Thinking of What if?

Thinking of What if?

Brian76

Registrant
I find myself thinking of what might have been had I not been assaulted at 13. Where would my life be at this point now being 45 and a survivor? In an alternate reality where a stranger didn't take away that outgoing boy's innocence so many years ago. Would I be a successful man as opposed to the damaged, unmotivated being I have become? Would I have had children of my own? I know it is not healthy to hold regrets but I find it nearly impossible to think otherwise. The people I have hurt. The opportunities squandered. The anger and shame that festered for years freezing me with depression and anxiety that hindered my talents and ability to grow a fulfilling career. Am I alone with these regrets? Is there hope for us? Thanks for listening.
 
This is the sort of meditation most of us have had at some point along the way. I surely have. In fact, at many times during my life... without any memory of what had happened to me as a boy, I'd ponder what if... what if I'd not dropped out of college and had spent four years touring internationally with a college choir... what if I'd actually gone to law school... or gone to graduate school... Four marriages, no children, a modicum of success, but a lifetime of shame-filled acting out that made intimacy impossible... hence four divorces.

I've been comforted by the lines in the AA Promises that say "We'll not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and will know peace." We don't get a do over, but we do get THIS moment. What we do with it is completely up to us. We're doing important work here as we unpack the residue of trauma and find healthier ways of caring for ourselves. Regrets about that past really don't give us guidance for what we want in the future, unless, of course, we pick up old passions and renew them with fresh enthusiasm. You're a young man, so don't be too quick to write off your life. You've found MS and you're engaging with men here. This is all part of the healing journey each of us is pursuing. Stay with it my friend.
 
This is the sort of meditation most of us have had at some point along the way. I surely have. In fact, at many times during my life... without any memory of what had happened to me as a boy, I'd ponder what if... what if I'd not dropped out of college and had spent four years touring internationally with a college choir... what if I'd actually gone to law school... or gone to graduate school... Four marriages, no children, a modicum of success, but a lifetime of shame-filled acting out that made intimacy impossible... hence four divorces.

I've been comforted by the lines in the AA Promises that say "We'll not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and will know peace." We don't get a do over, but we do get THIS moment. What we do with it is completely up to us. We're doing important work here as we unpack the residue of trauma and find healthier ways of caring for ourselves. Regrets about that past really don't give us guidance for what we want in the future, unless, of course, we pick up old passions and renew them with fresh enthusiasm. You're a young man, so don't be too quick to write off your life. You've found MS and you're engaging with men here. This is all part of the healing journey each of us is pursuing. Stay with it my friend.
Thank you! You don't know how much your words mean and encourage me. I dont have many- if any- true friends anymore so ot os wonderful to hear positive encouragement. I hope you are well today!
 
@Visitor, what you wrote is wonderful.

"What Ifs" are natural, common and toxic. What I find productive about "Would have beens" is their potential for guidance. If you find yourself wishing you would have, maybe it's an indicator of where your interest and ambitions lay? Maybe it's a light for you to follow? How cool is that to be handed a torch and a direction?

I am not saying the challenges thrown at you weren't unfair or cruel. No one should have to deal with the horrible repercussions of abuse. And yes, my life WOULD have been far different than the scrappy existence I endured for so long. I KNOW I am intelligent enough to have earned a couple of PHDs, but I dropped out of High School, failed art school and fought like a dog to heal myself. I will take this Brian anyday. Maybe that's easy for me to say. I pass junkies everyday and truly know the allure of oblivion. I am lucky of all the stupid doors I walked through, I missed the combination that led to a needle.
 
@Visitor, what you wrote is wonderful.

"What Ifs" are natural, common and toxic. What I find productive about "Would have beens" is their potential for guidance. If you find yourself wishing you would have, maybe it's an indicator of where your interest and ambitions lay? Maybe it's a light for you to follow? How cool is that to be handed a torch and a direction?

I am not saying the challenges thrown at you weren't unfair or cruel. No one should have to deal with the horrible repercussions of abuse. And yes, my life WOULD have been far different than the scrappy existence I endured for so long. I KNOW I am intelligent enough to have earned a couple of PHDs, but I dropped out of High School, failed art school and fought like a dog to heal myself. I will take this Brian anyday. Maybe that's easy for me to say. I pass junkies everyday and truly know the allure of oblivion. I am lucky of all the stupid doors I walked through, I missed the combination that led to a needle.
Wise words my friend. Thank you.
 
