This is difficult
I'm dealing with the rape and it's messing a lot with my head. ( See My Story ) and could use some support and feedback.
My lovely wife knows the basics of both incidents and is very supportive. But I get triggered over little stuff and have to leave work for a few hours to decompress. Suicidal ideation has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. Currently on meds and that has helped, but there are days it looks more inviting than not. My wife and kids would be devastated so I’m leaning on that to get through.
My youngest (10) told me the other night that I’m never around even when I’m at home. He wants to spend time with me but my head is spinning at the slightest trigger and I just want to be alone during those times. The VA claim my T wanted me to file gets me depressed every time I get an email or letter from them. That’s a lot these last couple of weeks.
I’ve worn a mask of sorts for decades and I was so good at faking being a normal person, but it’s getting harder. The shame and guilt I have for both incidents is still overwhelmingly strong. Logically I know it wasn’t my fault, but I don’t feel it. Then again I don’t feel much else besides anger.
My lovely wife knows the basics of both incidents and is very supportive. But I get triggered over little stuff and have to leave work for a few hours to decompress. Suicidal ideation has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. Currently on meds and that has helped, but there are days it looks more inviting than not. My wife and kids would be devastated so I’m leaning on that to get through.
My youngest (10) told me the other night that I’m never around even when I’m at home. He wants to spend time with me but my head is spinning at the slightest trigger and I just want to be alone during those times. The VA claim my T wanted me to file gets me depressed every time I get an email or letter from them. That’s a lot these last couple of weeks.
I’ve worn a mask of sorts for decades and I was so good at faking being a normal person, but it’s getting harder. The shame and guilt I have for both incidents is still overwhelmingly strong. Logically I know it wasn’t my fault, but I don’t feel it. Then again I don’t feel much else besides anger.