Thinking of going to colledge
I am thinking about going to Orange Coast cummunity Colledge. They are unbelievably cheap, and due to my finacial status, i might be able to qualify for a small grant if i go full time. The only thing i am worried about is if my disability will be revoked if i attend full time. I am not sure if i could make it through anyways, and if they took away my disability for depression then i would be stuck with no money and no job. If I relapse, id probably have to wait again to get back on disability.
I keep remembering more and more little things. I was driving really bad today because i was thinking to hard about it. I freaked out three times and slamed on my brakes, once in the middle of a stop light that had just gone red. I got out of before the traffic started moving though. I didnt sleep at all last night, and i feel like my subconscious is closer to the surface or something because im so exhausted. I still have to go to a four hour class tonight, but i think the tension of driving all the way to costa mesa in rush hour traffic gave me a sort of mild, prolonged panic attack, combined with the always present anxiety of dealing with the abuse. I sometimes wonder if it is so bad i am blocking it out, what makes me think i want to remember it? It all boils down to this big blank spot from 3 to 8. I remember all sorts of stange things, things like how i felt when i was really little, so alone, and how i used to go to a babysitter. That part seems really nuts. I was going there between the ages 7 and 8. I remember because those were my favorite numbers. I remember once this todler they had named eddie was trying to climb this huge piece of furniture and i think it fell on him. I dont remember what exactely happened, I dont remember if i lifted it off him or stopped it before it fell, but he had a head injury, and i dont remember them ever calling a docter. One of the todlers the babysitter was sitting smeared shit all over the wall of this nursury room. I remember her screaming at her daughters all the time, the younger one especially. I think i remember she would cry sometimes when they were arguing. The daughters always had to look after all the kids. I kind of did too. The woman was babysitting too many kids at once and got busted for it. I remember there was this other girl named monica who used to be there too, and she was real snotty. She was really stuck up, but i had this big crush on her for a long time, probably because she was such a class act, i knew she would always cut me down for being "wierd" i remember her dad picked her up once in a pick up truck and he was screaming at me, something like "if i ever touch her again he'll kill me" I was 7. And i dont think i did anything that normal kids dont occasionally do. From what i remember she was always manipulating me and using my crush to make fun of me. And i would just take it. She was a really mean little kid. Thats how i remember it anyways, i hope im right. My therapist once said i have a really strong superego, it is what kept me going and what at the same time was holding me back. I just hope i can trust in that and that i have always tried to do the right thing, even when it kills me, are enough evidence that i didnt hurt anyone else. The babysitters name was Zuma. Something was definitely wrong there.
I also remember in first grade we had this teacher who would give out "birthday spankings" on kids birthdays. It didnt hurt, but it was humiliating, you had to sit there in front of twenty other kids and get laughed at. The kids were so fucking stupid they all thought what the teachers told them to, and made fun of me when i said no, i didnt want to. Something is definitely rotten here man.
This is a very large jigsaw puzzle, and the pieces are scattered around in a mansion. This is so slow, but it IS happening.
I dont knwo what i can do about my mother. I could send her to prison probably, because i know where she stashes her herion and have a key to the door. But shell be in and out in no time flat. The worst that would happen is she'd lose the house, and her job. From what i heard, the amount she had was a lot, probably enough for possesion for sale. I find myself again wondering if my stepfather is a dealer? He talked about it, said the shit was everywhere in vietnam. They tried to cover it up, the fact that so many GI's were getting hooked on smack, they made these methodone clinics and wouldnt send them back home until they were "sober" Methodon is just a prescribed low grade herion, it isnt that much less addictive than herion. The fact that three of my moms boyfriends were in vietnam and i suspect everyone of them was addicted to herion doesnt bode well for my forgotten childhood. The thing is, what qualifies for justice in this situation? The worst, and maybe most probable scenario is that she would get arrested, thrown in jail for few months to a few years (she is a repeat offender), lose her house and her job, and. though i am hesitant to say this, she will probably become dependant on somebody who can get her a fix. A junky prostitute. I guess its not so much of a change from what shes been doing her whole life, it is just that she manipulates the guys who are with her so she has some control over the relationship. Is that justice? Well, the way i see it, it is karma. I have a right to defend myself and stand up for myself, if she dies with a needle in her arm and a handfull of cash from a john, I didnt do it to her, she did it to HERSELF. Of course, if she has moved her hiding spot, this is probably a moot point, unless they can get dogs to sniff it out. Really doubt thats going to happen though.
In a way i feel sorry for her. I know her dad almost certainly abused her, from what my uncle tells me his house was pretty crazy. He said his dad once kicked down the door because he wanted to take them away from thier mother for a fishing trip. Typical. Ugly divorce? No shit...
