Thoughts of death and death wishes
Hi, I'm new here. My husband referred me to the forum after he discovered it, and found it tremendously helpful. He has only recently confided his SA to me after we have been together for 14 years.
Without going into much detail or back story, this came up in conjunction with other personal problems we are going through. He went through a few periods of great despondence, and expressed a wish to die. At one point, he took steps to create a cache of pills.
I was very, very frightened and disturbed right from the first suggestion of this. As a health professional, I was always taught that any threat or hint of suicide should not be dismissed; it should be taken seriously. Then I saw it progress each time, until the pills came up, and I convinced him to give them to me.
Despite his assurances each time it happened that he would never do it; that he has always felt like this, and never has the intent to actually go through with it, I would still worry. To me, it was a bit traumatizing to see him so upset, and as a result I felt paranoid and fearful for a while. This upset him. He resented what he saw as now being on constant "suicide watch," and regretted letting me see that part of him. I stayed calm and supportive, and once the moment passed he understood my intentions were not controlling, and was glad of course that I cared enough to interfere.
The issue came up in our couple's therapy, and he again felt defensive, that too much focus was being placed on this. He recently posted this in the survivor's folder, and shared the responses with me, so I would get a better understanding:
"Does anyone else see a difference between being suicidal and having a death wish? We had a long discussion about my suicidal tendencys in my couples therapy today. Now I feel like I'm on suicide watch.
I've been suicidal on several occasions but was always able to find a reason not to do it. One or more persons/people who would be devistated if I were to kill myself.
What I've always had is a death wish. I'd rather be dead but I don't want to do it. No one seems to understand the difference."
This was my reply to him:
I'm sorry if I did not articulate this more directly, but I did understand what you said and described. I really do. I think maybe what you perceive is more the fact that I can't fully empathize, or sympathize, and that for someone who cares about you, or for any loved one for these men who echoed your sentiment I bet, this wish to die is a very upsetting and frightening thing, and we can't help but react with a natural fear and concern. I'd like for you to reply to that thread further and ask them how their spouses or girlfriends deal with this aspect of SA, if they've had it come up, and see if it's similar.
So to make a long story short, does anyone share this experience, and have had to deal with a suicidal spouse, or a spouse who says he wishes he would die, it would make it easier? How did you react? Was my reaction too extreme, or have others shared similar lingering fears?
Without going into much detail or back story, this came up in conjunction with other personal problems we are going through. He went through a few periods of great despondence, and expressed a wish to die. At one point, he took steps to create a cache of pills.
I was very, very frightened and disturbed right from the first suggestion of this. As a health professional, I was always taught that any threat or hint of suicide should not be dismissed; it should be taken seriously. Then I saw it progress each time, until the pills came up, and I convinced him to give them to me.
Despite his assurances each time it happened that he would never do it; that he has always felt like this, and never has the intent to actually go through with it, I would still worry. To me, it was a bit traumatizing to see him so upset, and as a result I felt paranoid and fearful for a while. This upset him. He resented what he saw as now being on constant "suicide watch," and regretted letting me see that part of him. I stayed calm and supportive, and once the moment passed he understood my intentions were not controlling, and was glad of course that I cared enough to interfere.
The issue came up in our couple's therapy, and he again felt defensive, that too much focus was being placed on this. He recently posted this in the survivor's folder, and shared the responses with me, so I would get a better understanding:
"Does anyone else see a difference between being suicidal and having a death wish? We had a long discussion about my suicidal tendencys in my couples therapy today. Now I feel like I'm on suicide watch.
I've been suicidal on several occasions but was always able to find a reason not to do it. One or more persons/people who would be devistated if I were to kill myself.
What I've always had is a death wish. I'd rather be dead but I don't want to do it. No one seems to understand the difference."
This was my reply to him:
I'm sorry if I did not articulate this more directly, but I did understand what you said and described. I really do. I think maybe what you perceive is more the fact that I can't fully empathize, or sympathize, and that for someone who cares about you, or for any loved one for these men who echoed your sentiment I bet, this wish to die is a very upsetting and frightening thing, and we can't help but react with a natural fear and concern. I'd like for you to reply to that thread further and ask them how their spouses or girlfriends deal with this aspect of SA, if they've had it come up, and see if it's similar.
So to make a long story short, does anyone share this experience, and have had to deal with a suicidal spouse, or a spouse who says he wishes he would die, it would make it easier? How did you react? Was my reaction too extreme, or have others shared similar lingering fears?