This Is My Life’s Story Part 6

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This Is My Life’s Story Part 6
This part is all about the bullying that happened to me and how the school administration chose to blame me for the problem instead of helping me and made me feel worthless and drove me to become suicidal. Triggers will be quite common in here. I will be sectioning off each of the main bullies and what they did exactly to mess my life up.

Ashley and Tara and the Five Little Words
As I’ve said before, there was this girl Ashley who kept saying five little words every time I tried to say something and other kids said the same thing to me, those five letter words really messed up my head and life and because she was the one to say those five little words the most and were the main reason my senior year was a literal living hell on earth that I thought dying was the only way I could ever escape from Ashley and hearing those awful dread words. What were those words? “Shut up! No one cares.” Even to this day I can’t handle hearing or seeing those words grouped together and I can her Ashley and other kids taunting me inside my head and I can still hear their voices telling me this. Four years of constantly hearing this made me leave high school with virtually no self esteem, confidence, or even self worth that I couldn’t even accept a complement without shooting it down and saying that I didn’t deserve it and that the person is wrong about me An employee at the group home was actually horrified that I couldn’t even handle being told that I was a good person without saying that I wasn’t and didn’t deserve to even have that said about me. Those five little words made me bottle up extremely negative and painful thoughts my senior year about the football star’s car accident and all the fundraising everyone else were doing to help him recover. I will get to that part of my story eventually. Because of those five little words I just stopped trying to make friends by the middle of junior year because I saw no point in it if that was all I was ever going to hear from everyone and I became so withdrawn that only a few words that there were days where I literally said nothing to anyone except a couple of teachers. They basically disabled me after a year or two. It’s insane how just a couple of words can really mess with a person’s mind and mental health and make them basically just give up on life in general. I eventually became withdrawn and just built a giant metaphorical brick wall surrounding me by the time I was a senior and only a select few kids were allowed to get to the side where I was. My senior year, there were only three classrooms where I act let all of the kids there inside my barrier and talk to me. They were the IEP room where I spent all my time not having a class and skipped Algebra II class, Spanish, and the Video Production class. My grades dropped rapidly by the second half of my junior year which is when the bullying kicked my depression into overdrive and made me suicidal and I was losing focus in quite a few classes because it was taking a lot of my own energy just to make it through the day without having an emotional outburst and meltdown. “Shut up! No one cares” is what I kept hearing every single time I tried to say something. No one ever listened to what I had to say even if it was important.

Now Ashley was the stereotypical mean girl and hypocrite who thinks she’s so much better than everyone else and that the world revolves around her. In my own personal opinion, I’ve always thought she looked like a giant slut with the way that she dressed like a total slut mostly because of her heavy eye makeup and ten layers of mascara. She had this mean girl side kick, Tara, who was my second main female bully and sister of Joey, the kid who was one of the boys that said I had stolen the Gameboy with no actual proof and never made to apologize to me. There were three other girls who were usually seen with them but they really weren’t like Ashley and Tara and were a whole lot nicer than the two mega bitches. Tara was just as stereotypical and arrogant as Ashley was thinking she was so much better than everyone else. A lot of kids actually disliked Ashley and would have loved to see what was coming to her because of her attitude. They most just ignored her and did not talk to her if it could be helped. Tara loved telling me those five little words just as much Ashley did.

“Shut up! No one cares” slow destroyed myself worth and self esteem and the feeling that people cared about me began to disappear and fade away rather quickly that to me, I actually began to believe it was true and that I was all alone in the world stuck with so many negative thoughts and emotions constantly eating away my mental health and I just felt like nothing but a burden and a giant waste of space and life in this world. Those words destroyed me completely that I was just an empty shell of my former self. I had become so depressed that I rarely smiled or showed any emotions other than rage on occasion. I was just mostly feeling numb and nothing else. I only wanted to be left alone and in the IEP classroom during my study halls and lunch period, I’d mostly distance myself from everyone else and just sit in the back all alone not really socializing. Those five little words were like knives that shredded apart a bit of my heart and soul every time someone said them. Some days I was just lethargic because I was using so much of my energy just to make it to the end of the day without doing something drastic because I was rapidly losing all control over my life and mental health. Very few things made me feel excited. Those five little words also impacted me applying to many colleges and universities. I only filled out four local college applications and honestly I didn’t even want to apply to any college. I only filled those out to meet the minimum number of college applications I needed to have completed in order to graduate. I saw no point in doing so because I didn’t think that I was even good enough for any school to want me to be one of their students and I figured why waste their time if I know that I’m just going to rejected anyway. I was just saving their time but not applying to them. Those five little words were the catalyst to why senior year was extremely painful for me.

