Therapy - Pain (TRIGGERS!)

Therapy - Pain (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Just got back from therapy. Damn, it hurts tonight.

I knew it was going to be rough. Got back more repressed memories of a few years ago when I was cruising for men (anonymous sex - this was before I got the memories of sexual abuse back). I only had two encounters and one of them ended in violent rape.

Now, I know that it's not my fault and I wasn't looking to be raped, but I feel more guilt over this than when I was abused as a child. This time, I was an adult who should've known better than: A. go off with some complete stranger for sex, and B. Tell the aforementioned stranger I had violent sexual fantasies.

Apart from the people here and my therapist, I have no one, NO ONE, I can talk to about this. "Men don't get raped," right? No one in my family and none of my friends would understand. I barely do myself. Now all I can remember is the fear and I feel myself unraveling.

I am very paranoid, because this guy could appear anywhere at any time, and I just remember feeling totally helpless while he forced me to do horrible things. He stuck a real gun in my mouth. He told me he'd kill me and leave me in the woods (what is it with the woods and rapist freaks, anyway?). He made me beg him not to kill me while he raped me.

What can I do? It's as if all the progress I've made has been flushed down the john with this new revelation. And I have no sympathy whatsoever, no one to tell me it's not my fault, that I'm not to blame.

Maybe I am to blame, maybe I did ask for it, but dammit, I didn't ask to be terrorized! :mad: :(

Scot
 
Scot
acting out with strangers is a guilt laden trip in itself, and I still feel worse about that than the abuse.
It's because we believe we're adults when we do it.
Yes, I was 45 years old. I have been educated and loved, I thought I was a fairly smart guy.
So how come I ended up having crappy sex acts with strangers ?

The child part inside my head was stuck at 11yo, that's where my whole concept of sex, power and all the other myriad emotions attached to my abuse were formed. What I learned as I grew into a man only confused all that further.

When I acted out I was out of control, and I KNOW how that sounds like an excuse, but it isn't.
It's fresh enough in my memory to fully realise the actions and thoughts I had were uncontrolable.
I didn't want to be there - did you ?

Think "WHY I DID IT" Scot, not "WHAT I DID"

The answers are different - completly different, figure out "WHY" and "WHAT" matters a whole lot less. "WHY" leads you back even further, back to the bastards that abused you, and led you by the hand to acting out.

Dave
 
rread, ccaan'tt sayty moree tthan it wwaasn'tt yyourr fffauultt.

ssccott
 
Scot

"Men don't get raped," right?
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Well my brother men do get raped and raped and raped. I wish to go we did not but we do. It was not your fault ok. And no you family and friends would not understand. To understand means to experience it. But we know where you are coming from. Hang in there.

And scotty try and calm down ok. We are all here for you.
 
Originally posted by crisispoint:
What can I do? It's as if all the progress I've made has been flushed down the john with this new revelation.
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I have felt this way many, many, many times - whether it is a new memory that throws me for a loop or with my suicide attempt or when I get completely trashed, etc. etc. etc.

But when I start to fear/feel this, my therapist reminds me of how long I used to stay in the "down" section of the roller coaster (her analogy, not mine) and how long it used to take me to get the the higher parts. It doesn't take as long now after a set back as it once did.

It is good to remind yourself that therapy does help gradually, and where it might have taken 7 days to recover from such a revelation, it may only take you 3 this time. And next time it may take 1 day, and then 1 hour.

Dear god, at least that's what we can strive for!
We're here for you.

-Sean
 
I think how easily that could have been me years ago when I was acting out. Once I met up with a stranger for sex, a really stupid thing to do, but like you, at the time I lived for sex. (might have died for it too I guess) We have all done things that we are not very proud of, that we kick ourselves for. Im not sure how a person forgives themselves, and frankly am still struggling with it myself. I guess all I can do is say I understand where you are, and that it wasnt totally in your control at the time. As long as memories are repressed the abuse is still in control, though we dont like to think so. we love to point the finger at ourselves, but in fact our abusers are still the ones in control until we take it back through remembering and recovery.
 
Scotd,

Hey, man, what a post. I can't imagine the pain and hurt that you must have felt, what you feel now.
I also can't imagine what hell your attacker was put through in his life...sticking a gun in your mouth...good lord, you are lucky you were not killed.
What is it that causes us to put ourselves in harms way like that? Is it our attempt to work through the events that led to our being abused, an attempt to have some control?
My heart goes out to you, Scot, as you work through these shitty times.
I read your, "Back Against The Wall," in the poetry section, wondering if you had written some poetry about this; again, you nail it.
Your contributions here have been so helpful for me and the others who read here.
Scotd, peace to you, you do deserve it, it is yours.
Strength and hope, too.

David
 
Scot, part of me wishes to respond here to you, to how you feel of how 'I was an adult, how did it happen'. Because something similar happened to me, several months ago. I think I need to PM it to you though, do not know I can talk of it here so much. Please know I am thinking of you.

Leosha
 
I to felt worse about my acting out which was in the years following the abuse and when I was still a very young person not even supposd to know what sex with other ppl really was yet. I was playing sex related "games" and engaging in random sex acts with neighborhood friends..random kids my age..older..younger and it stil haunts me that I could have coaxed them/ seduced them because unknown to me then I am a uncanny talker and smarter then most my age and I always seem to know wht to say to get what I want to get across burned into the persons memory now that I am daily told..im hard to forget..I could talk my way out of anything..I should be a lawyer it haunts me that I might have unkowningly used these things in any sexual relations I had after my abuse and up to this point and at times its very hard to deal with. I am just warming up to my Therapist so he has heard very little of all this. sorry to spill all my guts in one post but I in a way connected with your words.
 
it haunts me that I might have unkowningly used these things in any sexual relations I had after my abuse and up to this point and at times its very hard to deal with.
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If this means you are still doing this and want help to stop try posting in the at-risk forum. The moderator and other guys there are ready to help.
 
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