This isn't easy
I'm new here. I've just got some things on my mind that I just want to get out.
No child deserves that sort of treatment. So why is it that it happened to me? Why was I not left alone to have a normal childhood like other kids? Why was it that people who should have known better were able to use me? Why was it that nobody protected me? Did they not know what was going on?
Children are not supposed to know what I know. They are not meant to have the experiences that I had. My memories stretch right back, yet I cannot remember a time when I didn't know about sex. Children are meant to be oblivious to this information.
Now as an adult I just cannot make sense of any of it. No matter how hard I try to work it out, it seems as if everything is just a huge mess. I cannot begin to comprehend it.
Ive spent the last 20 years of my life trying to fool myself that nothing happened. I can't do that any longer. Now I just feel a mixture of sadness, confusion, emptiness and a helluva lot of ANGER!
My greatest wish in life is that these things didnt happen to me. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that now. It's happened so I should be able to get over it right? I can't get over it though- so now my wish is that I can forget all about it. Wipe all trace of it from my memory, pretend it never took place. That doesn't work though; the memories can only be suppresed for so long. They always come back when you least want them anyway. So if I cant pretend it didn't happen, can I fool myself into thinking it doesn't affect me? I've tried that- for years numbing my brain with drugs and alcohol. Although I felt terrible afterwards, it was worth it because it stopped the pain- even if it was temporarily.
I don't want to do that any more. If i self destruct it means they've beaten me doesn't it? I dont want to give them the satisfaction. I'm going to win this battle. I know i'm incredibly strong and should be able to fight this. I've made it this far when others haven't. I deserve better. After all I have a wife and we are starting our lives over in a new country. We will soon have children and my family will need me to be strong for them. I have to be tough. Sometimes though it seems so overwhelming. Yes Ive made it this far, but at a cost. I'm flawed, I'm not a normal person and I never was. But I cannot let people know that. If they see weakness in me, they'll take advantage of me again. So I have to go on as if everything is normal. I have to be tough.
But it is so damn hard to look someone in the eyes when youve been held down and had shit smeared in your face and mouth. Its difficult to think of yourself as someones equal when youve been forced to have sex with dogs. I must try and believe that although these things have happened to me, it was never my choice to be in these situations. The perpetrators who force me into these acts should take the blame for this. I was a boy. I could never defend myself. I was in so much shock I couldnt understand what was going on. Trying to lead a normal life when I have these flashbacks is hard. At times i feel i cannot function normally.
I just wish in additon to taking the blame for this they could take my shame from me as well.
I've been told and have read that these is no shame in being a victim of sexual abuse and torture. Believe me though, there is. I may have been sexualized from the age of four but I cannot accept that as an excuse for being sexually compliant with or forcing myself onto my schoolmates or adults. I've done things, on the times when I was in control that I feel so ashamed about. But then I was only a child. I didn't know what were the boundaries. I never learnt the correct behaviour.
It still makes me mad that the people who were meant to protect me never did. Couldn't they see the signs? If your 8 year old son tries to kill themself in front of you wouldn't something in your brain click? If that same childs grades fall, if the leave school at 13, if they hide in there room, if they steal, set fire to things, try to stab other family members wouldn't you think something was wrong???? What was I supposed to do to get attention and let them know I was suffering so badly?
There is no point to think this now but I always wonder if only I had someone to turn to. If I could have trusted an adult, any adult what would my life be like now? I am certain that if something was done back then I would be a happier, healthier, saner man today. Maybe I would be someone who could take control of their life- instead of someone who has trouble facing each new day. The trouble is I couldn't trust anyone then. Adults could be caring and friendly one minute, then they would turn on you and make you do things you didn't want to do. I was scared of everyone bigger that me because I had no idea of what there motives were, but was very aware of what they were capable of forcing me do. I was utterly alone and scared for so many years. Living your life ashamed of what you've done and not knowing where or how if there was even help out there was hell.
My one beacon and shining light has been my wife. She is fantastic. The most beautiful, gracious, open and caring woman in the world. She has given me so much support. Without her I shudder to think where I would be now.
She was the one person (until the therapist I started seeing recently) that I could confide in. It has taken me years though and she doesn't know the full story. I don't want to give her the details and I think she prefers being in the dark. At least knowing she has an understanding of what my childhood was like makes things so much easier for me though. I have a person who I don't to pretend to be someone I'm not with. (Up to a point anyway). She assures me she will stand by me always. That is a relief to me. It's still hard though, I always believe that she'll tire of me trying to deal with this. Give up on me and leave for another man who has his life sorted out. I think she desrves to be with someone who is better than me.
That is probably a reflection of how I see myself though. Someone who should have sorted this out years ago so therefore is a weak person who can't get his life together. Maybe over time, but hopefully very soon I will stop feeling like this. But I'm only starting to realize now that if so many of your childhood memories are so abhorrant and repulsive you can't sort it out all that easily.
This is an understatement.
I just want to sort it out. I want to get these thoughts out of my head. I just want to be normal like everyone else. I know I'll get there; I have to get there. But it needs to be soon. I can't take this much longer.
