Therapy update

[MM]

I havent been posted here for a while, things were so crazy last days, and I had no idea what to say. Ive been doing therapy, I had 3 sessions so far and I can say now that Im feeling a little better about it. My therapist works only with SA and has a lot of experience with male survivors. He seems to be very good but it was and still is something really difficult to me. Some days I feel great, almost like a normal man, and then the next day I feel like shit, and barely can get out of my bed and feel so depressed. I cant go on like that; I want to have a good life with her.

My fist day was the worst one, and I hardly listened what he was saying to me, I was so terrified he could rape me or something like that. Of course, he didnt try anything, but in my mind it seemed something so real he thought that maybe some drugs could help me to sleep, I hadnt slept for almost 2 weeks, and I was so tired I really didnt want to take any pills, but I was walking around like a zombie and I really needed to relax so Ive decided to try it. It helped me a lot, and I feel much better now, but I dont intend to take them everyday. Some days I dont take any and I can sleep quite well, but I still have nightmares.

The last thing I wanted to do was to come back to his office, but I couldnt say to her I was giving up therapy; she really believes its going to help me. I asked her to come with me, and I told him how much uncomfortable I felt when we were alone and we talked about it. I still dont like the idea of staying by myself with him, but I dont think hes going to rape me or something anymore. He said that it can take some time to me to trust him, but also said he can only help me if I let him to. I printed my posts from here and showed them to him, we talked a lot about it. Im thinking about showing my journal to him, itd much easier if I dont have to talk (verbally) about it.

We are not discussing my abuse yet, weve been talking about my life in general and my relationship with her. Last time, when I was leaving his office he asked me why I think having sex is so important to my relationship with her, and I didnt know how to answer that question; I just know I love her and its important! He told me that maybe I think Im not good in anything else, because my father used to say the only thing I was good at it was being fucked and sucking and thatd be the only way to keep her by my side. That really pissed me off, I HATE when people try to connect my relationship with her and my abuse, they are two completely different things, and they are NOT related at all. I was so mad, but he told me to think about it and well discuss it next session. It makes me very angry to think that Im letting the abuse interfere in my relationship with her.

He asked what I really thought about her and our relationship. Ive told him she was too good for me and she deserved better. He said that saying that was like saying she couldnt decide for herself. He told me its not she is stupid or crazy; she has a very good job and can make it on her own. We went over all this and I finally had to admit she loved me. I mean, I always knew that, but it was the first time I REALLY believed it, I really understood it. We went over all the great things about her, and he told me to think why she chose ME to share her life with, that there must be something special about me too if she chose me out of all the guys out there. I didnt know what to say to him, but I was feeling a little bit better about myself, a little proud of myself. It was really strange; I still dont understand exactly what has happened

And you know what? Last night Ive got a call from my mom, I still dont believe she had the nerve to call me after everything! It seems my father has something really wrong in his liver (because the alcohol) and the only chance he has to continue to live is some kind of transplant, so the doctors want me to go there and make some tests to see if Im compatible. Hell no! I didnt even let her finish what she was talking, just hang up the phone and asked the phone company to change my number. I still cant believe she called me; it was like NOTHING happened at all! How can that be? That made me really mad, they are so evil, and they deserve to die already. I hope they both have a very painful death, after that I know theyll go straight to hell. I was going so well, and now I cant sleep again because of them and have to take pills. I hate them so much! I won't waste my time at all discussing that with my therapist, I don't have any "issues" with that, I'm not going and that's it. She was really a bitch calling me, I still don't believe it.

Sometimes I think Im doing the right thing and therapy is going to help me, other days I feel like Im doing that just because is what everybody expects me to do. I dont know what to think about it yet, I know Ive pm some of you and ranted a lot about therapy and such things, but Im really not sure how I feel about it. My doc told me its important to try to understand and work out my issues by myself, but whats wrong with involving her in this process and having her to help me? Our lives are so wrapped up together, and nobody knows me better. I know this has been especially difficult for her, most of times Im too way demanding and needy, but she always knows what to say to me, even when shes sick or tired she always has time to listen to me. With her help I believe I have a chance to get better sooner.

Thanks to everybody.

Mark

 

[Sans Logos]

Mark,

It is so important that you stay connected with us on a more regular basis ortherwise you'll be dancing with all the ghosts alone in your head, and no good will come of that.

I don't care even if you feel you are writing depressing stuff all the time, enough of us are in a good enough mood on any given day to absorb or deflect the negativity.

Please think of us as your family obligation. Come over, call, have dinner etc, more often, even if it is painful to do so, do it anyway because you need it and WE need you.

Sincerely,

Ron

 

[outis]

Mark,

It's good to hear that you're sticking with therapy. Do you see how far you've come already? You're taking the medicines, on your own schedule. You can recognize why a beautiful person like Eve chooses you. You're probably beginning to realize that the horrible examples of relationships that you had with your parents actually do color the way you see all relationships. You feel "proud of yourself."

The news from your parents must be tough to deal with. I'm sorry that you have this additional burden now. You owe them nothing. You owe yourself a chance at a healthy life.

There's nothing wrong with involving Eve in the process, as long as both of you remember what process it is. It's your recovery process, not Eve's chance to fix you, heal you, change you. It's not her recovery. It will make demands on her as she accompanies you on this journey, but she chooses to do that. And now you can recognize why she chooses it.

I hope you do come and post more often. Reading your post today helped me with some of the insecurity I've felt lately about my own relationship with my wife. I posted about it here earlier this week. So, I have a selfish reason to want to see more of your posts. You help me.

You've set the tone for a good weekend with your post. Thanks for that.

Joe

 

[Lloydy]

Mark
today I was wondering how you were, we hadn't heard from you for a few days.
And here you are, full of hope and fears. Mark, so many of us have gone down this road - trust us, we know how you feel. And if we tell you it's worth it, then try to believe us.

Your therapist sounds like a good one, he doesn't bullshit you, and it will take a while for you to trust him totally. But it will come, once you have learnt to trust yourself. And you seem to be getting the hang of that.

Eve is involved with your recovery, just because she's the love of your life and the person who shares your thoughts when you go home after therapy. The talks Linda and I had after my therapy sessions were so powerful and emotional. They carried me on to the next session.
We still talk, and tonight we've had a very frank and emotional talk. I learned a lot, and I hope I continue to do so for a long time.

Mark, I'm so proud of you. I know how hard the last few weeks have been for you.
Thank you for making the effort, because every survivor that does make the effort means the abusers haven't beaten us.

Dave

 

[Mike Church]

Mark: I knew you could do it. Your T sounds like he is in tune with you. Yeh he pissed you off but he also made you think and that was a real breakthrough.

Hey the road is rough but it is the only road. Stick close to us ok.