They call it art....

They call it art....
S

seaotter

Registrant
This morning a good friend called me, he had something to show me, he told me. So, since he only lives some 15 km (some 10 or so miles) away, I went to see him, about an hour ago, I just got back.

You see, he collects old photographs, just a silly hobby I guess, but he likes them, no matter what they depict. Mostly just plain old everyday pictures.

Last weekend he'd bought an collection on some flea-market and had found one picture which he couldn't believe he was looking at.
A picture of me. Just one picture, loose in the album.

No wonder he wanted to know what the heck that picture was, other than the obvious. Me, naked, crying, about 7 years old.

So now another person knows. Although just a little. I told him what that rotten picture realy showed. A boy who had just been raped.

We just burned the damn thing, and it makes me feel good. I want to burn my past.

Don't believe there's a thing as nude boy art. There isn't. I should know, I was one of those boys.

seaotter.
 
If a time of pain and destruction trapped in a picture is art...

Probably someone would consider it as that - there are enough whackjobs out there.

Me, I think someone using art to try justify their own sick crap is just another excuse from a diseased mind.
 
seaotter, what can I say? I feel so sad to hear of this event. The original one, and this latest one. I can only hope that your friend meant no harm in showing you the picture.

Burning up the thing is good. Burning up our pasts, as best we can is good. Let the damned ashes spread out so that nothing at all remains, not even a tiny ash.

Maybe, your friend will be supportive of you and your struggles. I can't see how he could do otherwise.

If you have lots of hurt over these next few days, please come here and vent all you need to. We will be here, and we will be with you.

You have broken the silence in a powerful way seaotter. I really hope that in some small way, that can be liberating for you, and healing.

Peace to you brother--we understand.

Bob
 
Seaotter

a ceremonial burn is a great event.

After I started therapy I came across a baseball cap that I hadn't worn since the last time I acted out. I remember wearing it because I'd had to take it off.

I liked the cap, it was a nice present from a friend, but I couldn't wear it again - too many memories.

So I burned it, just sitting and watching the flames and crying.

I did feel better for that, a whole lot better.

Dave
 
I'm just glad you were able to burn it.. just so you could take back more of the power.. and release some of the anger.. That does sound very healing but I'm sure it was not easy to deal with either...

It makes me sad when I see our world focus on issues that have little impact on the future of this world... and for that I mean... if the world began to love each and every child (not some of the children), and truly loved each and every child,,, than and maybe only than would we find peace throughout the world... but I digress..

Don
 
Thanks guys, for being there.

I write a longer responce in the next few days, for you have given me somethings to think about allright.

Seaotter.
 
To all of you who have responded,

2 days ago I just had to share my anger, which actually worked to some extent.

I have, however, told only a bit of my story, for I was too confused to write it down properly.

I'll try,

I always knew this would happen one day, for a number of very simple reasons. First of all, many hundreds of pictures were taken of me, over a period of 12 years. Some of these have found their way onto the Internet. I know of a few, a very long story in itself, but the purpetrator actually bothered to send me a letter, telling me he had done so. I was 23 at the time. The pictures he referred to show me age 12 up to 17. As you can imagine, a person doesn't change that much in 11 years, at least I didn't.
My face hasn't changed all that much, heck, I still don't look my age, most people think I am 18 or 19.

But that sick bastard thought it was a good laugh, the letter also stated he meant no harm in it, but wanted others to see what a cute boy I was.
He also said something about the "good" times we had.

As a result, I was totally "off" this world for several weeks, Thank God, I had recently broken my leg falling off a horse, so I had realy no trouble hiding it to the outside world. I spent these weeks seriously thinking of killing myself. As usual, I drank it all away.

I burned his letter, something I am rather good at, I guess.

About 6 months later I reiceived another letter from that same bastard, he threatened to publish my name, adress and phone number along with the pictures, along with some obcene language and "price info" He basically threatened to portray me as a prostitute.
He wanted to see me, and I went along with it.
I actually didn't care anymore, besides I knew he would pay for it and I needed the cash pretty bad.
I hated myself, becomming more and more convinced that I indeed deserved nothing better. I had always told myself I would never let it happen again, but now, at the first threat, I submitted again.
It lasted for several months, then he stopped coming. I later found out he'd suffered a heart-attack.
I was free again.

But I cannot stop fearing the day this might happen again.

2 days ago, my fears resurfaced, for there are more of those bastards like him out there.

I cannot help feeling "hunted"

This is only a fragment of it all, the rest I cannot write down here. It would be too much for now anyways.

Seaotter
 
seaotter this seems to have many many layers and is frightening just to read about this. Do you have a therapist at this time. It seems like another bombshell is likely. Have you ever talked to a lawyer about this? It seems like such a nightmare from childhood that isn't ending. Surely something can be done ( or am I being too naive here?). I expect I would emotionally disconnect too if it were happening to me.
 
sorry about last nite in the chat room and my leaving , i had no idea what you're facing. strength to face ongoing abusive crap can come from exposure of your truths; safety from the brotherhood of male suvivors here.
 
Seaotter
It's a horrible thing that the effects follow us, haunt us, into adulthood.
I cant imagine how bad it must be when the bastards come back again just to rub it in.

If there is evidence, and it seems you might have some, then the law is on your side. But it's a brave move that only you can make.

I've seen and experienced the liberal Dutch laws in Amsterdam where sex is a tourist attraction. But there's always going to be a dark side to places like that.
When I've been there I've often wondered if all the girls and men 'trading' have made a career choice and do it willingly. Somehow I doubt it.

Stick with therapy, it does help to make sense of our crazy pasts. And I hope we help as well.

Dave
 
What were the chances pf him finding that at a flea market!

Well I hoped that it helped to burn it.
And that one more person will help your journey.

The friend I mean

MJ
 
Hej Guys,

after reading your responces, I have some thoughts on the subject I realy would like to share with you. I know all the advice is well meant, but:

I'am not in therapy.
I won't be having any either.
I will not waste my time seeking convictions that merely constitute further insult.
The Dutch laws? a joke. girls and men AND BOYS are overwhelmingly not voluntarily "working" the streets. Not anywhere.
Great CD Don.
I'll stick to cute hairy critters that love fish.
Don't feel sorry about anything, PLEASE.
I am still here, doing nice stuff.
You'll be amazed what one can find on a flea market.
Don't expect me to have faith in any system, it has only failed me time and again for the better part of my life. It was not the failing of the system, to a large extent, it was the system.
Yes, policemen, a judge, politicians, lawyers, doctors, child protection agency, teatchers and a therapist. Most people looked away, very many used me, but only very few actually cared.
their scores look pretty bad to me.

They better start to shut the bloody hell up, because I ain't listening no more.

through the years I have found a way, to be myself in the midst of all this shit. I realize that it isn't perfect, but then again, what is?
About a greaty many things I really don't care anymore.
Other stuff becomes more important, and I met some nice folks here. Thats what counts. I have always managed to pull through, and I have no intentions of quitting now.

to all, be well and stay well.

Seaotter (cute, hairy, loves seafood, is smart and somewhat endangered) exept the hairy bit, rather similar to me, and doubtless, many others.

Okay, that was the totally unimportant self-glorification bit. Seriously, I am fine. I just have to get some anger and stuff of my chest.

This happens to be the best place I know to do it.
 
Hi seaotter,

The past several months, especially, have been very difficult for you. Yet, you appear to me to be a strong, determined young man.

Can I just say a couple of thing to you, brother to brother?

This is a good safe place to vent or whatever.

Since you seem hunted I encourage you to NOT give too much info that could help someone locate you.


You seem to already know that you are not a piece of meat for rent. Having a healthy self-confidence is important. Knowing your dignity is very important.

Did this pervert die from his heart attack?

If not, has it changed him at all? Could you get the url of the places where you photos are? I believe you could get them off if you know where they are, if that would help you at all.

I am an emotional guy. It breaks my heart to think of you the kid being so exploited. But you sound strong to me now. You say that you have good friends. That is really a precious gift. Keep close to the friends you can trust.

If anyone ever approaches you today you know that you can reject them with vigor.

You do sound pretty cynical to me friend. I do understnad that. But there are good people who really do want to stop this crap from harming other kids. You can find decent people to help you when you need it. You can find them right here.

Take care now. I don't know how you put the pictures of you out of your active miind--but if you can I think it would be healthhy to do so.

Bob
 
The title of your post reminded me of a book I had
read several years ago titled, The Bad Popes.
In it was a story of one pope who was aparently a
pedophile who had parties where nude boys were
placed around the room. No much more was written
about it other than by implication by the
chronicler. Your post and the headlines keep
reminding me how there is little new under the sun.
It also reminds me of our bad history when it comes
to how we have always exploited children, male and female.
 
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