I went through a really intense period of that as well during my years with the trauma therapist. It was a whole lot of anger about all of the things that I felt cheated out of in life. I guess it’s kind of like the various stages of grief playing out. The anger stage was the most intense for me, because I am not an openly angry person, it wasn’t safe in the home environment, so I’m just very passive-aggressive and brooding about things that upset me.

TRIGGER WARNING

The day I remember most vividly was walking out of the gym with a guy who took the same early morning fitness class, and I’s gotten to know well enough to confide in about some of my history. I was really upset and angry about all of the memories of the times I was physically abused, and I bubbled over in a way I never do, cursed and shouted and threw my almost-brand-new iPhone about 50 feet across the parking lot. It’s funny to me now
- and all I can say is “thank god for military-grade cases” - phone was ok.
 
You are not alone with regrets. Mine haunt me constantly. Lost opportunity for love, no children, no dating, where would I be today if I had not been abused? It can really trigger overwhelming depression.
 
I want to crawl under a rock when I think back at everything the CSA did to me in the long run, the challenges I overcame, the challenges I didn't.

"Quotes for Men" on FB had a great post recently, very appropriate, I think.

"The longer you live in the past, the less future you have to enjoy."

This doesn't preclude recognizing our pasts, or examining them. But I found no fruit to harvest for my soul by asking the "What if?" question for months, just pain. I've beaten myself up inside for hiding my CSA from myself for 40+ years.

I don't think it is healthy to do, for any of us.

Instead of "what if?", give yourself self-compassion, acknowledge that it wasn't your fault, especially in choices made before we were mature enough to understand the long term consequences. Often, poor choices later in life are rooted in our childhood traumas, and are not the result of who we are as a person, @Brian76.
 
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I definitely understand the regrets monster. At times 12-step recovery has been very helpful. And dealing with regret is one of those areas where it has. Because there is nothing organic about regrets. Once I understand them enough to avoid repeating mistakes, if I give up regrets completely I will not suffer in the least. Nor is there any reason I need to experience them. After all, I'm infinitely familiar with them.

A 12-step buddy of mine gave me his five minute rule. He had to drive through his former hometown about once a week. He used to have a nice home and a wife there. He flushed it all away with drugs. He got so he dreaded passing through because his mind filled with regret. He created the five minute rule. He would walk that regret right through the stages of grief. Recognize it, get angry, grieve it and accept it and move on. That was his way of honoring his own life's journey but not letting the regret loop start running in his head. At times it works for me.

I'm also quite capable of letting regret take up residence in my head for days at a time. My buddy had a name for that too: The Pity Party. He always said there is nothing wrong with a pity party as long as you know what it is and that you're in control of it. You're not powerless to end it. When I think of it that way, I tend to ask myself why I'm not ending it and that kicks me back to a more positive frame of mind.

Anyway, hope you're feeling better and thanks for posting the topic. It got me thinking about my old 12-step buddy Alex. He's been gone about five years now but he'd be glad to know he's still helping me and hopefully his wisdom may inspire others.
 
I want to crawl under a rock when I think back at everything the CSA did to me in the long run, the challenges I overcame, the challenges I didn't.

"Quotes for Men" on FB had a great post recently, very appropriate, I think.

"The longer you live in the past, the less future you have to enjoy."

This doesn't preclude recognizing our pasts, or examining them. But I found no fruit to harvest for my soul by asking the "What if?" question for months, just pain. I've beaten myself up inside for hiding my CSA from myself for 40+ years.

I don't think it is healthy to do, for any of us.

Instead of "what if?", give yourself self-compassion, acknowledge that it wasn't your fault, especially in choices made before we were mature enough to understand the long term consequences. Often, poor choices later in life are rooted in our childhood traumas, and are not the result of who we are as a person, @Brian76.
Thank you. Sound advice my friend
 
I feel the same most days my friend. I have accomplished nothing at my age. I feel I will be eternally 13yrs old....

Yup, same here, I always say “when I finally grow up.” Now I’m old enough to qualify for a senior citizens’ discount at some places. So if it hasn’t happened by now …
 
There's a corollary to this conversation. I'm someone who's been running at full speed his whole life and driving himself to work twice as hard only to feel half as good as "normal" guys. Fueled by perfectionism, I obtained multiple degrees, had a business, later climbed the corporate ladder, checked all the boxes, measurable material success, etc. etc.

