They say the abuse doesn’t make you gay, but...
It can be confusing. It is for me anyway. I was abused by an adult male when I was very young. I hated it but can’t deny the pleasure part.I understand why people say the abuse doesn’t make a person gay, but are y’all sure that it really isn’t true in some ways? I, for an example, don’t identify myself as gay, but I know that I am very confused. And the confusion comes from having weird feelings of arousal attached to certain sex acts that I experienced when I was a kid. And I sometimes fantasize about those acts, and watch porn that has some of those acts in it - and I feel like I want to do those things sometimes. But then I also feel very, very guilty about those thoughts and feelings, too. God, I can’t believe I’m actually typing this right now. This is very hard for me to talk about or properly articulate. Anyway, I have always had crushes on girls, so I thought I was strait, but you can’t be strait if you are looking at gay porn, can you? I guess I could have been born gay and never realized, and that’s why they chose to fuck with me when I was a kid. But do y’all see my confusion? Does anyone know what this experience is like? Like, if the only reason I am feeling these urges and arousal towards men is because of the stuff I experienced as a kid, then how can I say the abuse didn’t make me gay?
I feel so alone, so confused, and I feel like I am such a sick person for getting off to the stuff that happened, when it was all so bad. Please, I hope someone can answer me. I’m so sorry this post is so jumbled.