thinking others are mad

[DJsport]

I had a revelation tonight about why I think others are mad at me when It does not matter.

I started having flashbacks with this - this evening.

This is sick to realize. My mom was jealous of my dads attention of me to the point of anger and manipulation. Ever since, I can remember.

This is tough to write.

When my dad went overseas when I was 8 til 10 she dated other men. OMG - my mom was sleeping around on my dad. If I told others would get mad at me.

When they finally separated and then divorced my mom became wild. I got the attention of a few of her BF's. She exploded.

I feel like I am watching a movie but, I know this happened to me.

Thanks to a special man here for helping realize I dont have to live with others being upset with me. If I chose to love someone it is my choice.

This also explains why I have a tendency to "hook" with unavailable men.

I need to stop for now.

Donnie.

 

[DJsport]

This is really upsetting me. I am trying to calm down.

What in the hell was my mom thinking? I get I am not calming down because I am stuck with what to do with the feelings or how to deal with them.

Help! What to do. I feel so small with this.

Donnie

 

[Freedom49]

Donnie, Bless you, just feel the feelings, journal them, process them in your heart of hearts. Allow youself to be angry at who you should be angry at.

That was then, That was her. You will survive this too. Hang in there. Perhaps write her a letter. No need to mail it but it could help with the processing and moving on.

Just a thought.

 

[DJsport]

I want out of the my own skin.

I thought I was over this.

S^&%$. I can get comfortable in my own skin.

Roger. Thanks for the reminder to write. I am trying to do that here. I know I need to write her a letter.

This was happening a year ago and I thought I had this beat.

I could talk to her all day. It is Christmas.

This hurts. I know she is in pain. She has left me 3 VM's and sent 4 emails.

My ear is bleeding I have picked at it.

Donnie