Intellectually, I know I've made it, and from the outside, it certainly appears that way. Inside, though, I don't feel it.

I still don't feel safe.
 
There's a corollary to this conversation. I'm someone who's been running at full speed his whole life and driving himself to work twice as hard only to feel half as good as "normal" guys. Fueled by perfectionism, I obtained multiple degrees, had a business, later climbed the corporate ladder, checked all the boxes, measurable material success, etc. etc.

Intellectually, I know I've made it, and from the outside, it certainly appears that way. Inside, though, I don't feel it.

I still don't feel safe.
Yes, I did this intellectual success too, but after a whole life of career success my emotional and social life is in complete shambles. The intellectual success alone seems like shit, as in worthless. All the really meaningful parts of life, our connections to others, turned to shit for me, all because of my forgotten CSA struggling to get out. Yes, I still don't feel safe either.

I watch many of friends and classmates go on to career success, marriage success, parenting success, and they seem happy and content.

I don't think I'll ever know contentment in life. Most days my natural state is still in flight or fight, and trying to run away from those that harmed me in the woods all those times when I was young. People still try to harm me, but now it's financial harm not bodily harm.
 
There's a corollary to this conversation. I'm someone who's been running at full...
I too fit in this category work wise. I didn't want to distract from Brian's issues by bringing up the other side of the coin. I have advanced degrees in physics and engineering. Very successful career. No matter how successful I am always feeling inferior to my coworkers even though I'm the expert. However I'm still jealous of the unemployed guy who has a partner. I'm jealous of the guy who just has his GED and a loving partner. Hell I'm jealous of the guy who is able to have random hookups and risky hookups. My career success helps hide my loneliness and depression but that only goes so far. Its depressing being able to be successful in my professional life but a complete and total failure in my personal life. I'm 55 and never dated. Excluding my mother no one has ever said they love me. I have no idea what love feels like. I've had some one night stands but that is far as I got (with the help of alcohol). If given the choice between having a successful career vs. having a loving partner I would take the partner. So basically it doesn't matter what side of the fence you are on, the grass is dead.
 
Remarkable how varied have been our experiences of trauma and how varied the impact of that trauma on how our lives unfolded. So many men here have had difficulty finding a relationship while I've found four women who wanted to marry me and build a life together. But four? That says something, though none of the women who said yes seemed to understand they were walking into quicksand. But I looked good, as a number of men here are saying... good looking physically, talented, smart, reasonably successful, charming... and overwhelmed by shame and confusing sexuality that was entirely hidden from view... all brought to me by multiple traumas the first eight years of my life. Being handsome, being smart, being charming are not get out of jail free passes. When we're fucked, we're fucked... and trauma does that to boys.

At the end it doesn't matter what happened, or where we ended up with it all... we still need to do the work of healing or we will be eternally lost in shame, terror, rage and grief... what I call the residue of trauma. But we're here and we seek relief. Self-compassion is the antidote to shame and self-care a confirmation that we are worthy, lovable cherished. This is our work. I'm honored to do it with all of you, regardless of how you got here or what life feels like at the moment.
 
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But we're here and we seek relief. Self-compassion is the antidote to shame and self-care a confirmation that we are worthy, lovable cherished. This is our work. I'm honored to do it with all of you, regardless of how you got here or what life feels like at the moment.
Very well put. I'm at my best these days when I'm not in shame, but instead in self-compassion, or doing self-care, or both.
 
I have to say I am jealous of those who have been successful in life but also glad you guys had at least that. I cannot seem to get my ass in gear and face grown up life. It is interesting to hear the different sides of the same coin of regret/dealing. I always feel as if there is a giant clock ticking over my shoulder and it scares the hell out of me. I have hope having found this forum and the great guys I ha e met here but man that regret is a beast. The older I get the less I seem to have/achieve. I freeze with regret and guilt- which has fucked up many a good job/opportunity. I climbed back into my shell during the pandemic and just going to job interviews is downright terrifying. I will continue to fight and hope my new therapist will help me unlock my dormant potential. The potential I had before the rape. Thank you guys.
 
I became much more depressed about my personal life once I turned 50. Maybe talking about job issues in therapy would be helpful for you. I buried my pain under my work. In college it was alcohol.
 
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