Thinking of leaving him...ramble
Hi All,
I apologize in advance for what will probably be a long and rather unfocussed post. I'm tired and feeling foggy-headed. I'm depressed. Still I feel a strong need to "talk" to someone at the moment...someone who can truly understand the general dynamics of my relationship and dilemna.
I feel like giving up (on my relationship). I feel like I've come to the end of the fence and it's time to climb over and beyond it. To move on.
But then again, I am aware that I may feel differently before the day/week/month is through. Still, I always come back to this place...this unsettled place with that disquieting but always there somewhere voice that says, "C'mon, you know what you need to do, Lady. Let go. Face the facts and speak your truth. It's time to invest your energies elsewhere."
Today is one of those very rare days where both my partner and I are home, awake, and have no place that either of us have to be (we work opposite shifts, are on opposite sleep cycles, and usually whatever time we have to spend alone together is taken up with other obligations or compromised by different energy levels, etc). It was an unexpected day off for him that we found out he would have just last night. It is the last such day that we will have for the next 2 weeks.
We haven't had sex for at least a week and I was hoping that this free, lazy day together might mean some cuddling and intimacy before we got up. Usually I'm up hours before he is on days like today (man that guy can sleep!), but today while I was laying kinda half awake and silent beside him thinking he was still asleep, he got up without a word, put some pants on and went into the livingroom to play guitar. Absolutely no crime in that, but it upset me all the same. I got up moments later but he didn't seem to notice at first. When he did, he gave me a sweet and friendly "Good Morning, how are you?"
"Grumpy," says I.
"That's too bad," he said lightly, "Why don't you go back to bed for awhile?"
All innocent enough, but given our history all I got out of it was that, as usual, he wasn't about to ask what I was feeling grumpy about and was hoping I wouldn't volunteer anything. Keep everything light and peachy and life will be okay.
It just pissed me off. Why can't I feel safe to tell him what's bothering me? Why can't I just say, "I'd really like it if..." without it causing problems between us? Hell, why can't I feel safe trying to seduce my own partner, should I feel so inclined? I hate this tacit expectation that if I'm feeling upset (angry, sad, hurt, needy, confused, etc) about anything to do with us/him that I won't show it, mention it and will pretend that all is well.
For him, the unexpected night/day off was an opportunity to get drunk, which is what he did. I don't care for the company of drunks, but in our case it's always a dilemma for me as it's the one time he'll usually talk with me about more personal thoughts and feelings. Anyway, before going to bed last night, we got into a discussion about his desire to move to Ireland next year and his desire to, once there, try n' get custody of his 8 yr old daughter (who lives about 1 1/2 hrs from us here). He's been talking about this for several weeks now, but has never once asked what I want. He has this idea that we should move there, set up house, have his daughter come and live with us (my kids are grown and on their own now) and life will be great. He has family there and is very excited about the idea.
But I have a number of questions, concerns and reservations about this idea--not the least of which is where the money's going to come from for that. Also, while I think his daughter should be his #1 priority, I have come to the realization over the past year that I don't want to be a fulltime parent to any more kids. This last part is a definite shift in attitude for me, one that I struggle with, but I must be--and have been-- honest about it.
Anyway, I fell asleep last night to his accusing me of resenting his daughter, while also arguing that once we're over there my feelings about having her come to live with us fulltime will change. I kept insisting that I do not resent her, that I (having been a single parent and the sole custodian of my own kids for many years) understand all-too-well his concerns for her (living with her Mom, who's a seriously screwed up flake, in both of our opinions) and his interests in having more involvement in her life, etc. Besides, she's a nice kid.
Kid or no kid though, I also tried to explain to him that I feel we have a lot of work to do within our own relationship before I'd feel really comfortable about investing in making such a commitment as moving to Ireland for two years and setting up house there with him. Particularly when it comes to matters of communication, sex, passion and intimacy. I wasn't surprised when his only real response to that was that sometimes a move to a new place--somewhere he wants to be--can make all the difference in the world with such things. That and the fact that he "knows" I'd love it there, which oughtta be reason enough to go. Besides, he says, if I found I didn't want to stay there, I could always take off on my own "to Greece or something for six months" and come back when I wanted to. Huh???
