therapy last week

OnceInnocent

Registrant
I was having a very positive T session last week. first one I actually looked forward to in a while.
I felt confident and excited to make new progress.
my T got disappointed he couldn't find a form for me. he sat back down in a huff.
he was sitting at the edge of his chair with his legs spread.
I had been avoiding looking at him when he was up so I didn't get triggered.
when he sat down like that, he was very close to me. I started freaking out in my head. dissociating and shaking and making my body small.
I started to tear up and I thought for a minute I could say to him calmly, "I want you to back up." but I lost it. I couldn't talk. I was stuck there.
he realized that he was too close. he moved back in stages. but it was too late. I was trying to hard to not have a flashback and just keep ignoring him so I wouldn't lose it completely.
he asked me what he could do to help, but I was too ashamed to tell him I wanted him to say "im not going to hurt you and its going to be ok."
too ashamed at this age...
 

Healing light

Registrant
A trauma therapist needs to expect clients will show signs of trauma

I can safely say I could react in a very similar way
And would want them to say similar too

I didn't get on at all well with my male therapist but that's just me

(( Once))
Sorry this happened

Peace
HL
 

manipulated

Staff member
Once
I would copy the original post here and email now or take to the next session. When spoken words fail written words may still communicate what must be said. If it does not generate help and understanding it is time for a new T but please consider 1) he is human too and was not having his best day because of the lost form. 2) I can lose sight of what is important - the client- and drown in my own failure ( organization. And preparedness) switching should only happen if it continues not if this was a one off day.

That “consumers guide to finding a therapist” blog post under survivor helps on the Male Survivor site realllllly helped me finally get to a T that has helped.
 
I would also find it hard to say what I needed in that situation. I used to make sure that I could move my chair back, even then I was ashamed when the T noticed. I did talk about it to her eventually. Hope you manage to clear things up with your T.
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
thanks guys.
I decided to go back this week. yesterday...
he asked me all about how I was and how things went and how I was feeling about being triggered and all that.
hes a good guy for sure.
he let me be vulnerable and overly sensitive. he let me be overly courteous and apologetic.
he asked me what I wanted him to do next time. how to avoid a next time and if it happens again, what I want to see from him.
he has agreed to 100% of it.
im very happy with him.
im just 0% happy with myself.
im tired of fighting this. im tired of spending my money, time, and energy to make myself "normal".
 

WG

Registrant
Once - we all get it that you're tired and worn. It happens to a lot of us while we're working through all that happened to us. It's very normal to feel like that. Don't give up. You're worth every moment, every second it takes. Your T sounds like a genuinely caring individual. Mine is,too, for which I am eternally thankful. We all know there are T's out there who should do something else for a living........
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
thanks guys for all your messages on here. I really appreciate all the perspectives and support.
its going to take time to realize that im worth the time and energy to do this.
NC pointed out a while back that a lot of my trepidation is from not feeling im worthy to be helped and especially not from a man who is caring and kind.
I keep trying to move towards being abused (victim mentality?). But my T keeps moving me back to the right place and being willing and happy to help.
He actually said, "I am happy you are here. not in the "money or therapy" or "happy you are still alive' sense. but in a "I enjoy the time we spend together and also wish we had more" kind of way."
He also reminded me of all the times he has said things like that to me before and that really helped. but as usual I left and felt bad for being loved and cared for. feeling guilty for being loved... its sick what they did to us.
making us into victims was the best way to have us always at the ready to continue victimizing us when they were ready to do so...
thanks for all your help, guys.
 

iceman67

Registrant
its going to take time to realize that im worth the time and energy to do this. NC pointed out a while back that a lot of my trepidation is from not feeling im worthy to be helped and especially not from a man who is caring and kind.

Boy, I can relate, it's one reason I won't do therapy (not yet, at least). Perhaps, after I get passed the self hatred then I will have the courage to go and spend money on myself.
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
thanks for your responses.
its therapy day today... so nervous and I don't even remember what we had planned for today. im sure he will just go with the flow.
trying to remind myself that this isn't just a waste of his time and my money and that im worthy of getting help.
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
well, therapy went really well. i didn't really bother to make eye contact. we talked a lot about how things are now. so we can get all set for emdr again.
i didn't even think about crying until the end.
he started the topic of gender and all that by asking me if i feel like i know who i am now as far as gender and sexuality.
i said, i do feel like i am comfortable saying "im…. im… i don't think i know how to say this. i am a man. wow that was hard to say. i don't think ive ever said that."
and then i said, "yeah, i do still feel straight too. so that's good." lol
we talked about that for a while and he said, "i know you cant look at me now, but im looking at you and im telling you, you are a man. and you are a good man.
and that was when the tears started. lol
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
its going to take time to realize that im worth the time and energy to do this. NC pointed out a while back that a lot of my trepidation is from not feeling im worthy to be helped and especially not from a man who is caring and kind.

Boy, I can relate, it's one reason I won't do therapy (not yet, at least). Perhaps, after I get passed the self hatred then I will have the courage to go and spend money on myself.
let me know how that goes. hating myself is like my only superpower. lol
 

WG

Registrant
Oh, I really cried when my T said that to me - "I'm here with you talking man to man. I look at you and see a man." Sounded incredible to me to be told that. In another session he told me I had been a good son to my folks and that I am a good man. I was stunned into silence (you know you've really hit a nerve when I can't speak!) for a moment, then wept.
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
Oh, I really cried when my T said that to me - "I'm here with you talking man to man. I look at you and see a man." Sounded incredible to me to be told that. In another session he told me I had been a good son to my folks and that I am a good man. I was stunned into silence (you know you've really hit a nerve when I can't speak!) for a moment, then wept.
wow. yeah. it felt like a movie, so cliché, and fake looking, but it was just absolutely genuine.
its weird to have emotions so strong that u didn't know were there. and they just TAKE OVER!.
im glad im not alone, but im sorry you went through it too.
thanks for the post!
 

iceman67

Registrant
Oh, I really cried when my T said that to me - "I'm here with you talking man to man. I look at you and see a man." Sounded incredible to me to be told that. In another session he told me I had been a good son to my folks and that I am a good man. I was stunned into silence (you know you've really hit a nerve when I can't speak!) for a moment, then wept.
I can totally relate. Was it uncomfortable to hear at first? Did you believe it? I did not but over a year later I do believe I am a man. I would never had said that before. It was very uncomfortable for me to hear it since I brainwashed myself that I was not.
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
I can totally relate. Was it uncomfortable to hear at first? Did you believe it? I did not but over a year later I do believe I am a man. I would never had said that before. It was very uncomfortable for me to hear it since I brainwashed myself that I was not.
I felt so unworthy. We will probably discuss it next week. I have homework about it. But yeah. Very unworthy.. but I trust him and he’s so genuine and caring... I believe him bc of who he is.
Although the phrase, “so kind of you to lie” was ready on my tongue. Lol
 

WG

Registrant
iceman - yes, it was uncomfortable to hear it at first since my perp was a guy (I won't say he was a man, real men don't harm children) however, I allowed it to move deeper into my beliefs about myself. He's right. I am a man. Look at what I've overcome and I'm still standing. You ask if I believed it. No, not at first. I still think on that moment.
OnceInnocent - I,too, felt unworthy and wanted to say, "Well, that was nice of you" but it never came out because he wasn't just looking to flatter me (for what reason I wouldn't venture to guess), but he was genuine. Words spoken with no agenda attached. Plain truth. It took a while to register with me.
 
Top