No child deserves that sort of treatment. So why is it that it happened to me? Why was I not left alone to have a normal childhood like other kids? Why was it that people who should have known better were able to use me? Why was it that nobody protected me? Did they not know what was going on?
Children are not supposed to know what I know. They are not meant to have the experiences that I had. My memories stretch right back, yet I cannot remember a time when I didn't know about sex. Children are meant to be oblivious to this information.
Now as an adult I just cannot make sense of any of it. No matter how hard I try to work it out, it seems as if everything is just a huge mess. I cannot begin to comprehend it.
Ive spent the last 20 years of my life trying to fool myself that nothing happened. I can't do that any longer. Now I just feel a mixture of sadness, confusion, emptiness and a helluva lot of ANGER!
My greatest wish in life is that these things didnt happen to me. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that now. It's happened so I should be able to get over it right? I can't get over it though- so now my wish is that I can forget all about it. Wipe all trace of it from my memory, pretend it never took place. That doesn't work though; the memories can only be suppresed for so long. They always come back when you least want them anyway. So if I cant pretend it didn't happen, can I fool myself into thinking it doesn't affect me? I've tried that- for years numbing my brain with drugs and alcohol. Although I felt terrible afterwards, it was worth it because it stopped the pain- even if it was temporarily.
I don't want to do that any more. If i self destruct it means they've beaten me doesn't it? I dont want to give them the satisfaction. I'm going to win this battle. I know i'm incredibly strong and should be able to fight this. I've made it this far when others haven't. I deserve better. After all I have a wife and we are starting our lives over in a new country. We will soon have children and my family will need me to be strong for them. I have to be tough. Sometimes though it seems so overwhelming. Yes Ive made it this far, but at a cost. I'm flawed, I'm not a normal person and I never was. But I cannot let people know that. If they see weakness in me, they'll take advantage of me again. So I have to go on as if everything is normal. I have to be tough.
But it is so damn hard to look someone in the eyes when youve been held down and had shit smeared in your face and mouth. Its difficult to think of yourself as someones equal when youve been forced to have sex with dogs. I must try and believe that although these things have happened to me, it was never my choice to be in these situations. The perpetrators who force me into these acts should take the blame for this. I was a boy. I could never defend myself. I was in so much shock I couldnt understand what was going on. Trying to lead a normal life when I have these flashbacks is hard. At times i feel i cannot function normally.
I just wish in additon to taking the blame for this they could take my shame from me as well.
I've been told and have read that these is no shame in being a victim of sexual abuse and torture. Believe me though, there is. I may have been sexualized from the age of four but I cannot accept that as an excuse for being sexually compliant with or forcing myself onto my schoolmates or adults. I've done things, on the times when I was in control that I feel so ashamed about. But then I was only a child. I didn't know what were the boundaries. I never learnt the correct behaviour.
It still makes me mad that the people who were meant to protect me never did. Couldn't they see the signs? If your 8 year old son tries to kill themself in front of you wouldn't something in your brain click? If that same childs grades fall, if the leave school at 13, if they hide in there room, if they steal, set fire to things, try to stab other family members wouldn't you think something was wrong???? What was I supposed to do to get attention and let them know I was suffering so badly?
There is no point to think this now but I always wonder if only I had someone to turn to. If I could have trusted an adult, any adult what would my life be like now? I am certain that if something was done back then I would be a happier, healthier, saner man today. Maybe I would be someone who could take control of their life- instead of someone who has trouble facing each new day. The trouble is I couldn't trust anyone then. Adults could be caring and friendly one minute, then they would turn on you and make you do things you didn't want to do. I was scared of everyone bigger that me because I had no idea of what there motives were, but was very aware of what they were capable of forcing me do. I was utterly alone and scared for so many years. Living your life ashamed of what you've done and not knowing where or how if there was even help out there was hell.
My one beacon and shining light has been my wife. She is fantastic. The most beautiful, gracious, open and caring woman in the world. She has given me so much support. Without her I shudder to think where I would be now.
She was the one person (until the therapist I started seeing recently) that I could confide in. It has taken me years though and she doesn't know the full story. I don't want to give her the details and I think she prefers being in the dark. At least knowing she has an understanding of what my childhood was like makes things so much easier for me though. I have a person who I don't to pretend to be someone I'm not with. (Up to a point anyway). She assures me she will stand by me always. That is a relief to me. It's still hard though, I always believe that she'll tire of me trying to deal with this. Give up on me and leave for another man who has his life sorted out. I think she desrves to be with someone who is better than me.
That is probably a reflection of how I see myself though. Someone who should have sorted this out years ago so therefore is a weak person who can't get his life together. Maybe over time, but hopefully very soon I will stop feeling like this. But I'm only starting to realize now that if so many of your childhood memories are so abhorrant and repulsive you can't sort it out all that easily.
This is an understatement.
I just want to sort it out. I want to get these thoughts out of my head. I just want to be normal like everyone else. I know I'll get there; I have to get there. But it needs to be soon. I can't take this much longer.
