This was the 'worst part of my abuse,'

This was the "Worst Part of my Abuse," That I was Alluding to in my Post on the main Forum.

It is Extremely difficult for me to talk about this stuff, I have only begun to share some of it with a Friend that I know went trough much of what I did, be it different times.

But still, I want ted to at least try to post something and then maybe fill it in with more detail.

First i want to say that I am glad that the is a Forum dedicated specifically to this subject! This subject even feels Taboo even here on MS. It is truly a tough subject to go into!

That being said, I don't want to push myself to go into too much detail right away, as I am not at all comfortable talking about this, compared to the rest of my history!

It first started with simple photographs. My 1st Perp, the Teacher, came into the bathroom - I was staying at his house - when I was getting out of the shower and "jokingly" snapped a photo of me naked, while laughing, getting me to laugh, as if it were just a quick joke and nothing more.
Later this happened more frequently, and with a video camera as well. I was 11 at the time and still didn't think that much of it at the time.
This progressed into me posing for him in my undies while he snapped away. he kept up his ruse of telling me how special i was and what a "special, beautiful boy" I was.
To be fully honest, the attention felt really good and if the trade off was something so minor, than so be it, or so I thought......
I had NO IDEA what was in store for me, in the very near future and how often it would take place and for how long!!!!!

I think i have said enough for now. There is a Ton more to say and explain, but I have to take this slow.




I am so sorry that you had to endure this heart goes out to you. The tremendous courage it took to share these difficult, painful experiences you endured is healing not only for you but for all of us here. It helped to remind me that I too need to talk about and name my abuse to help me dump the shame that I carry. I thank you again for being willing to share your story with such courage and frankness.

Hey Logan

I hear what you're saying about starting out slowly and then ratcheting up little by little until we were unable to get away. I had this same thing with my best friend when we were nine years old. We would go into his basement and drink his father's wine that he made and then get naked with each other. His sister took pictures of us and we really didn't mind. She developed her own pictures and sold them. It was sort of unsettling after we found out that we were in the boy magazines of the time. We were a little nervous that someone would recognize us in the magazines but that went on for about 5 years anyway.

So like you describe, it all started with that one picture in the shower and grew into something that just got out of hand for you. This is a good forum to be able to talk about something that seems taboo on the other forums. But take it slow, we're here for you :)

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
"he kept up his ruse of telling me how special i was and what a 'special, beautiful boy' I was. To be fully honest, the attention felt really good and if the trade off was something so minor, than so be it, or so I thought." You don't have to preface that statement with "to be fully honest," you had no culpability and certainly have nothing to confess here. Your teacher manipulated and abused you thus betraying his duty to the community as a teacher, the confidence of your parents, and above all your trust as a child. I am sorry these things happened to you Logan. I understand how it feels to think certain aspects of your abuse/recovery are "taboo" but know that you are not alone. Take things as slow as you want, heal at your own pace, and realize you have not taken a step back by dealing with this issue but rather a big step forward.


My story is different but like I have said a lot before, we have shared hurts. There was nothing nice about it from them. By then I was in their network and got put together with two other kids to perform while they took pictures. I still hate having my picture taken now. My T says I can reclaim my image but at the moment I don't know how. Another thing to work on and another thing to stomp out from the past. I know this much, I can do it somehow because I finally learned I was never, ever defined by them. My image isn't either. So I'll work on that too and with another thing, they loose and I win.


Dear good men,

Please always know my respect for your willingness to share your past. The rest of us are in turn recipients of realizing that we are not alone and the hope that one day we will be made whole. No one could ever give us anything more meaningful or significant. Although our past was horrific, we are fortunate, so fortunate, to be part of this group that offers genuine care and concern for each other.

You have shown a tremendous amount of courage in posting about this. I really agree with you about the taboo nature of trying to deal with it. There is such a stigma; it is incredibly shaming just talking about it. But, that is exactly what we have to do to heal. As the others have said, please take your time. Dealing with the pornography aspects of my abuse were also the worst things to deal with, and have had the most lingering effects in ways. So, go gentle and at your own pace.

I read your other post as well. Welcome back to MS. I wish you strength in your healing work ahead.
I have two new heroes on MS, Logan and lapchinj. The courage you both showed to share your stories, both on this thread and on another, was stunning. I was deeply, deeply moved by your stories and by the strength you show by dealing with the past ills which were inflicted upon you. I am humbled to be in your presence.
Hey Man

I have to call you Man because I don't think you're Nothing. Even though it seems that so many of us feel really shitty about ourselves nobody can be "nothing". But I hear what you're getting at. I appreciate the kind words but remember each one of us here has a story to tell and just being here takes a lot of courage.

Three years ago I would never have thought that I would have told any part of my story because it just showed what kind of shitty kid I was but it was with the help of everyone here plus the efforts of a couple of friends here that got me to this point. I still think that I was a shitty little kid and felt I should have never lived through my childhood but at least I can talk about some of the hurtful memories I have.

Thanks :)

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff, I don't think you were a shitty little kid at all. I think you were unbelievably brave, resilient and strong to have survived what others put you through. I admire you, both now, and when you were that abused kid.
N-Man. i thank you for your sentiments, however, please do not reefer to me as a hero. I never would have choose this for myself! Ever!

I really do appreciate what you mean, but to me the word "Hero" comes with more responsibility than i think I can handle right now.

