They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk

They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk
E

EGL

Registrant
Why is it that those family members who say they want to help us, say they want us to be a close family, say they want to understand our pain, yet when it comes time to put up or shut up, they disappear?

Case in point: When my wife was pregnant with our second baby, the baby died 5 months into the pregnancy. My wife had to undergo surgery at the hospital so that they could surgically remove our dead daughter. My father (physical abuser) and mother, who live here in the same town as us, didn't even come to the hospital, call, nothing. It's like they have no concept of anyone else's pain. Yet, they talk about "helping". Fuck that kind of help, who needs it? They have no concept of the kind of pain this was, or just fucking didn't care.

I was talking about this with my therapist today, and getting angrier and angrier as I did. This is so typical of their crap, they can talk it but they can't follow through. It's like the abuse never ends, they never have been able to "get it". My brother (sexually abuser) is the same way, totally clueless about the pain he causes everyone in the family. Idiot.
 
I was speaking with someone in the chat room about this very topic last night. Our actions are more defining than our words are. Abusers always say one thing and do the opposite. It is part of what causes the confusion which eventually brings about dissociation and splits within the mind.
 
I think they do not 'walk the walk' because oblivion, ignorance of their misdeeds, is much easier to live with then having the courage and dignity to take responsibility for their actions.

Leosha
 
I think it's not so much easier to live with the oblivion as easier to exist with it.

What you do, Eddie, is live. I'm not sure what word describes what they do. They really do not "get it."

Thanks,

Joe
 
EGL

Thanks for what you wrote.

If abusers were to feel the pain they inflict on their victims maybe they would not be able or would not want to abuse.

And there is also a mentallity of "for your own good", "tough love", etc in society which enables people to carry out their sadistic behaviours. And when it comes to family there seem to be a right of ownership which gives rights to breaking boundaries and abusing.

Sometimes I feel that the people who abused me should physically experience the equivalent of the emotional pain I endured from them.

I have heard once from some eastern philosophy that if someone hits you once, you hit them back 3 times real hard to make them realize that what they did was inappropriate. Sounds good to me!!!!

Take care
Heart
 
Originally posted by heart:
EGL

I have heard once from some eastern philosophy that if someone hits you once, you hit them back 3 times real hard to make them realize that what they did was inappropriate. Sounds good to me!!!!

Take care
Heart
Click to expand...
I got arrested for doing that. They ignored my wishes, ignored my beliefs, ignored everything that I ever said, lied to me, manipulated my emotions and me, and tried to convince me that they were doing it for my own benefit and that it was love. I returned the favor and threw it all back in their face in a form that resembled hate, but I guess that according to their description, it would be love.
 
Eddie - Boy do I hear what you're saying! I grew up in a family that said "we love you" but never showed love...all I wanted was for us to care "like other families care"! They said, "you can be whatever you want to be" BUT discouraged me whenever I tried to dream, plan on being successful, rich, famous because "you know you can't be that" ! I was always waiting for my family to say or show "Howard we care". I tried to "please my family" every way I could BUT never heard the positives or "good boy" BUT did hear "self praise stinks". I tried for decades to please my family, change them to be the family I needed and dreamed of. I only started my recovery when I let my dreams for them go and focused on telling myself, "good boy", "good job". I had to tell myself, "you can do this", "you're good, loveable and 'the okay one'".
If I waited for my family to change, I would waste a lifetime waiting and waiting. I had to leave go and change myself and focus on the FAMILY I DO HAVE! Boy, is it tough to realize mom and dad are &*^&%)( and they'll never change (at least not for me). That's my story and my struggle to get past this point!

Howard
 
Eddie,

it is sad that you are the victim, and still being abused by acts they do today, sadly, their sad minds can't see the damage.

They just don't "get it", then again, how could they?

take care

ste
 
I'm in agreement with you guys, especially Leosha.

The people that hurt us, abusers or the uncaring - whoever it might be, just take the easy option.

We're left with the ONLY option, the RESPONSIBLE one.
So we take it, gladly.

Dave
 
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