They say the abuse doesn’t make you gay, but...

They say the abuse doesn’t make you gay, but...
Sexuality is understood by me to be plastic ,i.e not hard wired.If people can orgasm while being abused than is it too much of a stretch that people can "get off on it"much later on?Abuse is a sexual experience i guess.Abuse was part of my sex socialisation unfortunately
 
I understand why people say the abuse doesn’t make a person gay, but are y’all sure that it really isn’t true in some ways? I, for an example, don’t identify myself as gay, but I know that I am very confused. And the confusion comes from having weird feelings of arousal attached to certain sex acts that I experienced when I was a kid. And I sometimes fantasize about those acts, and watch porn that has some of those acts in it - and I feel like I want to do those things sometimes. But then I also feel very, very guilty about those thoughts and feelings, too. God, I can’t believe I’m actually typing this right now. This is very hard for me to talk about or properly articulate. Anyway, I have always had crushes on girls, so I thought I was strait, but you can’t be strait if you are looking at gay porn, can you? I guess I could have been born gay and never realized, and that’s why they chose to fuck with me when I was a kid. But do y’all see my confusion? Does anyone know what this experience is like? Like, if the only reason I am feeling these urges and arousal towards men is because of the stuff I experienced as a kid, then how can I say the abuse didn’t make me gay?
I feel so alone, so confused, and I feel like I am such a sick person for getting off to the stuff that happened, when it was all so bad. Please, I hope someone can answer me. I’m so sorry this post is so jumbled.
It can be confusing. It is for me anyway. I was abused by an adult male when I was very young. I hated it but can’t deny the pleasure part.
Feelings of arousal and eroticization of it have come back periodically over the decades since. Usually when I’m talking about it I’m therapy like now.
I’ve always lived as a straight man. Have never been “attracted” to men in a way that I want a relationship or like I’d look at them with any kind of desire.
I’ve acted out with men but it’s always anonymous and without any desire to spend time with them. Nothing but sexual acts or fantasies. If U watch gay porn it is strictly about the act and never because I find a guy “hot”.
It’s just part of the experience that I believe comes from SA
 
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