This is just too weird

This is just too weird
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hi,

I know, I'm posting yet another new topic. I just seem to have verbal diarrhea at the moment. ;-)

This is too weird. I've been married for over a decade, many yrs ago my husband disclosed to me but we never revisited it, over 2 months ago he becomes extremely avoidant and won't touch me, etc., I brainstorm, I finally decide to look up child sexual abuse on the internet just in case it is something I need to know about, find this site, and *BAM* I LEARN tons of stuff that totally explains his disposition and personality and fear of intimacy that has been going on OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE.

Ever since I have learned what I have on this site, I now know how to deal with him, and I UNDERSTAND SO MUCH about him, for the FIRST TIME EVER. I am starting to feel like we almost wasted 14 yrs not really knowing one another. I wonder if he feels the same. Anyway, since learning all this stuff and understanding him close to perfectly, our times together are SO RELAXED and easy. No more of me trying to figure him out or getting frustrated with why we're not close, etc. or why he acts the way he does, or why he won't hold my hand or whatever. God, why couldn't I know all this from our wedding day? All the arguments we've had over the years, all because we were never really on the same page - how could we be? - and I'm sure he was frustrated too because maybe he just expected me to figure him out. Which is impossible to do without knowing about all the effects that csa has and why. Wow.

I have not told him about this site or confronted him about what all I've learned about him/csa.

Tonight we met for a quick dinner before he had to go back to work. Before he went back to work he gave me the first REAL hug he's given in a VERY LONG TIME. Like he is getting an idea that I understand him after all this time. I don't know, it's just weird.

But if he somehow knows internally that his csa is something he needs to deal with, then why hasn't he talked to anyone (like a T) about it during our whole marriage? Or maybe he is still unaware that it is the root of all his problems. Or maybe he needed someone who understands and will stand beside him and love him anyway before he could make that move. Or....I don't know.

So many questions still.

Told you I had verbal diarrhea.
 
Brokenhearted,

It's so nice that you are finding peace within yourself. This knowledge is a brutal one to have with so many ups and downs you almost have to hire someone to keep track. The ignorant bliss was easier in certain ways but knowing puts a face on that "something" you knew in your heart was wrong.

Keep accepting those hugs and return them with all the love you feel. It may just be that the safer and more secure he feels with you, the more willing he will be to look inside himself. That seems silly to say after 14 years, but then again, stranger things have happened.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Brokenhearted,

I'm really glad the things you are discovering are proving so helpful. That's really great news.

You ask a question that must be on the minds of many partners:

But if he somehow knows internally that his csa is something he needs to deal with, then why hasn't he talked to anyone (like a T) about it during our 14 yrs? Or maybe he is still unaware that it is the root of all his problems. Or maybe he needed someone who understands and will stand beside him and love him anyway before he could make that move.
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There are probably as many answers to that one as there are survivors! I can tell you that I faded into a kind of denial that lasted about 37 years. I didn't forget what happened; I broke it up into little pieces that were small enough to be harmless. I'm not sure yet, but I think what started to propel me out of denial (if that's what it was) was the need to help with a young relative in crisis over an incident of date rape.

There are a million things that can keep a survivor from disclosing to anyone for a long time. One of the biggest is shame and distrust of himself: he may think that the abuse was his fault, or that he liked it, or that he could have stopped it. He may fear the reaction of others; I know one of my great fears was wondering if anyone would believe that such a thing could happen. The survivor may also be emotionally paralysed: the feelings and emotions you get crashing around in your head are like a hurricane - it can feel like it will be impossible ever to deal with this. Or the survivor may be thinking that it was a long time ago and he needs to just get over it; or he may think it doesn't matter.

I could go on, but the central point in all this is that the survivor discloses when he can. Ten minutes ago, ten days ago, or ten years ago - it just was NOT possible. Certainly the survivor's partner should not think a lack of disclosure reflects on her. The real problem is that the survivor thinks the abuse reflects on HIM. He doesn't see that abuse can never be the child's fault, and once he discloses that's one of the first things he begins to discover.

Much love,
Larry
 
Roadrunner,

I am not upset that the disclosure did not come earlier - would have been nice for both of us - but I am upset more at myself for not getting educated on this issue when he did disclosed, which was *around* 6 yrs ago - but I was naive and didn't have a clue it could be a big deal or anything at all. When he told me we were just sitting on the couch watching tv. It was like, "You know, I kind of think that something happened to me when I was kid..." and then he told me the ugly details, who it was, what he did. I just said something like, "really? that's no good, huh." and we went on watching tv. Nothing else was ever said about it.

I wish I would have connected the dots as to maybe that incident is affecting him today, but I had no clue. I just thought it was something he shared, and then we dropped it and went on as before.

I wish I had looked it up back then.
 
Brokenhearted,

Please don't beat yourself up over this. There is still a lot of public awareness work to be done in this field, and it's still very common for people just NOT to realize how devastating sexual abuse is. I can easily see how the general public would think, for example, "It was a long time ago, what's the problem?"

