Therapy v Helping Others - might trigger

Therapy v Helping Others - might trigger
R

RICK57

Registrant
Hello again to everyone that visits this site. I think that I first came here on 31/12/03 - I was quite desperate at the time and quite close to not making it to 2004. I started off by reading postings from others here & was shocked to find that I was 'not the only one'. I cannot find the words to describe how much this site has helped me.

I am having Therapy at last (34 years too late - hope some of you are not sick of me typing that)where I am eliminating some of my ghosts (big one coming up this Monday, I have to write a letter telling my abuser what I think of him and what he did - I am going to try and do this without swearing...will be ******* difficult). I am trying to be positive and I think I have given good responses to other postings on this site tonight and I feel so much better when I can help someone else - does anyone else get this payback? It seems easier to help someone else than to help yourself.

I think I am just getting too concerned about typing this letter to that ******* *******, that I don't know how I'm going to feel when I've done it.. I feel like ***** now, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out... it's like pain / joy and release all in one. Don;t woory I'm just a bag of emotions and I know when I've typed the thing up I'll feel so much bettter afterwards.

THanks...Rik
 
Sorry - but with the Jackson thing, we recently had the Soham (I think that's the corrrect spelling) murders and there's loads of other paedophiles all over the media it's getting to me when all I want to do uis type it up and get it out of my head .... it's everwhere!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was first triggered big style, it was a couple of years ago when certain bastards were being let out of prison and back into general circulation. They had to sign some sort of register but the bastards were laughing at us... we could do ***** all about it
 
Rick, you've been a huge help for me. I want to thank you for that directly....

I also feel like it's easier to talk someone else through their issues rather than deal with my own. But i think that this is important, because we see and hear ourselves respond to others over and over. I know that after I post a reply, I read it over and over..... Then I realize, that what I've been saying is actually pretty sound advice. This will eventually come to help us as we stumble through life.

If we all keep reading and responding to others in need, we will all reap the rewards. Once again, thanks for being a brother that I can bounce my issues off every now and then.

Shawn
 
From my abuse I had a big sense of wrong and right and a strong sense of when someone has wronged me. Now that I am older and even in my younger years I had so much anger that id tear someone apart at school in the 4th grade just for calling me a jerk or somthing meaningless. Now that being said. when I was 10 they tryed to get me "closure" by me seeing him in prison and I kid you not I stold my dads 9mm from his truck..and in my 10 year old mind..thought id hide it from sucurity and shoot this peice of shit. I remeber why I hated him at such a young age..it was because my acting out with out kids my age later well lets say..i wasn't to sneaky and it landed me in court having to explain the intimate details of every encounter with my neigher who was a willing participant in my stupid acting..his parents freakd and I had to tella court full of ppl what we did for a hour and half. at 10 that was the probably u know..then end of the world I was so embarrised that when I heard about them watning me to see him and they told me I could say anything I want..swear scream anything..and I tryed to bring a hand gun to shoot him lol..I was quickly stoped at the security check point *not in a 10 year olds mind* and my dad freaked...and I never got to meet him because I was told I had to leave for my attempt with the firearm. so now they wont tell me where my perp lives for fear of what I will do to him. which is part of my demons. the thigns I can imagine and am capable of doing to ppl if I imagine they are him are unspeakable. But thought id just spill more of my guts..sorry if its not on topic with the thread the "closure" thing just kinda sparked me.
 
Shawn - it's good that we can help each other (your response has helped me) - last night was a crap night and I lost it for a while. As I've posted elsewhere on the site, there's just too much of this stuff in the media; at a time I'm trying to resolve my own issues both on paper and in my head. I'm going to type the letter to 'The Person that Abused ME' (I used to call him my Perv, like he belonged to me) around 17:00 UK time Sunday - this will be used in my therapy session on Monday morning 09:00 to 10:00ish. I may even post it here when I feel ready.

I expect that this will be as benificial as when I wrote a letter to my Inner Child of 12 years old at the same time last week, to forgive him for what happened at that age (I had always blamed him)- I typed four pages in point 10 font. My therapist was visually moved when She read what I had written. I was elated after the session - such a feeling of calm that I barely remembered experiencing before.

I think that sometimes I am just trying to recover too quickly - that's because I now know (and believe) that I did nothing wrong 34 years ago - I just want to be who I should have been, but that's also a bit like denying who I am! Does that sound crazy?

Thanks again.... Rik

Keith - I suppose the 86 bit in your log in is the year that you were born as 57 is in mine.... please correct me if I'm wrong.

You're not off topic at all - if anything you're validating some of the feelings that I have, and that I want to type in my letter. I am aiming to get a percentage of closure through the letter, and don't have the opportunity to pick up a gun that would perhaps get vengance for me, but would not give me the answers I want.

One of the things I have never been able to do is show real hate for anyone other than myself. I am now just starting to manage to direct that hate in the right direction, and want to show it in the letter. What I don't want to be is consumed by an overwhelming need for revenge that I forget that I am really seeking healing.

