They reach out in some pretty strange ways...

[crisispoint]

Most folks here know my father and I have had a very dysfunctional arrangement. The fact that he's struggling with incipient dementia/perhaps Alzheimer's doesn't help. I've forgiven him and learned to live with the emotional abuse he put me through, but still, he's an angry old man who doesn't understand why his kids were driven from HIM and not my mother.

Still, he occasionally reaches out in suprising, and somewhat touching ways.

A week ago, I was over before teaching, giving him his morning meds, and he pointed at a framed poem I wrote for my mother when she died. Very nice frame, displayed at her wake and funeral, the whole bit. Even so, it usually takes an act of God for him to acknowledge my work. he certainly spent years knocking it down!

He somehow ended up with it and it spent the last five years sitting on his windowsill unnoticed. Then, he says to me, "you wrote that, didn't you?"

"Yeah Dad, I did," I replied while counting pills.

A pause. "The visiting nurse noticed it the other day. She said it was very beautiful and asked me who wrote it. I said, 'my son.'"

I looked up. "You SAID that?"

"Yeah. I read it too. It's very good. Do you still write?"

"Yeah?" This kind of thing was usually a set-up for a knockdown when I was a kid.

"Why don't you get it published?"

My father, again, the man I spent my WHOLE F**KING LIFE trying to get approval from, gave me another boost of approval.

I wonder still if he's aware how much it means now.

Peace and love,

Scot.

P.S. Parents, tell your kids you're proud of them. We spend our lives looking for those moments of approval. It means the world to the kids.

 

[Bill_1965]

 

[Stephen_5]

Scot,

I was so angry at my dad. Yeah, I was always looking for approval and I was always found lacking in one respect or another. Then he had a series of strokes and suddenly he became human. He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead for the first time that I could remember when I was in my early 40s. I was pissed. It took some little explosions in his head before he treated my like his son and acted like a loving father!

I got over it and I watched as he deteriorated over the next 6-7 years until he died in '02. I know that he did the best he knew how to do. He provided for us financially but not emotionally. Neither of my parents were there for me when I needed them the most. I'd like to think that I learned from that and am a better man, was a better husband and am a better father. I learned that I can never tell my girls enough how proud I am of them.

Take care,

Steve

 

[ShadowTraveler]

I think it is important to remember that parents generally do the best they can, and are/were often restrained by their own upbringing. My own parents, who were never abusive physically, were not usually supportive emotionally. Ours was a military family (and proud of it, as I am)and the warrior code did not encourage displays of affection. Both of my parents came fromm families where expressing love and support were either difficult or impossible. My Dad's parents were good people who had a hard time saying it, but showed their love in other ways and gave approval to their children indirectly, though they always made it clear. My Mom's parents on the other hand were distant. Her mother was a cold hearted, demanding, hyper-critical bitch.

Gradually, my Dad came around. He still has a hard time saying it, but he communicates it very well otherwise. And my Mom has tried very hard to overcome her background. With all of the grandparents gone, they both realized what was wrong. The soul searching and remembering that came with each of those deaths bore fruit. My parents have in recent years gone out of their way to let me know how proud they are and how they love me. And while it would have helped enormously when I was younger, as a middle aged man it warms my heart no end and I bless them for their ability and desire to change.

There is no question that the withholding of approval and expressions of love have a tremendous impact on children. But it is great to see that many of those types of parents CAN and do change. And we should encourage and appreciate that change whenever we can.