This is difficult

I'm dealing with the rape and it's messing a lot with my head. ( See My Story ) and could use some support and feedback.

My lovely wife knows the basics of both incidents and is very supportive. But I get triggered over little stuff and have to leave work for a few hours to decompress. Suicidal ideation has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. Currently on meds and that has helped, but there are days it looks more inviting than not. My wife and kids would be devastated so I’m leaning on that to get through.

My youngest (10) told me the other night that I’m never around even when I’m at home. He wants to spend time with me but my head is spinning at the slightest trigger and I just want to be alone during those times. The VA claim my T wanted me to file gets me depressed every time I get an email or letter from them. That’s a lot these last couple of weeks.

I’ve worn a mask of sorts for decades and I was so good at faking being a normal person, but it’s getting harder. The shame and guilt I have for both incidents is still overwhelmingly strong. Logically I know it wasn’t my fault, but I don’t feel it. Then again I don’t feel much else besides anger.
 
Figure out how to spend real time with your son. If you can't just let him know your having some problems and it's not his fault. Do more than just tell him you love him. My parents loved me, I have never doubted that, and aside from often just forgetting me, they never neglected me or abused me, but they weren't there for me emotionally, especially my dad. I thought i had done something wrong, or that this was just the time for me to grow up and handle all my problems myself. Please take care of yourself, but also tajke care of your son. You can do this.
 
@Toad the crisis centers here don't seem to want to cater to men. I'm 7 months in at VA, it's getting harder as we delve more into it. I hate the way it makes me feel.

@Morgan McCall I understand what you're saying, I was able to connect with my older boy before he went into the military. But he left right a few months after my last big trigger; I started counseling the week he went to boot camp. My wife is responsible that our kids, for the most part, are well adjusted. It broke my heart to hear my little guy, who is wise beyond his years as the youngest, say that.

I don't know how to fix these types of problems and that is one of the most frustrating things for me.
 
I know your doing the best you can. I’m sorry if I came off a bit preachy, that just really touched a nerve for me. It sounds like you’re saying your wife is doing a great job caring for your son. Neither parent in my house was there for me. Hang in there.
 
@Morgan McCall your words were fine, I didn’t mean to sound defensive. I’m sorry your parents weren’t there for you, much like mine. I try with my kids, some days are better than others. Last couple of months have been especially tough and my little guy was smart enough to say something.

Today my boss told me people at work at noticing something is wrong with me. He didn’t push and I don’t want to tell anyone at work. But I need to get back to an even keel.
 
@MassGuy I was just browsing through the forums and thought about you for some reason. I hope you’re doing okay.
Thank you, had a virtual appointment with my psychiatrist this past Thursday, she is upping the meds, I’ll see if that helps. My T has been on vacation for two weeks. I got another VA letter yesterday, which didn’t send me in a spiral. So I’m doing okay, not great, but okay. Thanks again.
 
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