thought i was over this

thought i was over this
S

sabata

i am new here..i thought i was done with all of this s-hit that happened so many years ago...as i read a lot of yours stories..i feel bad...that this had to affect ones life so bad..also i feel i shouldnt feel the way i do as my early sexulization wasnt as horrid as some here...maybe it was i know it screwed up my whole life...i have to do a lot of wierd things to keep going...when i look at all of the adults in the world..that i have to interract with..i tell myself that they all were childern at one time..just like me...yet for me it all seems like a dream my childhood...i tell myself that so i can get past all of the fears ect of getting along with them maybe less threatened....dont know...yet i feel i can cope better knowing everyone was a child once...such work constintaly keeping my thoughts in the right place...i have to tell myself i am ok...i am a good person...i did nothing wrong...everyone has private thoughts..good or bad..such a learning process....i have to keep a eye on my anger...why i think some ways to how others respond to me...they all are not out to get me..it is truley ok....maybe....i can dream things up in my mind so easily..what others are saying about me..then i blow it out of wack...then i get mad and screw it all up.....always on my gard for the other one...dont trust men or women..or adults..dont feel like a adult feel like a kid trapped in a adults body..hate my body....i have begun to accept the fact that i am not normal..i am different..and that is the way it is..i have learned how to surive in the adult world..yet all alone. relationships dont work for me.....the scaries thing is the fact that i lasted this long..and now older and being old by myself...no one to bhelp me if i needed it...if i get hurt where i cant take care of myself..or sick or whatever....oh well i have a lot to say will try and keep you all posted..this seems like a good place thanks..........steve
 
Steve,

Keep talking. It helps to get everything out in the open. I'm glad that you found us at Male Survivor!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
Steve , I do understand how you feel about trust issues , I was raped my another male soldger while I was in the US Army in 1977
This has had a profound effect on the way that I look at people . I still have a hard time dealing with people to this day . I have had trouble with marrages I am on my third marrage . amd I think that my wife has had to go through a lot of shit because of the way that I have become over the years . We all have to find our own ways to cpe with what happened to us . It is not an easy road . But some how we all manage to get by . But believe me we do understand how you feel and we are hear for each other
 
Steve,

I hope it will help you to know that ALL of the feelings you describe are felt by so many other guys. You are NOT alone or screwed up; you are reacting to one of the most terrible things that can be done to a child. Sure, it was a long time ago, but this one doesn't just go away - it lingers and can affect us in so many ways.

Yes, this is a good place, and you are a part of it! Please do keep talking. As Brian has said above, it helps to get things out in the open. As we do that we learn to understand our feelings better, and that lessens their power to hurt us.

Much love,
Larry
 
Steve,

you just posted all our lives, but guess what?
You are worth thinking that you are a good person.

It does not matter how much someone tells me I am good, I wont believe them. If a girl told me she fancied me rotten, I would just say, put your glasses on.

Why? Because I am the totally worthless piece of shit, and its not worth you ever getting to know what you are letting yourself in for.

I guess we all have to find that we are worthy,

ste
 
thanks all i am feeling more at home on this site every day...i tell myself each morning when i get up...i am a good person..i did nothing wrong..it is ok.....this does help me as i have to over come all of the bad thingsi was telling myself over the last 40 so years..i have to challange my bad thoughts and replace with postive ones..it is such work to be on guard with my thoughts all of the time steve
 
Welcome to here. I think it is something that hits people a lot, thinking they was over this, and something jumps up at them, in their life, how it is going, and realizing there is more work to be done. Enough of us, enough of our lives are given over to the abuse. When you decide it is time to take back your life, it is time, and I am glad you are here. I hope this site will continue to be a source of support and help to you.

Leosha
 
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