by your doing so. You never had a childhood. You were abused so viciously and for such a long period of time. Many of us abuse survivors who went through such prolonged periods of abuse have developed complex PTSD and it is certainly present in you as evidenced by the immense triggers (such as around your children and grandchildren) and memory gaps. I have some good news though; complex PTSD is certainly treatable!

I had been promising myself to read your story once I received a proper chance and now I have found that opportunity. It means so much to me to know that you have made such a big step. You have a therapist, you told some close persons in your life about the abuse, you joined MS, you have reduced the cutting, you are becoming a pro at analyzing and understanding the abuse and its effect on you, and now you have shared your story with other child porn survivors. Whether or not you delete your story (which is YOUR story, you can make the final decision) I understand that you have still made a great impact on your own recovery journey and even on the recovery of others. I too have always been on a hunt to find out more from other child porn survivors and you have made a tremendous contribution to this forum and to anyone reading it who has also yearned to connect.

Reading your story made me so outraged and disturbed; your abusers were true psychopaths. I am also upset that your papasan so terribly damaged you by manipulating your trust and love. I am so upset at your biological parents for beating and neglecting you. Who the #?%@ really, truly loved you and looked out for your best interests?

Also, please note, that the incidents of you and other children were NOT YOUR FAULT. You were coerced into that and had no choice. That was a further form of abuse upon you by the abusers in order to create compliance. It is a tremendously common tactic used by abusers generally in order to abuse more children and create a web of shame and guilt in their victims which reduces the chances of them coming forward. I have personally met other survivors of sexual abuse who were forced to recruit or abuse others, including siblings, by their abusers and even though it was not their fault, they, like you, are weighed down by an enormous guilt which has been a major roadblock in their recovery. Guilt stemming from this form of the abuse has led to self-destructive behaviours such as addictions, self-injury, and suicide attempts. You are absolutely not alone and while your brain has been hardwired after so many decades to feel responsible for the abuse - just like how it has been hardwired to love and cherish papasan - it is a harmful cognitive distortion which is not true and is harmful to your own recovery. It was not your fault.

Sending you hugs from across the Atlantic! You, Todd, and the other men on MS are my heroes.
Hey JayBro

I think if it weren't for Todd's courage I would never have posted so much of my story. This forum has also given me the ability to open up a little.

I thank you for accepting me for what I was and thanks for the encouragement you have given me and to so many other people here.

I had hoped to take the story of my youth to my grave when I left but I wasn't destined to get away with what I did. Before January 2011 nobody knew anything about my past or really nothing about me before I was about 22. One day I packed some stuff and left my life behind, papasan and my closest friends, by moving to a different county in NY where nobody knew me. I made it to 60 and how on one day just walking through, by accident, and standing for 45 minutes in a place I spent so many years of my life with other kids in the same game could change my life forever. It's not alway possible to hide something forever.

I would like to say more but I still have to get over the parts that I feel responsible for and right now and I'm a little triggered by my story. Again, I'm sorry for all I did and confused and full of hate for myself as to why I was unable to say no.


((((( Thanks JayBro )))))

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope