there are days...

there are days...
S

sweet-n-sour

Registrant
There are days when the sky is clouded overcast with storm. There are days when husband is cold and distant...those days may trickle into months then cluster into years. During those times, holding onto a precious memory from years past, of better days is what I grasp at to pull me through. The birth of our babies, the camping trip we took just after we married and a downpour streamed into the tent...and we laughed, oh did we laugh! Husband is a survivor and you know what? Eventually he will pull out of this and once he does, we will all be the better for his journey.
No, thus far life has not been easy. There are moments that I could surrender and walk away...but no, I will keep my footing in a determined stance. I am here working to be a better person and waiting for him to join me once again. I am open for positive change and willing to reinvent, to grow as well.
With every day that passes there seems to be a glimmer of hope in the distance. It may be experienced in tiniest of steps, but if you count the steps in the span of a month or a year, they are monumental.
I'm looking for a happy ending in the story of us. I refuse to allow a pathetic abuser to steal away the verve from our lives. We deserve the best that we can imagine ourselves having. That is why I am forwarding all of our pain and suffering to one the person responsible. I hold the abuser accountable for what he did and he can have every morsel of despair that he's caused...I send it back to him multiplied by ten! I do this within my mind but for some reason the weight is less in my heart. I feel free to focus on what truly matters...the appreciation of today and the possibility of a better tomorrow.
s-n-s
 
Somedays this forum inspires me, today is one of those days.

Your husband is one lucky guy.

Dave
 
Dave:
Thank you for your kind words. It is often difficult to place one's heart out there on a platter for the world to view.
I'm trying to look for the positives in life and to grow from the experience. Your words are definitely positives in life...thank you. Just so you know, I believe that I am the lucky one for spending the past 20 years with husband. I'd live it all again "as is" without hesitation.
s-n-s
 
sns, what a great post. Thanks for inspiring me today. It seems so much of this is all about perspective: able to see behind and beyond this....able to stand outside of it and look in, instead of only inside of it where it is difficult to see out of, able to see the bigger world beyond this....it's like a breath of fresh air!

I can tell I myself have already grown and changed for the better from being in therapy....my husband used to tell me I wasn't approachable...well, I thought he meant b/c I wore too much hairspray or makeup or something - I thought he meant in a physical way for some reason - and I realized only yesterday that it was b/c he put me up on a pedestal and saw me as a white lily thing that he could *never* share the ugly or hard stuff with, and I realize I helped him put me there by me being judgmental of people, only because that is all I've ever know, my OWN perspective of things. Once I learned about all the csa effects, etc., and went to therapy and learned about myself and realized I could step outside of my old perspectives, I could grow and learn of a much bigger world than the only one I knew, and I think it could be inspiring to my husband as well to see that I have been able to become a better person for therapy. And I owe that to him!!! Imagine that, a positive thing that has come of this, definitely, I like myself more, I am more accepting/less judgmental of people BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THEIR PERSONAL CIRCUMSTANCES, I feel more love for all of mankind. And one day soon I will tell my husband thank you for this.
 
Trish:
Thanks for the thanks!
s-n-s
 
Dear Brokenhearted:
You are so right about perspective. Often times when life seems to be at it's worst, it is just a matter of perspective...and how we view the worst. For me, I'm trying to focus on the positive. Growing from this and becoming a better person is what it is all about.

My husband was abused as a boy, this is a fact...but it also made him the man that I fell deeply in love with...the man he is today. Aside from a few flaws, (yes we all have flaws) he is a keeper.

I would really like to hear any story you might wish to share that keeps you going during the not so easy portions of your survivor's healing.
For me I have many years of positive to get me through. There was one time about fourteen years ago, my H took up tennis just because it pleased me. You know what? He wasn't half bad at it and the memory is something that I will always treasure! It wasn't so much the tennis, it was him going out of his way just because he knew it would make me happy.

Thanks for your reply Brokenhearted! Thanks for sharing how you are learning and growing as well!
s-n-s
 
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