This really hurts

[t.c.]

Why can't she see me, why can't she understand, I know she does on some level. But not in me. i wish I could tell her everything about me all the lies I have told to protect myself, all the lies I have told to protect HIM. I took me till my 20's to even tell my family just a tip of what happened. I know that a lot of waht I have to say is hard or even impossible to hear. But if she doesn't know what is in my head , then how is she supposed to know me .I feel as if a rift is opening up under me and I am lossing myself to the torment in my heart. HE did so many things to me and not all of them I remember. she says it is hard to talk to me because she is affraid it will trigger me , but the truth is I don't even know what triggers me .I can be walking down the street and see a child with its father and it triggers me or I can see a commercial on tv about a fabric softner bear and I start to cry. I hate HIM for what he did to me .I just wish I could stop hating myself as well. Deep down the child cries out in anger and fear at the thought of letting the secret out. How could I even think of telling . But I also know that without open, supportive communication I will never get to where I want to be ,whole, alive, healthy ,and loved. I know she can not be my therapist and that right now she can not be my lover . It is hard but I can accept that .I just wish she could be the friend I can talk to and open up to and not be afraid of telling. Maybe someday she can .Can any of you help with some advise. Thanks again for listening.

 

[Born to Resist]

t.c,

Your path of recovery shall be your own. Here is how my path went and is going. This past year I opened up and told my 3 good friends, parents, sister and brothernlaw about being abused by a male cousin and 2 female babysisters when I was 4 and 5 years old. It's been the hardest year of my life. I always thought that I would tell people whom I absoultely trusted without question. But my need for this type of trust was based on a 4 year old frozen need type of trust. In which case I would probably never tell anybody. I was so worried that I would lose these people when I told them. For some strange moment in logic my mind shifted. I felt as though I was willing to lose these people by telling them ... by letting them get a glimpse into my internal darkness. Its like if they weren't willing to be at my side then I shall go it without them. I also in the process had to let go of my frozen 4 year old need and prision of silence sentenced upon me by my abusers. The one important goal was to live a healthier life even if that meant doing what I thought I would never do ... tell people about my abuse.

I went into therapy. I practiced telling them in my mind and in journaling. I expected the unexpected which by the way caused me more unnecessary stress than anything. I told one friend because she would be the most understanding and helpful. I took her to the beach which felt safe and soothing for me. I asked that she just listen and let me say what I needed to say. I hardly looked her in the eye, but I did it. I told her the long version of what I had practiced. Later I asked for her feedback on how to tell other people. She gave me some insight to tell the shorter version and just let people ask questions and encourage them to ask questions. I found this to be very effective since everyone I told was in a state of shock and had their own set of questions. As I told each person and they demonstrated support I gained momentum to tell the next person. I could call them, go their house and tell how hard it was to tell the next person. I could have my sister and her husband their with me and support me with their presence as I told my parents ... the hardest people to tell. Surpriingly it all went rather well (not easy), my 3 freinds, parents, sister and brothernlaw are very supportive. It took a process of 6 months to tell these people mainly because I need time with the early people to process what it all meant. I've barley stated using this discussion board within the last two weeks ... on this point you have the jump on me.

I'm still very sensitive to how they provide support because the 4 year old with frozen needs fills my mind with unrealistic expectations ... but I remind myself what to expect realisticlly as an adult. I still have trouble depending upon all of them because I have learned to be emotionally independent and never rely on anyone so I don't get hurt. But I'm working on this. It may have been the case I might have lost a friend or family member in the process ... but the chance to live a healthier life was the goal.

Losing people still may happen ... but I still be on the path to a healthier place. One thing I do not have to worry about is telling them because that is now in the past. I don't spend hours/days obsessing about their reaction anymore. Worrying about things that weren't going to happen. That part is a huge relief!!

The toughest part for me was continuely convincing the abused 4 year old who constantly hijacks my entire mind that this will lead to a healthier life ... so let me do this for us.

I wish you a healthier life on your path to recovery ...