Sorry, but I'm a firm believer that "wherever you go, there you are," and I don't believe for one moment that our moving to Ireland would magically dissolve the problems we have with sex, intimacy, and communication.
He's also mentioned his desire to marry me several times in the past many months. My response has always been "let's give it another 5 years and see if we can work through some of our problems first [primarily re: intimacy, communication, sex]." Anyway, I brought that up at some point this morning and he said something to the effect of "What? I don't remember saying I wanted to get married. If I did, you shouldn't read so much into it...I was probably just talking. I know that that decision would be up to you anyway." He also said, as he so often does, that I "take things [he says] too literally." Something he generally says with great impatience, exasperation and not a little condescension.
I was floored. After telling me on a number of occasions, some very recently, of his desire to marry me (he's almost 44 and has never been married), here he was denying having done so or, if he had, trying to minimize that as if it wasn't anything I should have paid any real attention to. Not only that but when challenged on it, he tried to dump it into my lap as if such possibilities and prospects are entirely my responsibility or something. Almost as if he was saying that if I ever did want to marry him, he'd marry me because that's what I wanted.
I just sat there for several minutes while he reclined on the couch, a pleasant, relaxed looking smile on his face (as if the conversation we'd begun could've been about the weather or casual dinner plans or something), and was soon back asleep (which he is still).
I dunno. I'm probably not communicating too clearly here and those things related above are only just fragmented pieces of the story. Hell, just yesterday I was asking him, quite gently but clearly, to leave (move out), after listening to him angrily tell me that I'm "too sensitive," "think too much," and that my desire for more indication from him that he finds me desirable, attractive, etc is "just creepy" and that he's "not going to feed into that." He kept saying, as I've heard countless times before over the past 3 1/2 years, that he doesn't understand me and wasn't going to bother with what, essentially, he sees as my neuroses...that basically I was wasting his time and what could have otherwise been a perfectly good day and should just 'get a grip.' You know, like I am the problem, and he hasn't got time for this crap.
When I pointed out the fact that while his problems with personal communication and intimacy/sex are quite foreign to me, I have always tried very hard to be sensitive and understanding of that, not put him down or negated him for those things, etc, he said "You have a point there," and we ended up having a 10 or 15 minute talk about some of our issues, agreeing to continue to work on them together. The rest of the day went well, but now I feel (and without surprise) like we're right back to square one again.
"Square one" is that place where for so long as I don't show or talk about my feelings/needs and just go gayly through the day as if all is well, everything will be fine. "The Great Pretend," as I call it. As I've pointed out to him on various occasions, I think this is quite a natural, comfortable (anesthetized) place for him, given that he grew up in a home where Daddy routinely sexually abused all 3 of his boys and nobody talked about it...everybody pretending that life was "normal" and all was well (as they still do). But, in my view anyway, this is hardly a healthy or productive way to go through life. And I, for one, won't do it.
I've just been trying to "keep the faith" for so f***ing long now, clinging to whatever signs of growth/change/hope there has been in our relationship--and there have been some--but my faith and willingness to hang in there is fading fast. I don't feel any faith right now. I don't feel at all hopeful right now. And while he will argue that I am self-absorbed, should "just lighten up," etc, my take on things is that it's all about him. His comfort zones. His rights to "space" and privacy. His dreams and desires. His sexual baggage. Etc, etc. I need more mutuality than this...something he says "isn't natural" to him (to be more thoughtful and considerate in his day-to-day interactions with me in a way that is meaningful to me).
Not that he's an asshole. He isn't. He's gentle and, on the surface, laid-back. He's got an easy sense of humour, likes to laugh, and is pretty affectionate most of the time, though in an almost filial way. And to the best of his ability and understanding, I know he loves me deeply. Hard to convey here, but please take my word for it.
Still, I can't escape the fact that for the 5 months we were split up last year, I felt so much better about my life in general. I had more energy, was healthier, looked better, loved my apartment, had more money, had a much more active social life, and was looking forward to my future.
I love this man. I do. But I love myself too. Am I completely out-to-lunch to want a partner who is as concerned and considerate of my needs, feelings and dreams as he is of his own?
Ah, enough already. Thanks for letting me spill for awhile.