I hope that we can both achieve closure in a positive way - that will make us the winners, people who live, not just survive. If you could let me have some of your ability to hate, you can have a share of whatever of my qualities you need....we may just get there!! I wish 10 year old Keith had been around to advise 12 year old Rik.

Thanks Keith

*Sorry if I triggered anyone last night - I was having a crap night but am bouncing back again now... Thanks again ...Rik
 
Shawn / Keith - thanks for your help. I've now managed to bring forward my letter writing and it's really helped. It has took the part of a converstaion between myself and my inner child again. I am attaching the two main parts below (the whole thing is about 5 pages) - if you are likely to be triggered at all, don't read any further.

AD is myself now, IC is my inner child!

AD OK then. To the perv.what made you decide that I was a good investment for your fantasies? What made you choose me over the other options that you may have had? Why did you need to pick on anyone at all? Why if you had a preference for the same sex did you not pick adults that could understand what you wanted to do, adults that had frames of reference and could say yes or no because they had the relevant points of reference that would allow them to make a substantiated decision. Did you think that I was older than I was because I had that deep voice that I have now. Did you think that I was older than I was because I was bigger than most of the kids that were in the fifth and sixth years even though I was just into the second year? Did you think it was OK to abuse school kids anyway? Did you realise that I was wearing school uniform when you met me and started the grooming process, which meant that I was a minimum of 3 years under the age of consent at that time in reality, I was actually 9 years under the age of consent! Did you use the same method of grooming other kids before and after me? How many were there in total? Why did you call me a shark, pretending that I was something fantastic and better than other kids? Why did you indicate that I would be a better man sooner than other kids? Why did you tell me that I would have a fantastic family with lovely kids and a nice home because of what you were doing? Why did you persuade me to take my dog for a walk, then leave it at home before meeting you? Why did you tell me that everyone did those things? Why did you tell me that they did those things but did not talk about them? What were you doing when my face was covered up? What happened to you to make you want to do these things? If someone had done these things to you, why the hell would you inflict it on someone else? Why did you manipulate me so much that you made me think that all of this was my idea when in reality it was obviously something that you planned over quite a period of time?

IC thats a lot of questions, and you have got me really frightened you sound as though youre angry again and last time you were angry you blamed me, you blamed me again and then you just kept on blaming me until you couldnt blame me any more!

Thats the main part where I accuse the abuser, I now go on to tell him what I have lost.

IC dont know what to say.

AD well this is what he has done:

He made us loose our confidence, so that we always thought we should please others. At the same time he killed that trust that we used to have of others. He made us very wary of any new person that tried to get to know us. He stopped us from being the type of student that easily achieved and turned us into someone who scraped by just so that no one would single them out as being exceptional. He changed us from being the most talkative person in the room to someone that had to be forced into conversation. He killed our constant quest for new knowledge. He destroyed that trust that we had for all adults. He introduced us to the world of utter confusion that we had never known before. He lied and lied and lied and lied to infinity. He made us realise that there were pure and absolute bastards out there that were only concerned about their own pleasure, regardless of the cost to others! He made us doubt everyone else that we had trusted in the past / in that time, that was then the present and anyone who wished to know us in the future! He made me wary of a friend placing an arm around my shoulder in a way that friends do, because I could only relate it to what he did and could not take it for mere friendship. He made me physically remove those arms from my person when anyone attempted that contact. He made me a cold person with impenetrable barriers around my heart! He put us into a scenario whereby eventually we did not wish to attempt relationships because we only ever got used. Yes we did have some, but we picked the wrong ones I dont know if thats going to be chapter 3/4/5 or whatever yet, but well get to that one.

IC and what do you do now.

AD Im a Shift Supervisor for an Electronics Company.

IC how did you manage that?

AD I didnt, we did!
 
Hey there, Mr. Rik:

You are remarkable. I mean that.

That letter? The communication between AD and IC? I appreciate it. It strikes so many chords with me.

Sooooo... I have been wrestling with the same question you wanted to ask -- "Am I trying to heal too quickly?"

I mean, in lots of ways, I feel like it can't happen fast enough... life (for me, school) isn't exactly waiting around, and I should LIKE to have a perfect sex life with my wife, and any time I could quit having these unforeseen crying jags would be FINE, thanks very much.

And yet, on some level we have to know that it is a process. I think that we started dealing with our demons at about the same time, Rik. Within a few months, anyway. It sounds like you have a good counselor... what a blessing, huh? Mine is great, too. He tells me that I am making excellent progress, and frankly, I guess I just have to believe him because it sounds better than the alternative.

But it seems SO awfully slow. Even if it isn't.

Thanks for all your terrific postings, and thanks for hanging in there when it is hard.

You have a friend in New England.

Kurt
 
Rik:

"He stopped us from being the type of student that easily achieved and turned us into someone who scraped by just so that no one would single them out as being exceptional. He changed us from being the most talkative person in the room to someone that had to be forced into conversation. He killed our constant quest for new knowledge."