Anyway Ashley and Tara had that fake passive aggressive kindness act where they act real nice and then made comments that made you not want to be around them and some of these were rude or inconsiderate of how others might feel about them and even hurtful at times. Maria and Annie, my stepsister, also had the same act out in public but then became mean behind closed doors. I originally thought Ashley looked like she could be a nice person and me being new again in public school and with a new start and perspective on talking to kids my age again that won’t end up aging religion thrown into it. So I tried being nice and starting conversations with Ashley and I was poli and always said hello to her but she wouldn’t even give me a chance to let her get to know me. Sometimes I let her start a conversation with me. So one day she starts a conversation with me and I told her my thoughts on the subject when she said, “Shut up! No one cares” which I thought was rude but I tried to ignore it and then she added “You’re so annoying.” From that point on, she say those five little words at some point in any conversation or if I tried to say something simple like saying hello and wanting to know how her day was and sometimes she’d say how I was “annoying“ and “talked to much” when she was the one who actually talked too much as she just had to have total control of any conversations and I saw her talk nonstop to her friends for ten minutes before. I never said anything back to her when she said those things about me. Eventually I got annoyed with her and I decided to show her how it felt if someone did that to her and I wanted to see if she would do the opposite as me if she was called the same things she had been calling me right to my face. So she starts to say hello to me when I interrupted her just like she did to me and I said “Shut up! No one cares. God you are soooo annoying! You always talk too much!” Well surprise surprise Ashley got offended imme and said to her friend ”Did you hear that?! How dare he be so rude to me!” I then said “Oh so it’s okay when you do it to other people but it’s not okay for them to do it to you? You’re nothing but a huge hypocrite.” Ashley didn’t like how I just called her out on her behavior and continued to complain about how I was so “rude.” The last thing I told her dur that encounter was “You’re just proving my point about you being a huge hypocrite by complaining still” and then ignored her for the rest of class. Then a few months later in study hall, Ashley suddenly decided that she wanted to have a conversation with me and I shot her down immediately by saying that I didn’t want to talk to her and to go away. She wouldn’t leave and I kept telling her to just go away and leave me alone because I really didn’t want to talk to her because I didn’t like how she treated me. Eventually I had to scream at her to go away and just leave me alone and she played the victim and this encounter was written about in an evaluation the psychologist that worked for the school district did on me to see if I qualified for IEP classes and said that I shouted at Ashley for no reason at all not knowing for months I had to put up with her being extremely mean to me whenever I did try to have a conversation with her and I didn’t want to talk to her because I could see right through her fake nice act. I knew that she was going to use wanting to talk to me as some sor5 of trap to have an opportunity to say those five little words to me again and then say mean things about me to my face. No one ever asked for my side of the story. I eventually got fed up with Ashley’s behavior towards me that I just began to ignore her completely and acted as if she never existed and always looked past her and away whenever she came near me. The thing is with me is if you don’t show me any respect and kindness then why should I show you some? I’m not going to be nice to you if you al mistreat me. Tara eventually got the same treatment as Ashley. They became the “ugliest“ girls I’ve ever met because of what they were on the inside and will always stay that way in my eyes and no amount of makeup, nice clothes, or cosmetic surgery will ever make me see them as not being ugly.

JT: The Biggest Bully Ever
JT had found new way to torment me starting in our sophomore year. He started to make fun of me in general and do things to me like taking things away from me and throwing them on the ground and then laughing at me about to eventually throwing things at me and mostly aiming at my head. I tried to ignore this and not lose my patience but JT just kept increasing the levels of his bully ways. By mid junior year I was starting to reach my limit and Dr R, the psychologist I was seeing at the time, mentioned to me to me how I could press harassment charges against JT and one other bully and that he could help me fill out the paperwork during that session. I told him that I had wanted to think about it before making a decision and we agreed to talk more about it during our next session. Well there was no next session as Maria add me stop seeing Dr R because she claimed that I wasn’t “being honest” with him. Dr R was the first person that I was actually slow opening up to and letting into the barrier I had built up around me since the sexual assaults had happened and Maria ruined what could have been me finally opening up completely with someone again and tell why I had changed so drastically within the past two years and had become so withdrawn socially and why I refused to let anyone talk to me and be my friend. I was actually telling him about some of my thoughts about suicide and how I felt unhappy and unsafe in school and making some progress healing from the trauma.

