therapy today

therapy today
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shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
well my second trip to therapy ,was ok i guess . she says i need to grieve my brothers death ,because i blocked it all out when it happened i never got to grieve for him ,but the more i try to cope with it the more guilty i feel so i don't agree that i should keep thinking about it .we talked about how i feel about my dad but i don't blame him for wanting me gone from his life ,she says whatever his reasons were it was not right for him to blame me for my brothers death .i wrote another letter to him telling him i understand why he hated me so bad ,she said that wasn;t a good idea ,that i'm taking the blame for what he did to me ,the last thing we talked about is this site and how the people here have saved my life ,she wants me to take more credit for being able to deal with all that has happened to me recently ,this is one area where we disagree bigtime ,i know that with out this site and all the people here i would not have made it this far ,i would have done something stupid to myself .this site has become the family i never had .what that means to me she can never understand,i don't think even those here fully understand what they have done for me.this site has given me something i have never had before at least not that i can remember ,if this place was created to save even one person then it is a great success ,even when i didn't want to be saved a few lines here help me see it is worth all the pain in my past and all the pain i know is still to come . she thinks i am becoming to dependant on the site instead of dealing with things myself ,what the hell is wrong with depending on my new family ? as my post show i go from one extreme to the other almost daily one thing in my life is constant what i find here ,she says i need more face to face contact like a girlfriend ,yeah i'll just run right out and grab one .the therapist can tell me many things but i won't listen if it means spending less time here ,i don't know if she can help me ,but i do know how this site helps me .i'm sticking with what i know helps .i'll tell you all that before i found you suicide was one of my options ,gotta be truthfull i never mentioned it here but it was in my mind ,you stopped that ,i know now if i did something like that there are people who would be hurt by it and that is enough to throw out that option .thanks to every person who has posted here ,not just posted to me but just posted anything each post i read is like finding a new friend . shadow
 
Shadowkid - I was also at my lowest point ever when I first came here 2 years ago. There is nearly always someone here to offer support without judgement.

What I really appreciate and respect about this site, is that no one ever tells you what to do. They give you advice / options and the benefit of their experiences - ultimately we take what we need from the information given! That's why it works!

Yes it's like a big family here, if one brother is not available to help, you can be sure another one will come along soon!

Do what is best for you,... you are what is important.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Shadow,

You've said a mouthfull in that post. And I have several reactions.

1st is the fact that I wish you were able to see what we see in you. We see a great guy, a friendly guy, and a courageous guy who is hurting right now about some very devastating things that happened in his life. We understand that because we too have experienced devastating stuff. The guy we see is a guy we really like, and not just because we feel sorry for him.

2nd I see someone who, bucause of all the sh*t that came his way, has trouble believing in himself. That too we understand, because all of us have been there, and still are to one extent or another. Many years went by in my life when I was just like that, but there were others that did believe in me and in many ways, that is what saved me. We'll believe in you, Adam. We'll believe for you till you are able to do it for yourself. Bargain?

3rd, your T is correct in saying you need to grieve, but it will only happen when you are truly ready for it to and can only happen at a pace where you are able to process all that is happening. It could take a considerable amount of time for all the pieces to come together. One of her jobs is to help you through that process. I would encourage you to keep on track with her and see what happens. I've been in Therapy for 2 years now and am still working on some of these things myself.

4th, I see a guy who is hanging on for all he's worth to the friends and the safety he does have, and that is very OK. Your T may be correct in saying you need face to face, and you need a girlfriend, but you can only absorb so much at one time. Those things, too, have to come at the proper time. What good would it do to get yourself a girl friend, for instance, if you do not even understand how to relate? For you that may not be the first thing you need to go out and do. I would seriously question her on some of these things, bringing up some of the points you raise here. Remember, she works for you, not the other way around.

Bottom line Shadow? Yes, you do need to grieve. Yes, you are taking too much blame for the things that happen. Yes, you do need more face to face friendships. All these things must come as you can handle them, friend. Take it slow and easy. Don't let anyone here or in therapy rush you faster than you are able to process everything that's happend, and is happening.

You're one of the good guys, Shadow. You have such passion, and I can tell you have a huge ability to love. I'm hoping you'll be able to find that love within youself, Adam.

Lots of love,

John
 
Well Adam, let me tell you about a friend that I made in high school.

His name was Ray. He was a good person in every respect, except one, he was a product of a bad family that let him be exposed to continual sexual abuse while he was growing. I still don't know every thing about his experience.

Ray killed himself about 1 year ago today, (I had been friends with him for 18 years). He killed himself with a gun after he failed to kill himself with alcohol. (many medical conditions plaugued him whilst he over-drank). He was an offender.

