This is all so confusing

[Bobby]

I'm going down. You know how you can tell that you're hanging on, but the foundation under you is crumblinb? I hate being so damn fragile. I have no feeling of self worth...never have had. All of my self respect comes from what I do, not what I am, so when what I do doesn't work, there is nothing left. I know I should be strong. I know I'm being a wimp. I can tell myself all the things you're supposed to say, but it doesn't work. No matter what I say or what I think or how hard I try, I will start the slide and end up at the bottom of the pit in depression.
No one can talk me out of it. It will just happen. And then, eventually, I will climb back out of the pit, pick myself up and go on.
But the pit hurts. I sit there. I really don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself. It goes beyond that. Everything is gone when I am there. I have nothing left. There is nothing to me. The pain is physical. It hurts all over. I don't cry. I'm beyond crying. And I do the things I have to do to function in my life, but I truly hate it. And I can't stop it. And it's lonely, because I feel so stupid about it and so self-indulgent and so self-centered,but there I am.
I'm just moaning, and I apologize. I don't think this place is for moaning, but I know it's going to happen. I wish I could just feel all right in myself...know I had worth as a person from the inside out, but I just can't.
I'm going to post this. If I deserve to be yelled at for being a self-centered wimp, please yell at me. If this goes along with the territory, tell me that too. I don't know if this is just my own personal trait, or another wonderful gift of SA.
Let me know what you think. Bobby

 

[Rustam]

You certainly dont deserve to be yelled at. Its a terrible place to be and one I visited too often. Usually when I was there I was giving myself a harder time than anyone else would. It sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time too.

For me accepting that that was my reality, trying to be gentle with myself and giving myself credit for whatever I managed to do when I was really depressed helped me. It can be a very vicious circle, feeling bad then adding harsh self-criticism and then feeling worse.

For me depression was the biggest affect of the abuse and I understand that it is a common one, so I would say that it definitely goes with the territory. I used anti-depressants when it was really bad and they taught me that it was not a character trait. The way out for me was learning to deal with my anger. My depression is certainly about anger directed towards myself.

Take care,

Rustam.