Therapy today sucked (LONG, TRIGGERS!)

Therapy today sucked (LONG, TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
It may have been a necessary sucked, but it sucked.

Dealing with the COA, the old memories, the thoughts put in my head by the @$$holes in my life, is just plain hard. You'd think I know this. You think I would, but I don't. I really don't.

Why is it that I know all the good stuff rationally, but haven't really accepted it in my heart? Oh sure, there are days when I do, and they've become more frequent, but it's just a frigging reminder of how fragile I am. Of how one wrong word, comment, question, news report, what have you, can tear me down.

And I feel guilty for hurting, for being selfish when I NEED to be. I'd like to think that I'm one of the most giving people around, despite being self-centered (Galileo was wrong, the universe revolves around me! :p ), but I look at my posts recently and they've all been about ME and MY problems. I feel guilty about that. When I first came here, I took a little, and then was all gung-ho about helping others.

I was running from myself, plain & simple. And I have to take care of myself equally.

There may be some people here who are disappointed in me for this. They may say to themselves, "what happened to him? It's all about HIM now. What a selfish jerk!"

The people here who matter, my friends, my brothers and sisters who KNOW me, understand. Anyone who doesn't, it doesn't matter. You were never in my corner to begin with if you can't see I need to take care of me first.

What bothers me most is that I let Little Scot talk to my new therapist today. And he's sad and thinks I'm angry at him for not doing more.

As much of the guilt I'm carrying as me, HE'S carrying it one hundred fold. When I'm angry at myself for failing, I'm feeling anger toward the boy who didn't walk away. The child I was knew something was wrong and just kept going back for more. Never mind that circumstances made me feel like I deserved it, and it was the only way to get what I REALLY wanted, love and attention. Never mind that I was manipulated into thinking this SOB loved me. Never mind that later he hurt me, terrorized me, and damn near KILLED me to keep me quiet. It was my fault regardless, and what's more, I know as an adult that he hurt others and anyone after me is on my conscience. This is irrational, but I think it anyway.

I have to forgive myself, but I forgive everyone (a few exceptions) BUT myself. I'm still unworthy of being whole and loved, even by me.

And it's always caused my downward spiral of addiction, overspending, self-destruction, because I need to feel that temporary rush of happines from aquisition, to escape the pain, to control some aspects of the pain. I blame no one but myself for my mistakes, but I understand why I chose one path over the other sometimes better now.

I need to choose to let go. Some days I can. It's a continual struggle for me. I tell others they have to let go, that they have to accept they're okay, despite everything that's happened. I have to live that credo too.

And I have to keep living it, because, at least with me, it doesn't end with each victory. The SOBs are still a part of who and what I am too, and they're with me always. The fight will get easier, but it will be there for a long time.

Each victory, though, each day when I can say, "but damn it, I'm a good person and I am a strong person and I'm going to be the person I want to be," makes it worth the fight.

In the book "The Silence of the Lambs," Hannibal asks Clarice in a letter to her, "Have the lambs finally stopped screaming?" And I think his probe of what she might answer holds true for me and others here. "I wouldn't be surprised if the answer is yes or no. They may have stopped for now, but Clarice, you judge yourself with all the mercy of the scales at Threves. For it is the quest that drives you, and the quest will not end, not ever."

I judge myself that way too. But every day, those scales get tilted a little bit further in my favor.

As long as that keeps happening, that's progress.

I'm sorry I have rambled on as long as I have, and as disjointedly as I have, but I had to share what I saw with someone. The self-centered aspect working its way through again. But maybe it will help people who see it. Maybe people will think its another self-indulgent rant. I don't know.

But I'm allowing myself the license.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot
You're right, Galileo WAS wrong.
You're universe does revolve around you, and that's the way it should be.

I've told my wife, friends and anyone else who cares to listen "I'm a selfish bastard" and I make no apologies.
I'm not selfish in a nasty or uncaring way, I certainly hop not anyway! although I do remember being that way before I started recovery.
I'm selfish in a way that makes my wellbeing a large and important part of the decisions I make, whether they affect just myself or others as well.
For instance, there is a certain place that I wont go to, and it causes my wife great inconvenience.
But I have explained why I dont want to go there, and she either accepts, or puts up with, my decision.