Thank You for the sentiment just the same.

Thank you all for all of your kind and sympathetic replies.

Its incredibly tuff to write about this stuff because when I think about much of it, it is like I am reliving it.

I used a method that a friend suggested and that seems to be helping. He suggested that I write it out in a journal 1st and then post it.
Than seems to bee working really well because I don't have to be stuck inside my head, reliving it and then having the thoughts screw up my while day cause its hard to not obsess over them.

The fact that I'm sorta past everything else that has happened to me is truly amazing-I will never for get that it happened, but at least it does not have to haunt me anymore!!! I don't feel the intense fear and terror when triggered or reminded of something.
Does certain things anger me sometimes? sure. But, I don't have to be held prisoner/hostage to my own memories, at least all of the ones that I have processed.

The stuff that I am starting to take about on this forum, those memories are in the unprocessed, make my skin crawl, category.
Hopefully by talking about it/them, theses too will fade in intensity.

Hey Logan

You know that being here, not just this forum but MS in general, helps us all. We talk, sympathize and in the end we help each other.

That's a great idea to write your shit in a journal. First of all you're not stuck here on the forum trying to get your act together. If you get triggered or feel that you're just having a hard time then save your journal and go get some pizza. When you think that what you want to write is on target then post it.

Domino's delivers :grin:

Thanks for being here for me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope



just want to say that you impress the hell out of me and that I am also extremely proud of you!
Hey Obi

Thanks so much for the compliments but unfortunately I still feel that I was a shitty little kid. Especially now after all that has been coming out about me throughout my childhood. Even though the worst part of my life between the ages of 14-15 I had no control over, the rest of my life between 9-18 I never said no I stayed with the game, I was nothing but a prostitute. I'll even take that further in saying that at 18 I went into the USAF but I came back to the game when I was on leave. That continued when I came out of service at 21 till the age of 22 when I left home and the city for another county in NY where no one knew me and there was no more game.

All I can say is that my childhood was pornographic and my norm.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey Jeff.

Thanks for confirming the idea about journaling.

So I have begun to to this and I have gotten triggered and did exactly what you mentioned... I basically just stopped for a bit at have been taking frequent breaks.

Its going kinda slow, but at least I am getting it out and therefore out of my head, so I don't have to worry about it or keep thinking about it.
I know there is SO much but I am just trying to take it one step at a time.
Also, many of my memories don't make much sense because they are just fragments and therefore tough to write out in words.

My sleep has been terrible, lately and I think that is because of the nightmare/flashback type mem's they come to me. It seems like every week a new mem that I had no recollection of, re-emerges from my subcontious and they are pretty disturbing, but writing them out seems to be helping or at least it allow me not to dwell on them.

Please try Not to think of yourself as a "shitty kid." I know the recollections of the past still sting pretty bad, but try to remember the fact that you had very little if any control over your situation.

I know that I didn't have pretty much any control and by the time the pornography began, there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to escape it and stay alive.

Please be gentle on your yourself! You were just a kid!!!

Hey Logan

It might be going slow but it's going, that's the important part. Look, I never thought in a million years I would tell anyone what I did as a kid. It took me since 6/11 to be able to tell people what I did and how I suffer from that all. Even today when I was by my T I had a tough time telling him how I would have done anything that papasan told me. We even brought up the kids and bodybuilders and if I would have done that if he asked me to do it. At the time I didn't know he was behind that episode. I know that I would have gone there if he asked me because I thought that the tailor was getting me into modeling, after that I had no control what happened to me that year. I never told him about the movies, he had told me never to do anything without his permission. Even though I didn't know that he was the one who sold me to the movie people I was scared to tell him what was happening every tuesday for a year. I thought that I was being disrespectful not listening to him. I never said anything to him and he never said anything to me it was like it never existed. I know now that he knew about it all along, maybe he didn't really know to what extent I was being abused but he knew I went to the movies.

The year I spent in the movies between the ages of 14-15 was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was able to get my story out to fellow survivors here but of course I couldn't tell anyone in the normal world. That's what MS is here for. Little by little we can unload our pain and we will also understand where you're coming from.

I have a big problem with how I feel doing what I did to those kids but I really think that the people here understand that I was trapped under what I still think is a penalty of death. I saw hundreds of kids I guess 6-12 years old and I only saw them once. What happened to them? I go over and over in my mind that I killed at a minimum their soul. I had told Dr.G that I think I killed some of them and he disagreed with me. I told him that he was just being kind to me and he told me very strongly that I called him a lier and he was hurt. It's true that I don't know if I killed anyone or not but I still have to live with the worst feeling someone could have died because of me.

I know you're hurting very badly but you have to trust us, we understand what you went through and that it wasn't your fault. I'm still stuck on what I just said and it's probably true but I don't believe it. If I didn't actually kill the kid then I surely killed his soul and for all I know he is here on MS because of me. It's hard to accept but we have to try and work through this together. We're here for you and you for us. I must add that I don't know what I would do to myself if I found someone here on MS because of me

Love ya and be kind to yourself. Keep talking to us.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey Logan

How you doing? we haven't really heard from you since Last December

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey JW1230

How have you been doing here on MS. Maybe I haven't been around the boards enough to hear how you're doing. I hope all is going well, would love to hear how you're doing.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


my story started in 1965 same shit different time took me over 50 years to start to tell just a little of my hell hope ms helps me get over some of it.