Things, triggers
This happen last week, but I need to speak it. I think, I can ignore it, I can make it to go away.
My mother, who was most the one to abuse me sexual, I have been avoiding of her. It is not so very hard when I am in U.S., and she is not. She do not know my phone number, my mobile phone or where I am living. I gone to see her in December with some friends with me, because my father died suddenly short time before then, I feel it is like my job, to go to see her? So I go with two friends, think I will be safe of her that way. Still, even with friends there too, she act strange with me, and want to get me into the other room with her. We just leave after short time. I have not talk with her since then, I do not want to.
Last week, she call to where I am working, I do not know it is her, they just tell to me I have call from Russia. My sister is to have baby this month, and I wonder if it is of that, even though she do have my phone numbers. So I go to phone and it is my mother.
She ask me, if I am angry with her. I decide I will tell her truth, and I say yes. She ask me why, and I tell to her, because of what things you do to me as I am growing up. And she become angry, she say what do I do to you, I protect you of your father, and I treat you as good I can. I tell her, you are not suppose to have sex with your children, that is wrong, that is not protecting, that is not treating good. And she say, 'oh, that'. Like it is nothing to her, she almost say it like it is question, like she can not believe it, that something so small bother me.
She say to me that I am hers. That after she marry my father (she marry him as she is already pregnent with my sister) and he is so cruel with her, with all us, that she ask to God to send her someone good, someone her to love. And she tell me, that is me, I am hers. I tell her, but you do not love your child like that. She say it can not be bad if it is from God. I tell her no, you do not understand, it is wrong to do this with your child. She say, but it is sign, God give you to me for me. That if it is not right, I would not look as I do. She say, I ask for someone, he give to me this handsome boy, it is you, it is the sign. I ask her, how it can be a sign, when first it start I am 3 or 4 years age.
It is crazy, as she is saying it, part, I become angry. Part, it almost make sense, as she say it. her voice to me, it is like she is explaining simple thing to a small child, I must be stupid to not understand it. I told her no, you are not right, you are just bad, and I tell her not to call to me, and I hang up. But it feel very strange to me, it have emotional and even physical effect at me, and make me feel I am crazy. She can NOT be right, yes? And how it is, how she can think it in any way to make her feel it is right? It make it crazy to me.
Then, just other day, I am helping train a dance pair, and when we work at lift, she accidentally hit me in the face with her leg, my nose start to bleed. I taste blood, and panic, flashback. It is something, I think I should control more. But still, it happens, and I lose control, get very afraid, do not know even where I am or what is happening around me. It is not so terrible with anyone around me who understand it, but most people, they will not.
It feels, emotions, I feel that there is no control no more. I go to therapist, I try talk, and it is, something catches my words, before I can get all them out. There is some things, it is near impossible to speak of, out loud. Even with close friends, I have not talked so much everything. I feel it, comes in the circle, that I make some bad happen, with choices I make when I am younger. And that is another thing, that something that happen she do not notice what have happened to me.
I am sorry this is so confused, it is confused in me also, but it do not seem to be helping, to not speak on it, so I try here, thank you.
VN
My mother, who was most the one to abuse me sexual, I have been avoiding of her. It is not so very hard when I am in U.S., and she is not. She do not know my phone number, my mobile phone or where I am living. I gone to see her in December with some friends with me, because my father died suddenly short time before then, I feel it is like my job, to go to see her? So I go with two friends, think I will be safe of her that way. Still, even with friends there too, she act strange with me, and want to get me into the other room with her. We just leave after short time. I have not talk with her since then, I do not want to.
Last week, she call to where I am working, I do not know it is her, they just tell to me I have call from Russia. My sister is to have baby this month, and I wonder if it is of that, even though she do have my phone numbers. So I go to phone and it is my mother.
She ask me, if I am angry with her. I decide I will tell her truth, and I say yes. She ask me why, and I tell to her, because of what things you do to me as I am growing up. And she become angry, she say what do I do to you, I protect you of your father, and I treat you as good I can. I tell her, you are not suppose to have sex with your children, that is wrong, that is not protecting, that is not treating good. And she say, 'oh, that'. Like it is nothing to her, she almost say it like it is question, like she can not believe it, that something so small bother me.
She say to me that I am hers. That after she marry my father (she marry him as she is already pregnent with my sister) and he is so cruel with her, with all us, that she ask to God to send her someone good, someone her to love. And she tell me, that is me, I am hers. I tell her, but you do not love your child like that. She say it can not be bad if it is from God. I tell her no, you do not understand, it is wrong to do this with your child. She say, but it is sign, God give you to me for me. That if it is not right, I would not look as I do. She say, I ask for someone, he give to me this handsome boy, it is you, it is the sign. I ask her, how it can be a sign, when first it start I am 3 or 4 years age.
It is crazy, as she is saying it, part, I become angry. Part, it almost make sense, as she say it. her voice to me, it is like she is explaining simple thing to a small child, I must be stupid to not understand it. I told her no, you are not right, you are just bad, and I tell her not to call to me, and I hang up. But it feel very strange to me, it have emotional and even physical effect at me, and make me feel I am crazy. She can NOT be right, yes? And how it is, how she can think it in any way to make her feel it is right? It make it crazy to me.
Then, just other day, I am helping train a dance pair, and when we work at lift, she accidentally hit me in the face with her leg, my nose start to bleed. I taste blood, and panic, flashback. It is something, I think I should control more. But still, it happens, and I lose control, get very afraid, do not know even where I am or what is happening around me. It is not so terrible with anyone around me who understand it, but most people, they will not.
It feels, emotions, I feel that there is no control no more. I go to therapist, I try talk, and it is, something catches my words, before I can get all them out. There is some things, it is near impossible to speak of, out loud. Even with close friends, I have not talked so much everything. I feel it, comes in the circle, that I make some bad happen, with choices I make when I am younger. And that is another thing, that something that happen she do not notice what have happened to me.
I am sorry this is so confused, it is confused in me also, but it do not seem to be helping, to not speak on it, so I try here, thank you.
VN
