Think going crazy

Think going crazy
A

ak

Registrant
I am sorry not respond to noone right now. I have not been here, but for chat room tonight. I do not know what go wrong with me now. It is as everything is trigger of me. I trigger even myself. It islike always right now, I feel my skin is twitchie, feel my muscles constantly moving, even when I am trying to lie in bed and go sleep, like always I must be ready run away. I was at gym after therapy today, and I go to hit the punch bag, never try that before, and I just go crazy with it, keep hitting it over and over, harder and harder, until my nuckles bleed and my arms and back hurt. I look everywhere, I see them, I see mostly him who do worse things at me. Still I am afraid of him, still I am afraid he will kill me, he say he will, he is so far away, but it feel he is here and if I go asleep I never will wake up again. How long it is until you aren't afraid? how long until I do not see, and hear, and feel and even smell them here with me, feel things in my body? I feel I need to scream, feel I need to cry, and feel I can not do either. It is not of reason, but feel everything I do, it is wrong thing. I do not make sense, my mind do not work, I am sorry.

Andrei
 
Andrei everything is ok with you. Your body and mind are just normal responding on traumatic wounds and scars. Don't be panic about it and do not press on yourself because of triggers.
Please be patient with yourself and better time will come.
 
Andrei,

I am sad to see this happening to you. You are not crazy. You are not going crazy. It is normal, but that does not make it less difficult.

I think I know something about how you feel. I wrote one time that "just having a body is a trigger." I will dig that up and send it to you.

You are not doing wrong things. You are doing some new things, and they feel different. You are doing some good things, but evil men told you not to do those good things. They had great power over you when you were still a boy. Of course you will feel fear when you do those good things now.

You will get through this time and you will feel better. Maybe you can try to think of some better times, times with real friends when you did feel better things.

Please remember there is no requirement to respond. Each of us must do what is best for ourselves, so you decide when you will respond.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Andrei,

You aren't crazy. At least more than the rest of us.

What you're dealing with, it's normal. People who survive what we have, what you have, this happens and it drives us CRAZY when it does.

I know it's hard, but when this happens, if you can, ground yourself. Look at what's around you. Keep your eyes open. Notice EVERY LITTLE DETAIL in your surroundings. Beat the living hell out of something (you were smart - you chose a punching bag), do something, anything, that keeps you focused in the moment.

These feelings, these flashbacks, they will fade in time. I know that sounds so empty now, but they will, and you'll feel better.

If you could only see, Andrei, how far you've come in so short a time. You have healed, and while you have a way to go, you WILL make it. I know it.

I'm thinking about you today, Andrei. I want you to know that.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Andrei, like the others have said, YOU are not crazy. You are a young MAN who has suffered a terrible evil. That son of a bitch is terrified you will tell and put his life and career at risk. What does he do. Just like he did before, Threaten to kill you if you tell. It takes you right back to being that scared little boy. Once again he proves that he never cared for, does not now and never will have any concern for your well being. Only his own. What a shit he is.

Andrei look at it this way. You are in total control now and the thought of that must drive him crazy with fear. If it were me I would let him stew in his own sweat for a while.

The funny thing is his threat may, in actual fact, cause you to eventuall do exactly what he is terrified of. Figuratively Andrei you have him by the balls.

Boy if that is not taking the power back!!!!!
 
Andrei
you're not crazy, you're just hurting a bit more than usual. We all get times like this, and they pass.

Healing isn't easy, but giving in is hell.

Dave
 
Andrei, for such a long time you put a huge cap on your feelings. Sometimes you did not even feel physical injuries. Now, in treatment you are beginning to feel a great many feelings and you are feeling them at some depth.

It is important that you remember to speak with the therapist about that next time. Ask her for some ideas on how you can handle the emotions that seem to overwhelm you.

Anyone who has someone tell him that he will kill him is gong to have fear. I would seek some advice on this. But I do think it could help to let these folks know that you have named them to various people and their crimes--they had better know that any harm that would come to you would cause some people with the facts to immediately expose them. Let them experience some terror for once.

But, ask your T about this. Maybe in your culture it would be the wrong thing to do and could cause you a lot of problems. Possibly letting them think they are safe is better at this point. I just do not know. I am so angry at them that I would like to confront them so I am not the one to advise you on this one. I would be willing to learn the language to scare the hell out of them if I could.

Anyway, you are feeling a lot and that is a new experience to you. When you got a bit out of control you hit a bag that cannot be hurt. That was good. You can trust yourself that you will not hurt anyone, so let the anger out in a way that neutralizes the rage within you. That is the only thing that works for me. It I don't neutralize it it grows and grows and then I really am afraid I will do something stupid. But, that is what I do. It does not mean that it would be good for you to do that.

You and your T need to work on this because it is such a new experience for you. But I think that it is a healthy thing and a means towards healing. It is perfectly okay to have anger at people who have harmed us. We can't harm them, but we can sure feel like we want to.

Bob
 
Andrei, one day you will be able to have your feelings, and express them. You are still learning what they are and how to deal with them. But already, since first telling anything of this, you have come through so much, and come through with great character and dignity. You are not going crazy any more than anyone else here is. You are learning your strength and your power, and learning it well. I admire you very much my friend.

Leosha
 
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