This is hard for me...
I've been keeping this a secret for the past 10 or so years. Bare with me as the memories are fuzzy because I've been trying to forget them for so long.
When I was around 8 years old my parents would go out often for long periods of time, so I had several male baby sitters. One of my baby sitters was a 15 year old who I will call Chris. He seemed to be just like any other. One night he brought his sister over and tried to convince us to take off our clothes. I refused, but she said she would take off her clothes if I would take off mine, they said it was no big deal. I remember that I would only take off my clothes behind a frosted shower door, after that the night remains fuzzy. Slowly, he pushed things further and further to the point that every time he was over we would both give each other oral and he would try to penetrate me, but couldn't because I was too small. I didn't know what sex was before he came into my life, and I didn't understand what I was doing, I just knew that some of it felt good. He told me it was a secret and not to tell my parents. I do remember one day he brought a disk of nude pictures that he wanted to show me. I put it in the computer and each picture was a gay hardcore scene. I remember asking him where the man and woman pictures were and he said that he must have gotten the wrong disk from his friend. I didn't really know what gay was, and it never crossed my 8 year old mind that he was a gay predator. These encounters went on for a long period of time that I can't define because I've completely suppressed that period. Eventually he left my life, I think because he graduated highschool, but I don't remember honestly. Around this same time period, my parent's got divorced, I was put into a new school, and my golden retriever I had had all my life died of cancer.
Later on in my life when I was maybe 10 or 11, I would visit a male cousins house, he would show me porn tapes and magazines. On two seperate occaisons we gave each other oral sex, but I don't remember whether it was coerced or not, again he was several years older than me maybe 15 or 16.
Then in middle school I had an encounter with another boy my same age where we both exchange oral favors. I don't believe this was a sexual encounter, I think it was more of a release thing. Afterwards I found out that he had been abused as a child like me.
Now, I'm 18 and this is ruining my life. I went all through highschool without any kind of contact with a member of the opposite sex. I graduated last month as co-valedictorian, however. I know that I'm not gay. I have absolutely no attraction to males. But this is eating me up inside, I can't talk to the opposite sex, I'm embarrassed about my body, and have come close to committing suicide a couple dozen times. It's not right for an elementary school student to hold a knife to his chest, wishing he had the strength to push it in. I know that without the first encounter none of the following events would have taken place. I'm confused, angry, and ashamed. If I ever saw that son of a bitch again I would kill him on site. I don't know what I expect to gain from this post, but I need to tell someone.
When I was around 8 years old my parents would go out often for long periods of time, so I had several male baby sitters. One of my baby sitters was a 15 year old who I will call Chris. He seemed to be just like any other. One night he brought his sister over and tried to convince us to take off our clothes. I refused, but she said she would take off her clothes if I would take off mine, they said it was no big deal. I remember that I would only take off my clothes behind a frosted shower door, after that the night remains fuzzy. Slowly, he pushed things further and further to the point that every time he was over we would both give each other oral and he would try to penetrate me, but couldn't because I was too small. I didn't know what sex was before he came into my life, and I didn't understand what I was doing, I just knew that some of it felt good. He told me it was a secret and not to tell my parents. I do remember one day he brought a disk of nude pictures that he wanted to show me. I put it in the computer and each picture was a gay hardcore scene. I remember asking him where the man and woman pictures were and he said that he must have gotten the wrong disk from his friend. I didn't really know what gay was, and it never crossed my 8 year old mind that he was a gay predator. These encounters went on for a long period of time that I can't define because I've completely suppressed that period. Eventually he left my life, I think because he graduated highschool, but I don't remember honestly. Around this same time period, my parent's got divorced, I was put into a new school, and my golden retriever I had had all my life died of cancer.
Later on in my life when I was maybe 10 or 11, I would visit a male cousins house, he would show me porn tapes and magazines. On two seperate occaisons we gave each other oral sex, but I don't remember whether it was coerced or not, again he was several years older than me maybe 15 or 16.
Then in middle school I had an encounter with another boy my same age where we both exchange oral favors. I don't believe this was a sexual encounter, I think it was more of a release thing. Afterwards I found out that he had been abused as a child like me.
Now, I'm 18 and this is ruining my life. I went all through highschool without any kind of contact with a member of the opposite sex. I graduated last month as co-valedictorian, however. I know that I'm not gay. I have absolutely no attraction to males. But this is eating me up inside, I can't talk to the opposite sex, I'm embarrassed about my body, and have come close to committing suicide a couple dozen times. It's not right for an elementary school student to hold a knife to his chest, wishing he had the strength to push it in. I know that without the first encounter none of the following events would have taken place. I'm confused, angry, and ashamed. If I ever saw that son of a bitch again I would kill him on site. I don't know what I expect to gain from this post, but I need to tell someone.
If you doubt or question what you're feeling, thinking, whatever, I encourage you to do just what you've done here - check it out on this site! I'm new here too but can really let you know - these guys are sincere and genuine. They are here to support and help...I know because I've received some of it! I'll just share somethings you maybe can use.