Anyway JT just kept being cruel to me that I tried avoiding him as much as I could which wasn’t too hard to do sophomore and junior years but senior year I had two classes with him and one was an entire school year class and the other was a half year class. The year long class was easier for me to avoid JT and his bullying as the classroom was set up with open tables and not front to back seating. The other class was and his assigned seat was in the back while mine was in the front row. So this made it extremely easy for him to keep throwing things at the back of my head such as balls of paper or literal trash. The teacher knew he was doing this to me but couldn’t really stop him even though she often stopped her lectures to tell him to behave or else she’d make sure he got detention. He would then stop for that class only and do it again the following day. Well one day he threw an unopened carton of iced tea at my head and the corner hit the back of my head hard and it really hurt and he laughed at that and I finally had enough of this behavior that I immediately grabbed the carton and all my stuff and use got up and walked out of the classroom mid sentence of the teacher who had her back turned at the time because she was showing us a Power Point presentation on the topic we were currently studying and she asked me what happened and where I was going. I didnt answer because I was so angry that I needed to save my energy for the principal which was where I was heading. I then stormed into the office demanding to see the principal immediately and as soon as he let me into his office, I presented him with the carton of iced tea JT threw at me and told him he had thrown it at the back of my head and it hit me and I couldn’t take it any more because I kept being hit with stuff thrown at me all the time. The principal listened but then told me that he wasn’t going to do anything about it because I was the problem which made me pretty upset. I had actual evidence that kids were throwing things at me and presented to a man who’s job was to make sure kids were safe and help them with their problems and here this man wasn’t doing his own job. This happened shortly before my aborted suicide attempt.

Chris the Condescending Bully
Chris, one of the church bullies, was always a horrible person and he was never once nice to me. If he wasn’t making fun of me or bullying then he talked down to me and treated me like I was beneath him. he continued the stupid bullying thing and actively encouraged other kids to do the same to me. I eventually got fed up with him and so I did to him what I had done to Ashley and Tara only this made things even worse. He had begun to smack me in the back of the head as I walked down the halls, shoved me do that I would trip and possibly hit another kid in front of me as I fell, grab my backpack and yank me backwards, and still told kids to go up to me and give them instructions on how to bully me for him. One day during my senior year, Two girls I didn’t even know decided to do this to me and do the spider taunting that Chris always did to me. I turned around and told them calmly but firmly that I was sick of that stupid taunt and had to put up with it for six years and told them to just stop because they were acting like idiots for trying to keep that taunting alive after so long. I only turned around for a second when one of them screamed “Tarantula!” which made me finally snapped. I then glared at them furiously and they stared at me in pure horror knowing they had made a huge and really stupid mistake and I screamed at them as I charged after them screaming at them that they were coming with me to the principal’s office immediately and that I would chase them and not go away until they did as I said. They tried running into their math class to hide and escaped but I still chased after them because I had meant what I said and I continued to scream at the in the doorway and blocking it so the door couldn’t close. The teacher was shocked to see me so angry and he tried to get me to leave so he could start his lesson but I refused to leave until those two girls came with me to the principal’s office. I did this for five minutes and eventually the teacher forced them to go with me where I then demanded to see the principal immediately and blocked the office door so the girls couldn’t try to escape me again. The principal and two assistant principal then saw us and asked me first what had happened and why I would cause such a disturbance like this that I disrupted an entire class full of students and refuse to leave when a teacher told me to. I told them everything and the girls stupidly tried to deny it and say that they didn’t do anything wrong and the one assistant principal saw through that lie and started to get angry with them and said that them freezing in fear after they made me snap was pretty suspicious and that there had to be a reason that I ran after them and chased them down. He then told me to exit the room and closed the door and wait outside. From behind the door I could hear the assistant principal and the female one starting to scream at them as they continued to deny what they did and the male assistant principal even yelled “Do you really think I’m that fucking stupid?! He just said he had told to stop and then heard one of you scream ‘Tarantula!’ as soon as he turned around and when he looked back you two were still there and staring at him looking guilty!” at them. The girls began to cry insisting that they did nothing wrong which I heard the female principal tell them to their face that was bullshit and that I wouldn’t just target them for no reason at all and start having a screaming fit where I yelled at a teacher and openly defy them and disturb an entire classroom full of students in a class that I wasn’t even in. I was known to have emotional outbursts but this was a totally new level of extreme rage that I had never shown before and I had previously chased down another kid who kept taunting me and wouldn’t stopped after I asked him nicely to stop that he had to assume the fetal position because I frightened him after how angry he made me and I kept kicking him screaming at him to shut up and to shut up whenever I told him to do so and continued to kick him so long that a teacher actually had to grab me and pull me away from the kid as I continued to scream at him a month before these girls made me explode. This is what I had meant when I said it took all my energy to get through just one day of school without having a meltdown and that I was always one incident away from it happening. I think the girls either got two weeks of in school suspension or detention.

So back to Chris. He died a few years ago and hearing the news actually made me feel happy and relieved as I dreaded the thought of running into him again and him bullying me all over again and I celebrated his death by buy a large cake and eating while laugh knowing I was finally free from that asshole. I don’t regret it and I still happily admit that I’m not sorry that he’s dead. I just hope his death was extremely slow and painful and forced him to think about all of the horrible things he did to me and how he was now dying as an awful human being that the world is far better off without him around.

Next part will be all about my senior year and the accident that ended up traumatizing me in silence for years.
 
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