Ug, that is enough for now, only have six more hours until i can sleep. I HOPe i can sleep.
Hope, Love, Virtue, and Justice to everybody here, i wish you all the joy in the world.
I keep remembering more and more little things. I was driving really bad today because i was thinking to hard about it. I freaked out three times and slamed on my brakes, once in the middle of a stop light that had just gone red. I got out of before the traffic started moving though. I didnt sleep at all last night, and i feel like my subconscious is closer to the surface or something because im so exhausted. I still have to go to a four hour class tonight, but i think the tension of driving all the way to costa mesa in rush hour traffic gave me a sort of mild, prolonged panic attack, combined with the always present anxiety of dealing with the abuse. I sometimes wonder if it is so bad i am blocking it out, what makes me think i want to remember it? It all boils down to this big blank spot from 3 to 8. I remember all sorts of stange things, things like how i felt when i was really little, so alone, and how i used to go to a babysitter. That part seems really nuts. I was going there between the ages 7 and 8. I remember because those were my favorite numbers. I remember once this todler they had named eddie was trying to climb this huge piece of furniture and i think it fell on him. I dont remember what exactely happened, I dont remember if i lifted it off him or stopped it before it fell, but he had a head injury, and i dont remember them ever calling a docter. One of the todlers the babysitter was sitting smeared shit all over the wall of this nursury room. I remember her screaming at her daughters all the time, the younger one especially. I think i remember she would cry sometimes when they were arguing. The daughters always had to look after all the kids. I kind of did too. The woman was babysitting too many kids at once and got busted for it. I remember there was this other girl named monica who used to be there too, and she was real snotty. She was really stuck up, but i had this big crush on her for a long time, probably because she was such a class act, i knew she would always cut me down for being "wierd" i remember her dad picked her up once in a pick up truck and he was screaming at me, something like "if i ever touch her again he'll kill me" I was 7. And i dont think i did anything that normal kids dont occasionally do. From what i remember she was always manipulating me and using my crush to make fun of me. And i would just take it. She was a really mean little kid. Thats how i remember it anyways, i hope im right. My therapist once said i have a really strong superego, it is what kept me going and what at the same time was holding me back. I just hope i can trust in that and that i have always tried to do the right thing, even when it kills me, are enough evidence that i didnt hurt anyone else. The babysitters name was Zuma. Something was definitely wrong there.
I also remember in first grade we had this teacher who would give out "birthday spankings" on kids birthdays. It didnt hurt, but it was humiliating, you had to sit there in front of twenty other kids and get laughed at. The kids were so fucking stupid they all thought what the teachers told them to, and made fun of me when i said no, i didnt want to. Something is definitely rotten here man.
This is a very large jigsaw puzzle, and the pieces are scattered around in a mansion. This is so slow, but it IS happening.
I dont knwo what i can do about my mother. I could send her to prison probably, because i know where she stashes her herion and have a key to the door. But shell be in and out in no time flat. The worst that would happen is she'd lose the house, and her job. From what i heard, the amount she had was a lot, probably enough for possesion for sale. I find myself again wondering if my stepfather is a dealer? He talked about it, said the shit was everywhere in vietnam. They tried to cover it up, the fact that so many GI's were getting hooked on smack, they made these methodone clinics and wouldnt send them back home until they were "sober" Methodon is just a prescribed low grade herion, it isnt that much less addictive than herion. The fact that three of my moms boyfriends were in vietnam and i suspect everyone of them was addicted to herion doesnt bode well for my forgotten childhood. The thing is, what qualifies for justice in this situation? The worst, and maybe most probable scenario is that she would get arrested, thrown in jail for few months to a few years (she is a repeat offender), lose her house and her job, and. though i am hesitant to say this, she will probably become dependant on somebody who can get her a fix. A junky prostitute. I guess its not so much of a change from what shes been doing her whole life, it is just that she manipulates the guys who are with her so she has some control over the relationship. Is that justice? Well, the way i see it, it is karma. I have a right to defend myself and stand up for myself, if she dies with a needle in her arm and a handfull of cash from a john, I didnt do it to her, she did it to HERSELF. Of course, if she has moved her hiding spot, this is probably a moot point, unless they can get dogs to sniff it out. Really doubt thats going to happen though.
In a way i feel sorry for her. I know her dad almost certainly abused her, from what my uncle tells me his house was pretty crazy. He said his dad once kicked down the door because he wanted to take them away from thier mother for a fishing trip. Typical. Ugly divorce? No shit...
Ug, that is enough for now, only have six more hours until i can sleep. I HOPe i can sleep.
Hope, Love, Virtue, and Justice to everybody here, i wish you all the joy in the world.