I read this and nearly threw up. Seriously... nausea. Is this what I am doing in school now, subconsciously?

It is such a complete shock to read what other men write and see myself in it. I have felt alone in this for so long that I guess I assumed I was in it by myself.

OK, now to bed.

LIKE, I will get any sleep.

Kurt
 
Rik and all the others.

The way that you are helping each other is truly amazing. I can only add that it does get easier and there will come a time when you will lead the life you should have for all those damned years. To experience life and just not pass through it is a terrific experience.


One thimg that I have found that helped me immensly is that I really started to deal with the face in the mirror. This can relate to your letter Rik to the little you. I have learned several things in the past year.

1. To realize that what happened and all the other things since did really happen.

2. I have learned to forgive myself for how I coped and where it lead me.

3. I have learned to transfer my anger to my perps and to a so called councillor so many years ago.

4. I have learned to forgive myself for wasting so much of my life trying to pretend that it was no big deal.

5. I have learned to appreciate the face in the mirror for who he is and not what he was.

6. I have learned to accept that person with all his warts and kind of like him. I mean who does not have personality warts.

7. I have learned to realize that others just might feel the same way. That has helped me break down the walls of my self constructed prison.

8. Most of all I have learned that life is a wonderful experience and friendships are to be valued.

I am 63 now and my abuse occured at 16 with an isolated incident when I was a small child. MaleSurvivor and all of you here have been the most important part of this journey and I cannot begin to thank everyone for what I have been given.

I am proud to be a member of MaleSurvivor and will do everything in my power to help others and to help MaleSurvivor become a strong voice not only for all of us here but unfortunately for those who have yet to find us and for others who are currently experiencing the horror of abuse.
 
Hello to Roland, Kurt and Mikey sorry that I haven't responded sooner (I have been away to Prague for 3 days - see postings in Friends/Partners...visited that part of the site fist to extend some comments I made previously). *I had a bloody good time in Prague and I deserved it! *I now have some of my sense of humour back!

I am pleased that I have been able to help with my postings where I speak to the abuser (need to stop calling him 'my' - sounds like a possesion when he should be thrown out with the trash) and my inner child. It was one of the best things I ever did. I was dubious about cutting/pasting the main points here because it was a bit like pasting part of my soul into cyberspace. I am now very pleased that I did that - none of us are alone here and those that post help far more people than they think.

? Look at the number of recent visitors / visitors that do not comment - I believe that a lot of anonymous people here gain support.

Talking about this stuff helps!

Roland - have a go at writing those letters...when I started typing, mini-me took over and I can swear that he can type quicker than I can (I manage 60 words a minute ... if ...and ...but) and computers weren't even around in 69 (well not for the general public anyway - that was mini-me's last year). It might be difficult at first but you'll be surprised - its really helped me to forgive myself and apportion the blame where it belonged. It also helped me to start and get some additional support from people that I suspected were good friends (they actually are, and I now believe that). *You don't have to show those letters to anyone else, you can type them, read them & read them again and then burn them (careful with the fire, the fire brigade aren't too happy about being called out to careless fires).

See the comments in Friends /Partners on What You Can Gain from Therapy (not exact title but close - you might need half an hour to read it, as I can go on a bit....like I care).

Kurt - don't worry about the crying jags - I was frozen for 34 years - when I finally let the first tears out ( the abuse / everyone that had died in that time frame / loss of jobs and other stuff that I had no control over)it was such a bloody relief that I could actually do it - I thought that I was stone cold. Feel good about it - it's a pressure release. Forget about all that stuff that says men don't cry... real men do! *One of my mates that cannot talk about the abuse (cannot cope with the fact that I was hurt & nearly destroyed or that anyone else may be hurt in a similar way) sent me a text when I went back to the hotel early in Prague this week, stating that I was still a legend and that he loved me... this was appreciated, although it made me laugh because he is as hard as nails...showed him the text next day & he laughed & said OK but don't show the lads. His wife would really take the **** out of him if I showed her, but if a tough cookie can show concern, then there is hope for us all!

I never expect the hurt / pain to leave me completely... at least now I know what my enemy is and can recognise it! That armours me with the abiltiy to start dealing with it and winning!

Mikey - I've seen a lot of your positive responses and am really glad that you are a Moderator here. Sometimes I think that I am right on top of things and don't need to come here so much - I know that's bullshit, and that by coming here I will continue my recovery (you might see some postings in the future where I am negative, I am human). Even if I do find the Earthbound (very much alive ) Land of Milk and Honey, I believe that I will still come here to support others - I will owe that much!

Best wishes and a smile ...Rik
 
I am not sure what it is you are asking, or even saying here. I guess my brain is not working best right now either. I am having some anger now, about how many of us there are, and how easily so many of them get away with what they do. But I am wordless and helpless when it comes to trying to change that, to stop someone from doing that to another, because I have not spoken up. I'm sorry.

leosha
 
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