Things are better & The mother from

[ForeverFighting]

They say modesty is knowing your own limitations. I compare my past to an old hiking injury. (Mauled by a bear?) Anyway, depending on circumstances, sometimes my past starts hurting if I try to do too much.

For me "doing too much" equals doing anything social--anything taking emotional strength. I did too much the last few weeks. I had people over two weekends in a row, gave a public speech, and spent some time with people that intimidate me. They're nice people, but they trigger. He knew my family well when I was a kid, so he asks a lot about them. That's bad for me. The same kind of thing that happens when my mom makes her bi-monthly phone calls out of some sort of duty or because she needs me to provide something that will make her look good in front of her friends. She makes her judgements of every aspect of my life she can pry out of me, then goes on her merry way while I stew around the house with flames coming from my eyes.

If anyone has a suggestion on how to shed a judgemental, controlling mother (wife of my physical abuser) without shedding whatever duties I have as a son to her, I'd love to hear what you've done.

I called and made an appointment with my therapist. I talk to him about two or three times a year now. I feel like I should be able to do this on my own by now, but there's that modesty again. I can't. I talk to him next Tuesday. But today I do feel better. There's not so much arguing in my head, not so many compulsions to act out and do damaging things. I just have to be easy on myself so my old injury doesn't act up. Hang in there.

 

[theo]

foreverfighting,
i was not sure if i would be able to contribte anything productive to your post till i came across a thought. it is in reference to your mother. this is a difficult issue for me because of my own past. what i can suggest you consider is determine what your boundaries are regarding your interactions with her and inform her of them. what i mean is this. boundary issues are one of the biggest things for us survivors. the obligations you feel towards your mother does not include her ridiculing your life as an adult. you have a right to expect that your mother would respect your wishes in regards to the negative experiences you have shared here. the dilemma of being a good son should not have to iniclude allowing the parent to belittle the offspring, no matter the age. hmmm, i feel like i am talking in circles. iin a nutshell, forever, for me personally, my sense of obligation to my maternal perp and her family ended the day i realized she refused to honor my boundaries because it told me that she was not considerinig me as her son but as something to manipulate and/or dominate. i don't suggest walking away, as i did because it is obvious you still want to share your life, but if she refuses to treat you with the dignity you deserve and have earned through your recovery, then the question of obligation is reversed and she should ask herself how she can fulfill her obligations as a mother. i apologize of it sounds like a rant. all i wanted to say is that if the people we share our lives with refuse to treat us with the dignity we deserve than it is they who have failed, not us, and our responsibility to them is no more through their own choice.

 

[ForeverFighting]

I appreciate your observations about the mother from. This has been a sticking point in my recovery. So much so that I think that's the direction to go. I think I'll start another thread on that subject. Thanks again for your insight. I admire your ability to walk away. Which brings me to the question, Why haven't I?

ForeverFighting my deceitful mother