Shortly after his marriage broke up, he molested one of neices. He never forgave himself, even though the court found him not guilty. Many of us, (his friends and family), believed him when he said that he didn't do it. I wasn't so sure. He killed himself because he hated himself.

Ray could have turned his life around instead of choosing the easy way out. He hurt people that cared about him when he did it.

Ray was not as strong as you OBVIOUSLY are. You want to heal the emotional wounds that haunt you and I want to help you too.

I don't know you very well Adam, but you strike me as such a NOBLE person. You are sooooo good in your character. We all see this because a good and noble character is hard to hide, no matter how much of an enemy one can be to himself.

I'm not giving up.

Besides that, I need you around while I go through my world of shit.

Adam, you probably listen to music and movies and do stuff that I have nothing in common with or like, but I love you. I haven't told anybody that ever. Not even my parents.

Abuse in chilhood can have effects that you don't know about, I'm experiencing them right now. I'm doing what I can and have to in order to get better. You will too if you don't give up.

I'm a loser, 36, no girlfriends, poor intpersonal skills, no gainful employment, but I'm gonna try. God Damnit!! I'm gonna try!!!
 
hauser YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!! talking to you and others here has kept me alive! your a brave person being able to say i love you takes guts man ! i wish i could be like you and john and the others ,you see you guys ain't just sitting around feeling sorry for yourselves ,you are finding a way to help me and others ,someday i hope i can give someone the things you guys have given me ,the only reason i know i'm not a looser is because you keep telling me i'm ok . i'll never give up as long as you are still fighting beside me ,yesterday i just wanted to quit ,give up ,take the easy way out ,on a day when most people have a million things to do ,you all took time to talk to me ,to save me .i know i don't have to but i intend to get better so i can do just that for somebody else .you think your a loser ,i would give anything to be like youi have to believe that someday i'll be able to say hey hauser remember when we both thought we were losers who wouldn't ever get better ,just look at us now ,together we can get there ,yeah one extreme to the other yesterday i was ready to die today i am ready to try to live how bout you? john did you tell yourother you love him today? the things you both have shared with me have made me proud that you trust me so much ,i understand how hard it must have been to tell me about your brother and how he got abused ,yet you did it just to help me ,if you care that much then i must be worth something ,i'm starting to believe the things you say you see in me ,i am even starting to believe in god again ,i still have some issues with him ,but only god could have sent you to help me ,there is no other explaination ,god must be so proud of all of you . hauser i'm sorry about your friend ,i believe he didn't do anything ,and he was not weak i can tell you that suicide is one of the options we all have he just chose to end the pain the only way he could . your not a loser damn it ! ok? adam
 
Thank you for your kind words Adam, but he admitted that he did it to a mutual friend some years after he did it.

But Adam, think about US! We didn't cross that line! We never hurt anybody! We are innocent! You are so cool. Too bad I couldn't work with you.
 
I just sent my brother a PM and told him, Adam. Thank-you for that remimder.

One other thing I thought of when I read this last post of yours is that It's OK to have issues with God. I went through a time when I was so angry with God over what happened to me I could have spit nails at him. I think I even might have actually done it a time or two. You know what I learned. I learned that it's Ok with him if we're angry and we question why. There are a number of posts in the "spirituality" forum that speak in some way to this subject. I've got my own experience with God posted there, but you'll have to go back a couple of months into the archive in order to find it. Maybe I can bring it to the top for you.

Thanks Adam for your kind words.

Lots of love,

John
 
Adam,

I think John picks up a key point when he stresses how much you are going through right now. As I have said to you before, it is astonishing how you cope with all this.

Many of us have thought of suicide at one point or another. It's scary to be that low, but what is important now is that you have talked about it. I am so convinced that talking about these things is a hugely important way of breaking their power over us.

I think you are taking a good perspective on the spiritual aspect of all this. It is natural to challenge God when terrible things like this happen, but as John points out, a God who is genuinely loving and caring will not hold that against us. I wonder if you have noticed John's signature line:

I now understand one of God's truths more clearly: Our pain is not wasted when we can reach around and comfort another coming along behind us on the same path.
Click to expand...
All of us have been in your shoes at one time bro. We are now reaching out to you, and already you are reaching out to others. This is, again, a part of healing.

I wonder if it would be a good idea to slow things down with your T. It sounds like you are hitting her with a lot of issues all at once and then picking up on her reactions.

Above all, Adam, try to remember that recovery from abuse is a long-term endeavor. You have to be in it for the long haul. But we are there with you, okay? (((((Adam)))))

Much love,
Larry
 
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