My alternative is to go there, and suffer because of it. My suffering and my wifes inconvenience are hard to equate, which is worse?
I certainly feel bad about inconveniencing her, but I'd feel a damned sight worse if I was angry, edgy, miserable for a whole day or more if I was triggered by going there. Who would I take it out on? my wife is first in the queue.
So on balance my selfish decision begins to make sense.

I 'do for others' what I can spare after looking after myself, which at this point in time is more than I ever expected. But days when I don't post here I'm looking after the most important person in my world - ME!
And I'm the same with my wife, family and friends.
Some nights I barely say a word, and now my wife understands why. So she just carries on regardless knowing that normal service will be resumed shortly.
She describes it as "having the picture but no sound!"

Dave
 
Scot,

You are not at all self-centered. Even while going through so much difficulty yourself, you have been reaching out to me, and to Andrei, and I am sure to others. If people are angry or upset with you for not bending over and helping right now, and giving more then you take, as is usual for you, well, frankly, fuck them. That is their problem, not yours.

I am sorry about the trauma to litle Scot also. I know that there is one, or more, little one inside me who is hurt so much also. And I can not comfort them, just as I can not comfort myself. I feel that you are more able to do that, and that is a sign of your strength.

Please post as much or little as you need. Respond as much or little as you need. Your needs should be first for you. I hope I can help you some, as you have helped me.

Leosha
 
Scot,

Normally you make a lot of sense. But I start to worry about ANYONE who looks to Hannable Lector for words of comfort. That is kind of like reading Nietche for instructions on positive thinking.

Of course you are the center of the universe! That is the great thing about infinity. All points reside in the exact center. It is unique position to which we are all entitled and we dont even have to share.

Coming here, helping people with your personal insights, is very therapeutic. You do plenty for the others here, all of us. When it is your turn to vent you are more than welcome to do so as bitterly and as long as you want. All I ask is short paragraphs. Its so much easier to read that way.

You take care of yourself first.

You are right about one thing for sure. The battle never ends. It only gets easier. Some days the dragons breath fire. Other days they hide in their caves because they know we are fully loaded and on the hunt.

Maybe little Scottie and little Robbie can get together sometime. I play a mean game of Hide n Seek.

Above all else, to thine own self be true.

Aden
 
FYI Aden,

Yes, as a character, Hannibal Lecter is a villain, and a horrible one for that matter, but the way Thomas Harris in the books, and Jonathan Demme in the film based on "Silence," visualized him was as a dangerous lunatic who, still at his core, was a humanitarian.

Yeah, he's crazy, but there's some insight in madness.

Now don't get me started on the Joker in Batman! :D

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot. And I thought the earth was flat and could not revolve. If it did it would slice and dice me.

It is not at all unselfish to look to your needs and wants first. Lets be fair though. You only see what you want to see. I, on the other hand, have seen you reach out with help to others in need many, many times. We all suffer from myopia I think and our eyes are betrayed by the committee of assholes in our brain. What is truly important is that you are here and you are important to yourself and to all of us.


(((((((((((((((SCOT))))))))))))))))))))))0
 
Scot. And I thought the earth was flat and could not revolve. If it did it would slice and dice me.

It is not at all unselfish to look to your needs and wants first. Lets be fair though. You only see what you want to see. I, on the other hand, have seen you reach out with help to others in need many, many times. We all suffer from myopia I think and our eyes are betrayed by the committee of assholes in our brain. What is truly important is that you are here and you are important to yourself and to all of us.


(((((((((((((((SCOT))))))))))))))))))))))0
 
Scot,

If you are using the word humanitarian in the same way the some of my friends use the word vegetarian then guess I can see your point.

Aden
 
Hey Scot,
Good for you for putting your needs first. We all do that or we should. For me, Im getting a lot by reading what other are facing right now. Sometimes it reminds me of what I need to work more on and be more honest about.

You mention dealing with your inner childs anger. And thats so relevant to me right now. I almost feel like I have a personal relationship w/my inner child. And Ive been avoiding him so long its like avoiding an old acquaintance. Hes going to be so angry Im afraid to even let him into my consciousness. I know it sounds bizarre, but Im actually afraid to open up that door at the moment. I gotta get on that.

Anyway, take care and thanks for sharing your experiences.

Dan
 
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