Stride
I apologize in advance for what will probably be a long and rather unfocussed post. I'm tired and feeling foggy-headed. I'm depressed. Still I feel a strong need to "talk" to someone at the moment...someone who can truly understand the general dynamics of my relationship and dilemna.
I feel like giving up (on my relationship). I feel like I've come to the end of the fence and it's time to climb over and beyond it. To move on.
But then again, I am aware that I may feel differently before the day/week/month is through. Still, I always come back to this place...this unsettled place with that disquieting but always there somewhere voice that says, "C'mon, you know what you need to do, Lady. Let go. Face the facts and speak your truth. It's time to invest your energies elsewhere."
Today is one of those very rare days where both my partner and I are home, awake, and have no place that either of us have to be (we work opposite shifts, are on opposite sleep cycles, and usually whatever time we have to spend alone together is taken up with other obligations or compromised by different energy levels, etc). It was an unexpected day off for him that we found out he would have just last night. It is the last such day that we will have for the next 2 weeks.
We haven't had sex for at least a week and I was hoping that this free, lazy day together might mean some cuddling and intimacy before we got up. Usually I'm up hours before he is on days like today (man that guy can sleep!), but today while I was laying kinda half awake and silent beside him thinking he was still asleep, he got up without a word, put some pants on and went into the livingroom to play guitar. Absolutely no crime in that, but it upset me all the same. I got up moments later but he didn't seem to notice at first. When he did, he gave me a sweet and friendly "Good Morning, how are you?"
"Grumpy," says I.
"That's too bad," he said lightly, "Why don't you go back to bed for awhile?"
All innocent enough, but given our history all I got out of it was that, as usual, he wasn't about to ask what I was feeling grumpy about and was hoping I wouldn't volunteer anything. Keep everything light and peachy and life will be okay.
It just pissed me off. Why can't I feel safe to tell him what's bothering me? Why can't I just say, "I'd really like it if..." without it causing problems between us? Hell, why can't I feel safe trying to seduce my own partner, should I feel so inclined? I hate this tacit expectation that if I'm feeling upset (angry, sad, hurt, needy, confused, etc) about anything to do with us/him that I won't show it, mention it and will pretend that all is well.
For him, the unexpected night/day off was an opportunity to get drunk, which is what he did. I don't care for the company of drunks, but in our case it's always a dilemma for me as it's the one time he'll usually talk with me about more personal thoughts and feelings. Anyway, before going to bed last night, we got into a discussion about his desire to move to Ireland next year and his desire to, once there, try n' get custody of his 8 yr old daughter (who lives about 1 1/2 hrs from us here). He's been talking about this for several weeks now, but has never once asked what I want. He has this idea that we should move there, set up house, have his daughter come and live with us (my kids are grown and on their own now) and life will be great. He has family there and is very excited about the idea.
But I have a number of questions, concerns and reservations about this idea--not the least of which is where the money's going to come from for that. Also, while I think his daughter should be his #1 priority, I have come to the realization over the past year that I don't want to be a fulltime parent to any more kids. This last part is a definite shift in attitude for me, one that I struggle with, but I must be--and have been-- honest about it.
Anyway, I fell asleep last night to his accusing me of resenting his daughter, while also arguing that once we're over there my feelings about having her come to live with us fulltime will change. I kept insisting that I do not resent her, that I (having been a single parent and the sole custodian of my own kids for many years) understand all-too-well his concerns for her (living with her Mom, who's a seriously screwed up flake, in both of our opinions) and his interests in having more involvement in her life, etc. Besides, she's a nice kid.
Kid or no kid though, I also tried to explain to him that I feel we have a lot of work to do within our own relationship before I'd feel really comfortable about investing in making such a commitment as moving to Ireland for two years and setting up house there with him. Particularly when it comes to matters of communication, sex, passion and intimacy. I wasn't surprised when his only real response to that was that sometimes a move to a new place--somewhere he wants to be--can make all the difference in the world with such things. That and the fact that he "knows" I'd love it there, which oughtta be reason enough to go. Besides, he says, if I found I didn't want to stay there, I could always take off on my own "to Greece or something for six months" and come back when I wanted to. Huh???
