therapy was cool!
hey i made it! i went to the therapist today ,why is it that something that scares us so bad is usually not as bad as we imagined it would be ? in just the time i was there i could see this was one smart lady ,we didn't talk about details of my abuse ,whew! she could tell things about me as soon as i walked in the room ,there were three chairs ,one in the middle of the room ,one against the wall ,and one in the corner ,she told me to choose the chair where i felt the most comfortable .so i sat in the corner ,something i learned from my abuser and in the many detention places i lived in . if i sit in the corner then i am protected on three sides anyone who came after me had to come straight at me ,no sucker punches, if they were comming after me it at least gave me a fighting chance if i saw them comming .i never counciously though about doing it for protection it just became second nature ,just from where i sat she could tell that i have problems with trusting ,and that my guard was up ,she said i been living in protection mode for many years .closed off from the world ,i told her that this site has helped me be less afraid but old habits die hard .the funny part is we spent most of the time talking about my dad ,not my abuse .she helped me see that what my dad did bothers me even more than what my abuser did !i won't bore you with all the details but thanks so much for helping me make the biggest move in my life. i came here and talked ,i went to therapy and was able to talk two big steps forward for me thanks to all of you .her being a women worried me but when i think about it there was no way i could have gone to a male therapist ,can't handle older male authority figures at all .having a man in charge would have just pushed me further inside .i would have done or said whatever i thought he wanted to hear .one problem though SHE GAVE ME HOMEWORK!! my assignment was to write a letter to my dad telling him whatever feelings were inside me concerning him .i wrote it but i don't know if it is the right things to say ,if i post it could someone tell me if it sounds ok? thanks to all of you for helping me learn to help myself shadow
