this is tough, but it's tougher not to say anything
I hope I'm in the right place. Some bad stuff happened about 2 months ago and it's still with me, and so much happened that I'm not even sure where to start.
Two months ago I went with some buddies to an apartment to take mushrooms. One of the kids there got crazy for whatever reason and sexually assaulted me. I think it's important to say I wasn't raped. This kid tried to take off my pants and kept calling out that he wanted me. Eventually he stripped off his clothes and was running after me. My best friend tackled him, and I ran upstairs. I still feel somewhat like a coward because of that, but I also think it makes sense to get away from your attacker.
Anyway, I started freaking out upstairs so I left the apartment. As soon as I got outside my best friend came over the balcony - he'd stabbed himself. I held him and screamed for help - he died that night in the hospital.
I'm having some trouble now dealing with everything that happened. It's funny though - I can talk with people about the suicide (which is what my friends told me happened) and the drug use freely, but I'm not willing to talk about the thing that happened to me. Once I tried to open up to another kid who was there, and he told me "Well you weren't raped, so don't worry". Well that's not exactly what he said but I don't wanna be crude. So I haven't really talked to people here about it, and not many people know.
I have a lot of shame about what happened. Sometimes I think that I should just forget about it because after all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But it's hard. At night sometimes I get scared that the kid will somehow be outside my window and want to hurt me. I flashback to the day this all happened sometimes too. Sometimes I still blame myself for my best friend's death, because I figure that there was something about me that set off my attacker and this is what drove my friend crazy. Today's one of those days for all of these things.
Most of the time I want to get past this but it's hard. I know I shouldn't be feeling what I do because assault doesn't have anything to do with the victim, but still . . . And I hate the word victim, too. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by everything. And the wierd thing is that I know I'm going through a lot right now with grieving and everything, but I know that that will be OK and I can handle it with support. It's the other thing that I think I need a little help to handle.
I don't talk to the kid who attacked me and I don't want to. A few of my friends do and they said that they don't think it's gonna be long now until he hurts himself or takes his own life. When I heard that I said that was a shame but I was lying. I really don't want anything to do with this kid ever again and in some way I almost wish he would kill himself so I could know that he can't hurt me again. And I feel really awful for thinking that. I think that in time the fear will go away, and the guilt, and the shame maybee too. Things get wierd sometimes with my girlfriend in bed, but not too often. Like, sometimes I need some space. Anyway, it helps just to tell my story.
Two months ago I went with some buddies to an apartment to take mushrooms. One of the kids there got crazy for whatever reason and sexually assaulted me. I think it's important to say I wasn't raped. This kid tried to take off my pants and kept calling out that he wanted me. Eventually he stripped off his clothes and was running after me. My best friend tackled him, and I ran upstairs. I still feel somewhat like a coward because of that, but I also think it makes sense to get away from your attacker.
Anyway, I started freaking out upstairs so I left the apartment. As soon as I got outside my best friend came over the balcony - he'd stabbed himself. I held him and screamed for help - he died that night in the hospital.
I'm having some trouble now dealing with everything that happened. It's funny though - I can talk with people about the suicide (which is what my friends told me happened) and the drug use freely, but I'm not willing to talk about the thing that happened to me. Once I tried to open up to another kid who was there, and he told me "Well you weren't raped, so don't worry". Well that's not exactly what he said but I don't wanna be crude. So I haven't really talked to people here about it, and not many people know.
I have a lot of shame about what happened. Sometimes I think that I should just forget about it because after all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But it's hard. At night sometimes I get scared that the kid will somehow be outside my window and want to hurt me. I flashback to the day this all happened sometimes too. Sometimes I still blame myself for my best friend's death, because I figure that there was something about me that set off my attacker and this is what drove my friend crazy. Today's one of those days for all of these things.
Most of the time I want to get past this but it's hard. I know I shouldn't be feeling what I do because assault doesn't have anything to do with the victim, but still . . . And I hate the word victim, too. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by everything. And the wierd thing is that I know I'm going through a lot right now with grieving and everything, but I know that that will be OK and I can handle it with support. It's the other thing that I think I need a little help to handle.
I don't talk to the kid who attacked me and I don't want to. A few of my friends do and they said that they don't think it's gonna be long now until he hurts himself or takes his own life. When I heard that I said that was a shame but I was lying. I really don't want anything to do with this kid ever again and in some way I almost wish he would kill himself so I could know that he can't hurt me again. And I feel really awful for thinking that. I think that in time the fear will go away, and the guilt, and the shame maybee too. Things get wierd sometimes with my girlfriend in bed, but not too often. Like, sometimes I need some space. Anyway, it helps just to tell my story.