Thinking about something

Thinking about something
J

Jaysen

Registrant
I was just talking to someone and telling them how I used to feel like I continually dissapoined everyone around me and that became the reason "why".

I dissapointed my father, that's why he had to beat me. I dissapointed my mother because I couldn't get her off, that's why she had to give me the silent treatment or insult me or get my father after me. I dissapointed Kenny because I was too needy and too stupid to know how to please a grown man sexually, that's why he had to "teach me lessons." When those guys had me I dissapointed them because I couldn't play the part or play the role that they needed me to play to get them off, that's why they had to torture me. I dissapointed my friends that tried to help me.

Everything I said above, everytime I felt that I dissapointed someone... it's all a bunch of BULLSHIT. I didn't dissapoint them, THEY dissapointed me.

It wasn't about them and what I could have done to make them stop or make them happy, or make them love me. It was about ME and not getting the love and respect and kindness that any other human being deserved.

I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I only need to be concerned with me.
 
Jay,

I hope you will print your post out and stick it up some place where you can see it - just to remind yourself when you feel down.

Where do you think you got all those negative feelings in the first place? From neglect and abuse. And as usual from those sources, the lessons were ALL false.

You're absolutely right about your parents, Kenny, and the other guys, except they didn't disappoint you - they betrayed you. They betrayed the duties of parenthood, they betrayed the obligations of adulthood where kids are concerned, and they betrayed the expectations of friendship.

And right again! Stay clean and sober; do your best and let others relate to that Jaysen, the REAL Jaysen. In other words, just be true to yourself and what you know to be right and good for you. You will get past all this and do just fine.

Much love,
Larry
 
its amazing how a change in how you look at things can make a real difference, but it can. equally amazing is how survivors want to shoulder the whole load of blame. some of your thoughts are very promising. you seem to really be growing. Good Job!
 
Jay,

Thanks, yeah some of my thoughts are promising, the other ones I'll keep to myself
Click to expand...
No one has all promising and positive thoughts. The more negative ones we can look on as signals alerting us to where we need to do more work. That's all. What counts isn't having negative thoughts, but how we resolve the problems that give rise to those thoughts in the first place. Feel free to share those if you think it will help you.

Much love,
Larry
 
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