This is very new to me...

[Logan]

A very good friend of mine on the main forum told me that what I had been trough was Rape and at the time I realized that he technically correct, I never, not until very recently felt that it was or thought that what had taken place even affected me that much----boy was I wrong, but I will get to that later.

The first this I want to bring up is why I didn't think that what Had happened was that big of a deal.

I should probably tell you guys what had happened: I was 7 maybe 7 and a half years old and I was already being molested by my Neighbor. He was 16 at the time, I think. I didn't even know that what he was doing was wrong at the time and I had no clue as to what sex was, I mean it never hurt of anything like that.
So anyway, His Mother once invited me inside and poured me a tall glass of milk and began asking me some basic questions, like how old i was, and did I play sports, and how I liked the neighborhood and if I liked school... things like that. She seems very nice but sometimes I had a little trouble understanding her and what she was saying. I think she was from Russia or maybe the Ukraine, but either way she had a very thick accent and it was difficult for me to understand her, but still she seemed very kind.

Then she said would i like to se the rest of the house? I felt privileged when she asked that, and she held out her hand for me. and so I took her hand and she began to show me her house and she would describe the different rooms and then we wen t upstair and she showed me Nick's room(the boy that was molesting me) and then we go to her room and she told me sit down on the bed and I don't remember what she said but it had to do with how nice the bed felt and don't I agree.
Then it began....

Triggers
She began to unbuckle my OshKosh Overalls, and as she did this, i began to re buckle them and she said in a cute voice what are you doing silly, its ok, let me do this and I let her.
She then told me to lift my arms up and point my fingers towards the celling, so I did. She then lifted my shirt off and now my jean pullover's were half off and so was mu shirt.
then she said take of you shoes and socks because I want to show you something. Now at this point I was feeling kinda weary that something was nt right, yet I still did what she ask me to do.
Then she took off her shirt, and all she had on underneath was a bra.
At this point I was feeling kinda weird: I was embarrassed, but at the same time I was curious. Then she asked me if wanted her to take her bra off and although I did I kinda shrugged as if to say i don't know--then she said with a deep voice you don't know? I got frightened and nodded my head very quickly "yes." "Ok, I will but first let's take of these dungarees" and then that happened and I began to feel nervous, but I was still curious......
I was sitting there in front of her in my underwear and ten she took off her bra. They seemed enormous to me and I had never even seen any part of a woman naked before, nor even in a picture and now it was about 2 feet away from them!!! she ask if I want ted to touch one and this time I remember speaking, I said No thank you.
"Ok." that was her only response.
Now stupid, nieve me that this was the big supprize and so I I began to get dressed and as soon as I grabbed my shirt she stopped me and said no, sweetie, not yet.
So she said we have to to one more thing and she told me to lie back, so I did, and then she pulled off my underwear so fast that I didn't have chance to stop her.

I was sitting there, trying so hard to cover myself up and it was futile and she was giggling and that made me feel so, so embarrassed--I felt like I just wanted to hide!!!
Then she took off her dress and was sitting there in these see through stocking type underwear and she said 'SEE!" this is what I wanted to show you" I immediately stopped fidgeting and just stared and then she began to get further undressed, until she was naked too!!!
I was frozen, but not with fear. it was wierd i can't really explain it, where was here penis?? I know, I am retarded, but that was the first thing that came to my mind... and if she didn't have one, how the hell did she pee?!?

Then she began to practice Oral sex on me--at This point I had no idea what was going on, but it didn't hurt and it actually feel kinda warm and good, and ten my penis started to get bigger and stiff too--I must have been 3 inches maxim but I did not know what an erection was, like I said before, I had no clue about sex, and I had no idea a little child could get one from stimulation----I mean they happened once in a while but I didn't pay any attention to it.

She continued to do this for a bit and it began to feel good, and then she suggest the strangest thing, to me!!!?! lets put my thing In the place where her thing was supposed to be....I promise too continue this--it is just that my Mom got home with her BF and I need some privacy-I'll be back in 45min to finish this

 

[Sterling]

yea, I don't know if this is wrong or right.
Only b/c I had to skim thru the details. It reminded me
of my shit aunt! eniway.
May you get to the Highest Hills with your self-care,
empathy!
I hope this isn't wrong to write.

take care,
J

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Logan,

I felt fear as I read through your post. It seems like abuse to me. A seven year old boy doesn't need the sexual needs of an adult woman imposed upon him nor does he need to be sexually educated against his will.

I was once told by a therapist when I was trying to sort out my own confusion that all it takes to be traumatized sexually in childhood is a sexualized social environment. Kids don't need it and it doesn't do them any good.

I hope you find a way to continue to heal.

Sincerely,

GAATT

 

[Logan]

I just realized That I never finished this.

Triggers:


So she continued to such on my penis for another 30-45 seconds and then she put me in between he legs and put my penis inside of her!
It felt warm and fleshy but I didn't know what to do so she gentally put her hand on my bottom and began to push me towards her to get me to thrust and he other hand on my belly to pus me out and this continued foe a little while.
I kept looking down, because...... this sounds so dumb now, but back then I was really was very scared, because i was so scared that my penis was going to disappear, or be somehow damaged or get cut off-you get the Idea.
She asked my why I kept stopping and pulling out and looking down and so I told her of my fear that I was scared that some thing bad was going to happen to me and my penis was going to disappear, to which she giggles and pulled me out and held my thing in her hand and said "see! it's still there, nothing to worry about." So, she put me back inside he and it continued for about another minutes and then I began to dod this on my own without the the aid of her and I began I to take deeper breathes and then all of a sudden I felt my entire body tremble and shake and I felt very tire and had to stop. Now I still did not know what had happened and i was way too young to ejaculate, but I have been told that a boy that is too young to ejaculate, can still have an orgasm.
As my memory of this event,the orgasm that I had compared to an adult version that i would have today, it seems to last longer, but I am unsure.
Afterwards she sold me to get dressed and she did the same and she asked me if I liked the surprised that she wanted to show me and I both nodded and said yes. But, I still felt very nervous about the whole thing and it seem some how, well not wrong, but not right either.
So the next time I went over to my neighbors house to hangout-get molest by her son, she opened the door and held a tall glass of milk in her hand and was trying to get me to go with her inside of her house. I was nervous and politely said to her "no, thankyou." she kept trying to get me to go until her son Nick asks me if I wanted to go and I shook my head "no." so he said to his mother "he doesn't wanna go with you." to which she angrily through the milk into the bushes and slammed the door shut.

Later, Nick ask me what has happen and I told him. I also told him about home my body shook and that felt good, so this proceeded to him and I reciprocating oral sex on one another. He never ejaculated in my mouth, and he was able to give me orgasms, but after ten seconds of having one for me, i would have to tell him to stop because it began to hurt the longer he continued, and I became very sore.

Ok, thats it

I just wanted to finish this, and If for some reason, I have already typed this out before hand, then please disregard this post.

Thank you,
Sincerely,
Logan

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Logan

You did not ask for or deserve the abuse which occurred at the hands of this "person." You were a small child put into an awful situation. It is important to remember that children cannot consent, they can only comply. You did not consent to what was done with you; you complied with a more powerful person's demands. There is a big difference. You are not at fault over this. She is.

Mike