The two most authoritative books on the subject were only written in 1990, and before that there was very little information available. Many schools, churches and youth groups and organizations are just now implementing awareness training and regulations to protect kids, and the resources for helping survivors are in many areas still very limited.

So my answer to you would be that you didn't realize how big a problem you were looking at, and perhaps your partner didn't see it either. But just bear in mind that this reflects a general situation in society and isn't something that you should blame yourself for. What's important is that now you know and you are doing something about it.

Much love,
Larry
 
the way i see it we as survivors dont have a clue how to deal with it ,so how could you just come up with answers out of the blue? abuse survivors i think are not like any other kind of people ,they cant be dealt with in terms of normal thinking ,because their ways of thinking and feeling are all things that were used against them .dont feel bad because you couldnt have all the answers 6 years ago feel good that your able to cope with what he told you well enough to try to help ,thats the big thing here ,most peoples normal reaction would be to say wow that sucks and let it go at that. i think he has one thing that so many of us need but dont have ,someone like you.that alone is a huge advantage for him .i m glad he has you i hope he is too,cause its a hard road to travel alone
 
Well, thanks, I knew you'd say the right thing - all of your posts are so helpful.

We watched tv last night and I tried to relax but got fidgety because I am so anxious to show him a post or two from here, just general ones describing the exact feelings he is going through, to let him know he is not alone, and then give him this link. I can't stand for him not to know that. But he does have a lot going on at work, so I know he's stressed, so I may wait another few days to approach him, gently, about this.

Then again maybe my heart will jump out of my chest if I don't talk w/ him about it soon. I don't want to overwhelm him, but want to comfort him; maybe just giving him one post to read, he could reflect on it for a while, when he's working out or driving or has some quiet time.
 
Brokenhearted,

Since you have been together for awhile you will know what I mean when I suggest that you wait for "the right opportunity". ;) Even more importantly, make sure he knows that you are just trying to support him, not to fix things. Recovery is something he has to pursue at his own pace, and he is the only one who can do the work.

If it's just a matter of introducing him to this site, you could leave the link on a piece of paper and let him know that's what it is. Then later you could ask, when "the right opportunity" arises, if he has checked it out. If he hasn't, you might say something encouraging or ask if he wants to talk about it, but always bear in mind that this is something he has to want to do and be willing to face.

Much love,
Larry
 
Brokenhearted, I am so happy you're here. When I married my wonderful wife, I had no idea that my life had been anything but normal. I thought that horrible life back there was how everybody lived. Unfortunately, I learned that my wife knew more about abuse than anyone should, so she understood more than I could possibly imagine. She saved my life. She gave me life.

Thank you for learning and taking steps to help your husband. My therapist told my wife to stop trying to be my therapist, because this is a heavy work that was beginning to weigh my poor wife down. But she never stopped supporting me and understanding. I always rush into things and regret them later, but I would definitely give your husband at least the link to this site. I was in therapy for about 12 years, but it was finding out I wasn't alone by talking here in front of other survivors that helped me more than anything else.

I wish you and your husband the very best. It's a terrible work, but it becomes bearable when you have someone who cares.
 
A question: If I give him this link tonight, and he minimizes the CSA he had and laughs like it's nothing to be concerned about, is there anything I can say back to that? Like how serious it really is? Or just let him have the last word?

The last time the CSA came up was in a general way because he was just beginnning his drastic avoidance of me over 2 months ago (on the night of Father's Day). I had said something about how depressed he seemed, something isn't right, etc., and HE proceeded to say, No, it's not depression, it's "not my child abuse deal," etc., "I just don't feel close to you, if you really knew me you would not love me," etc., etc., yada yada yada...

He totally minimized it at that time. If he has the same type of "argument" against it being anything significant tonight (or whenever) I give him this link, what do you survivors think I should say, if anything? I don't want him to minimize it and then that's the end of it!
 
Brokenhearted,

You can tell him that you see some things that look familiar to you, so you thought it was an area you could explore. Just ask him to think about the possibility.

If your husband shuts off and refuses to acknowlege that csa could be a problem, then insisting on it can only work out badly for you because he'll cut and run or get angry. You obviously don't want either.

if you really knew me you would not love me," etc., etc., yada yada yada...
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I've heard that one before and it used to get me upset enough to either cry or rage. Now I see it for what it is....the little guy inside my man wants so desperately for someone to tell him that it's not true. I hug him tight and do just that, even when he tries to sqirm away, because believe me, its not a real effort to get away. I don't fight to hold on, I just do and he folds into my arms.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
I was told, "It takes a well person to realize he's sick." All you can do is make the help available. It's up to him to grasp the rope. I've had friends that have thrown the rope back. But I've had a couple of others who were so thankful to finally find someone to talk to about all this.

By the way, I hear two things: "fathers day" might have been a trigger, and HE brought up the abuse.

I also know that believing I'm dirt lets me feel responsible for what was done to me. The other option is blaming the real villain. I don't know your husband's circumstances, but when the villain is someone who may have been important to us at one time, or even someone we continue to have to deal with, self-blame is easier. Abuse happened in families who kept secrets. Sometimes the secrets are so secret, we almost believe them ourselves.

Like Trish says, hug him anyway.
 
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