therapy timespan

[SJ]

I know that just as everyone is different, so is their timespan for healing from SA. I have been seeing a T for the past 2-1/2 yrs and feel that I have made some progress, especially with my anxiety problems but the sexual dysfunction has not yet resolved and my wife thinks that I should be 'cured' by now. She can't understand why it is taking so long and why can't I just 'put it behind me and move on' since it happened a long time ago. She also asks me after every session what we talked about and if we addressed the sexual dysfunction and seems to be put off that I didn't make a breakthrough and suddenly become 'cured'. It is making going to therapy a very anxiety producing event for me.
Any thoughts?
-SJ

 

[david(UK)]

You seem to have answered your own question.

Your wife is not being supportive, or even sympathetic; she is not respecting your borders; and she has unrealistic expectations of the therapy.

 

[WalkingSouth]

SJ,

I solved that problem by taking my wife to therapy with me every so often. It helps her understand some of the stuff I'm doing there, as well as allow the T to explain how the question "What did you and the T talk about tonight" can be very intimidating to me.

This may not be the answer for you, but it seems to have worked out for myself. I wish you well with this dilemma.

Lots of love,

John

 

[roadrunner]

SJ,

It sounds like your wife is feeling anxious and is speculating about what your sexual dysfunction really means: i.e. are you gay, is there another woman, do you find her undesirable or unattractive, etc.

What she doesn't seem to understand is that the pace of your recovery is in some ways not really under your control. Sure, you can take therapy seriously, speak honestly, try to deal with heavy issues and so on, but there is no guarantee that your recovery will be "fast-tracked" in this way.

What IS more or less certain is that if she continues to corner and harass you everything will become that much more difficult. She needs to get the idea that recovery isn't about "addressing" an issue in a session, checking it off, and going home happy. She also needs to understand that the emotional devastation that a boy suffers in abuse changes the way he thinks about and relates to many things; these patterns have to be discussed and worked through carefully, and it all takes a long time. A survivor doesn't just "get over it"; he needs to relearn some basic things, then believe in them, and then trust them as a basis for living his life. That's a tall order for someone who learned a long time ago that trust is a stupid idea.

Finally, while it's legitimate for your wife to have her own concerns and interests, when she asserts them in this way she is treating you like a sex object and basically giving her own fears priority over the key concern - your recovery.

I rather like John's idea. Would you be comfortable arranging a session with your T in which her issues are addressed? She could go with you or by herself, and perhaps your T would have some advice on this.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Curtis St. John]

Sounds like my story. One day my wife yells, "You've been working on this for a year now! Why aren't you better yet?"

Five years later we laugh about it now and I constantly use the story to point out that recovery takes its own time and it is perfectly natural for loved ones to a. Not want us to be hurting in the first place b. Want not to have to face the problems and c. they want us not to cause them problems.

The good news is the path is well tread and everything the both of you are feeling is normal. The really good news is if you make it through all this together you will be an even better person then the you your wife fell in love with in the first place.

Hope that helps!

 

[SJ]

I think that you guys have great advice. Thanks for the posts. I tried to tell her to go with me to the T session after she pissed me off by acting as if I wasn't addressing all of the (her) issues during the session when she asked me what we discussed but her response was 'i don't need therapy'. She is beginning to really get on my nerves and I am afraid she will piss me off to the point where I am going to tell her that if she can't accept that this is not something that you can 'just move on and get over it' then she can leave if she wants. I am tired of the abuse, other people and especially my wife making me feel like a freak. What people don't seem to understand is that yes I do have problems like sexual dysfunction, no interest in sex, anxiety and panic attacks, shyness and trust issues but these are surely things that I didn't choose to have when I was placed on this planet. I didn't choose to be abused regularly for 3 years of my childhood. I guess what i am really trying to say is that I don't want to be those things mentioned above and wish I could change overnight to be a 'normal' person but there is something that is still preventing that from happening which is what is so damn frustrating for me.
I do love my wife but she really has no clue what me or any guy affected by CSA has gone through and that really pisses me off. Sorry about the ranting and raving but I am frustrated and pissed right now.
-SJ

 

[relaxingpiano]

SJ,
You may want to let her know that while you welcome open dialog and questions, this topic is difficult. You are working through things and it does take time but you can't accomplish everything overnight. And tell her that it isn't because you think she needs counseling as much as she needs to be able to go and maybe ask questions of your therapist and understand this better.

Not having interest in sex... I still go through that from time to time.

Often times when someone just wants you to get over it quickly means that they want don't want to confront the issues it brings up within their ownselves. In a relationship, the issues tend to join together at times which can create a push pull as you're going through all of this.

Don

 

[ForeverFighting]

I would love to get over it. Sign me up for that program. I was in therapy from 1994 to 2005, and I still make an occasional appointment when things are bad. If we were injured, like stabbed in a parking lot, and we had to have some kind of serious surgery, no one would even question it. If I was caught in a giant lawn mower and lost a leg, nobody would ask, "So what's with the crutches?"

But this--abuse is invisible. It damages our minds, trains our thinking, destroys our trust. They can't see the wound. I often wondered how differently people would act if I had even a scar across my face or something I could point to. "Oh, that, yeah, that was my dad's doing." Gasp. They'd fall over. But no, this invisible thing isn't obvious to them, so it shouldn't be obvious to us either, I guess.

I have a good wife. She was also abused, so she knows. But even so, she didn't want to see me hurt anymore. And from the outside, sometimes it seemed like I was going over the same memories again and again. It seemed to her that I was getting worse instead of better. But I explained to her it's like going in for cancer surgery. Maybe you can't see it, and maybe it seems like the treatments are making me worse, but the truth is I'm getting all that poison out of my body so I can live a more normal life. Every session left me with an emotional gaping hole in my chest, but after talking with a good therapist all those years and finding men here who feel the same things, I'm actually doing well. The dark days are fewer, and I'm finally having a sexual relationship with my wife without all the flashbacks and childlike feelings or fears. Life is better.

This whole thing is terribly hard on our loved ones, too, as they see us suffer. I wish you the best. Things will get better--maybe never perfect, but better. Hang in there. I hope your wife hangs in there, too.