Thought about something today

[Sick Puppy]

Sometimes when I am just walking down the street and looking at the things around me it strikes me how odd it is that I (or anyone else) is alive, existing in this current moment fairly independently of any events that may have occured in the past or that are going to occur in the future. I guess it's just a sudden sense of the present time. I thought about how I existed to walk down that road and how I could walk down it just as well as anyone else, and that no one by looking at me would know I was any different than anyone else. I don't have a big sign on my chest that says "I was raped" although it sure feels like it sometimes!! I thought that although I am still very dominated by the memories of rape and abuse, I could perhaps someday succeed in making it so that it doesn't matter so much in the scheme of things. I don't think a person has to be a slave to their past. I also don't believe in judging people by their past actions. The present is what matters; it matters what we are all doing right now and that's what we should be judged by. Right now I am working on recovery and that's what matters.

I have had a rough time lately but it is moments like these that remind me why I'm doing it. Even today I can walk down that street while the air is nice and warm and I am looking at the grass on the street from when people mowed their lawns, and I'm thinking about how I need to mow the lawn. I'm not thinking about my abuse, just that I need to mow the lawn. My abuse isn't the sole defining factor of me. I have thoughts, feelings and personality independant of that-- it's just an unfortunate event in my past. I won't push it back and ignore it but I won't let it take up all of my time, either. I'll just keep trying to heal until it isn't so important anymore.

 

[Wuamei]

Right now I am working on recovery and that's what matters.

I have had a rough time lately but it is moments like these that remind me why I'm doing it.

My abuse isn't the sole defining factor of me. I have thoughts, feelings and personality independant of that-- it's just an unfortunate event in my past. I won't push it back and ignore it but I won't let it take up all of my time, either. I'll just keep trying to heal until it isn't so important anymore.

Josh by golly those are the words of a true survivor!

Everybody read those copy those put them on your mirror or monitor or something!

Thanks Josh!

It's good to hear those words from you!
OOOHHHWWWHHOOOOOOOOOYYYEEEHHHAAAHHH!
Victor

 

[Wuamei]

it is amazing that we're here at all, and that itself is worth the time to acknowledge.

jake

Jake you're so right. For me that really is the wonder of it all, that I'm even here today. Not aborted by my mother , not being prostituted on the streets of the city (as I know some of the men here were ), not homeless, not drunk stoned or dead in a gutter somewhere.

I'm here!

So are you Jake.

I'm glad.

Victor

 

[Lloydy]

SP
Your post reminds me of something I wrote about 5 years ago, not long after I started my 1 to 1 therapy.

At the time I wondered how other people could not possibly know that I was different from them. I suppose that at the time I was just beginning to realise that I wasn't a "dirty old perv'" who stood out in a crowd.

One of the things that fuelled my fantasies was a phrase that ran through my mind for much of the time. "I know things they don't know, I do things they don't do." I'd walk down a street and look at all the 'normal' people and imagine the horror and disgust they would feel if they really knew what I was like. Figures of authority and anyone who came across as pompous and self-righteous were my favourite targets. I would relish the thought of making them squirm with embarrasment if they knew everything about me.

The piece I wrote was about the labels I gave myself both before my disclosure and after. It's in the Survivors Stories forum.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=10;t=000039

Dave