Sorry, but I'm a firm believer that "wherever you go, there you are," and I don't believe for one moment that our moving to Ireland would magically dissolve the problems we have with sex, intimacy, and communication.
He's also mentioned his desire to marry me several times in the past many months. My response has always been "let's give it another 5 years and see if we can work through some of our problems first [primarily re: intimacy, communication, sex]." Anyway, I brought that up at some point this morning and he said something to the effect of "What? I don't remember saying I wanted to get married. If I did, you shouldn't read so much into it...I was probably just talking. I know that that decision would be up to you anyway." He also said, as he so often does, that I "take things [he says] too literally." Something he generally says with great impatience, exasperation and not a little condescension.
I was floored. After telling me on a number of occasions, some very recently, of his desire to marry me (he's almost 44 and has never been married), here he was denying having done so or, if he had, trying to minimize that as if it wasn't anything I should have paid any real attention to. Not only that but when challenged on it, he tried to dump it into my lap as if such possibilities and prospects are entirely my responsibility or something. Almost as if he was saying that if I ever did want to marry him, he'd marry me because that's what I wanted.
I just sat there for several minutes while he reclined on the couch, a pleasant, relaxed looking smile on his face (as if the conversation we'd begun could've been about the weather or casual dinner plans or something), and was soon back asleep (which he is still).
I dunno. I'm probably not communicating too clearly here and those things related above are only just fragmented pieces of the story. Hell, just yesterday I was asking him, quite gently but clearly, to leave (move out), after listening to him angrily tell me that I'm "too sensitive," "think too much," and that my desire for more indication from him that he finds me desirable, attractive, etc is "just creepy" and that he's "not going to feed into that." He kept saying, as I've heard countless times before over the past 3 1/2 years, that he doesn't understand me and wasn't going to bother with what, essentially, he sees as my neuroses...that basically I was wasting his time and what could have otherwise been a perfectly good day and should just 'get a grip.' You know, like I am the problem, and he hasn't got time for this crap.
When I pointed out the fact that while his problems with personal communication and intimacy/sex are quite foreign to me, I have always tried very hard to be sensitive and understanding of that, not put him down or negated him for those things, etc, he said "You have a point there," and we ended up having a 10 or 15 minute talk about some of our issues, agreeing to continue to work on them together. The rest of the day went well, but now I feel (and without surprise) like we're right back to square one again.
"Square one" is that place where for so long as I don't show or talk about my feelings/needs and just go gayly through the day as if all is well, everything will be fine. "The Great Pretend," as I call it. As I've pointed out to him on various occasions, I think this is quite a natural, comfortable (anesthetized) place for him, given that he grew up in a home where Daddy routinely sexually abused all 3 of his boys and nobody talked about it...everybody pretending that life was "normal" and all was well (as they still do). But, in my view anyway, this is hardly a healthy or productive way to go through life. And I, for one, won't do it.
I've just been trying to "keep the faith" for so f***ing long now, clinging to whatever signs of growth/change/hope there has been in our relationship--and there have been some--but my faith and willingness to hang in there is fading fast. I don't feel any faith right now. I don't feel at all hopeful right now. And while he will argue that I am self-absorbed, should "just lighten up," etc, my take on things is that it's all about him. His comfort zones. His rights to "space" and privacy. His dreams and desires. His sexual baggage. Etc, etc. I need more mutuality than this...something he says "isn't natural" to him (to be more thoughtful and considerate in his day-to-day interactions with me in a way that is meaningful to me).
Not that he's an asshole. He isn't. He's gentle and, on the surface, laid-back. He's got an easy sense of humour, likes to laugh, and is pretty affectionate most of the time, though in an almost filial way. And to the best of his ability and understanding, I know he loves me deeply. Hard to convey here, but please take my word for it.
Still, I can't escape the fact that for the 5 months we were split up last year, I felt so much better about my life in general. I had more energy, was healthier, looked better, loved my apartment, had more money, had a much more active social life, and was looking forward to my future.
I love this man. I do. But I love myself too. Am I completely out-to-lunch to want a partner who is as concerned and considerate of my needs, feelings and dreams as he is of his own?
Ah, enough already. Thanks for letting me spill for awhile.
Stride
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