therapy last week

OnceInnocent

Registrant
I was having a very positive T session last week. first one I actually looked forward to in a while.
I felt confident and excited to make new progress.
my T got disappointed he couldn't find a form for me. he sat back down in a huff.
he was sitting at the edge of his chair with his legs spread.
I had been avoiding looking at him when he was up so I didn't get triggered.
when he sat down like that, he was very close to me. I started freaking out in my head. dissociating and shaking and making my body small.
I started to tear up and I thought for a minute I could say to him calmly, "I want you to back up." but I lost it. I couldn't talk. I was stuck there.
he realized that he was too close. he moved back in stages. but it was too late. I was trying to hard to not have a flashback and just keep ignoring him so I wouldn't lose it completely.
he asked me what he could do to help, but I was too ashamed to tell him I wanted him to say "im not going to hurt you and its going to be ok."
too ashamed at this age...
 

Healing light

Registrant
A trauma therapist needs to expect clients will show signs of trauma

I can safely say I could react in a very similar way
And would want them to say similar too

I didn't get on at all well with my male therapist but that's just me

(( Once))
Sorry this happened

Peace
HL
 
Once
I would copy the original post here and email now or take to the next session. When spoken words fail written words may still communicate what must be said. If it does not generate help and understanding it is time for a new T but please consider 1) he is human too and was not having his best day because of the lost form. 2) I can lose sight of what is important - the client- and drown in my own failure ( organization. And preparedness) switching should only happen if it continues not if this was a one off day.

That “consumers guide to finding a therapist” blog post under survivor helps on the Male Survivor site realllllly helped me finally get to a T that has helped.
 
I would also find it hard to say what I needed in that situation. I used to make sure that I could move my chair back, even then I was ashamed when the T noticed. I did talk about it to her eventually. Hope you manage to clear things up with your T.
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
thanks guys.
I decided to go back this week. yesterday...
he asked me all about how I was and how things went and how I was feeling about being triggered and all that.
hes a good guy for sure.
he let me be vulnerable and overly sensitive. he let me be overly courteous and apologetic.
he asked me what I wanted him to do next time. how to avoid a next time and if it happens again, what I want to see from him.
he has agreed to 100% of it.
im very happy with him.
im just 0% happy with myself.
im tired of fighting this. im tired of spending my money, time, and energy to make myself "normal".
 

WG

Registrant
Once - we all get it that you're tired and worn. It happens to a lot of us while we're working through all that happened to us. It's very normal to feel like that. Don't give up. You're worth every moment, every second it takes. Your T sounds like a genuinely caring individual. Mine is,too, for which I am eternally thankful. We all know there are T's out there who should do something else for a living........
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
thanks guys for all your messages on here. I really appreciate all the perspectives and support.
its going to take time to realize that im worth the time and energy to do this.
NC pointed out a while back that a lot of my trepidation is from not feeling im worthy to be helped and especially not from a man who is caring and kind.
I keep trying to move towards being abused (victim mentality?). But my T keeps moving me back to the right place and being willing and happy to help.
He actually said, "I am happy you are here. not in the "money or therapy" or "happy you are still alive' sense. but in a "I enjoy the time we spend together and also wish we had more" kind of way."
He also reminded me of all the times he has said things like that to me before and that really helped. but as usual I left and felt bad for being loved and cared for. feeling guilty for being loved... its sick what they did to us.
making us into victims was the best way to have us always at the ready to continue victimizing us when they were ready to do so...
thanks for all your help, guys.
 

iceman67

Registrant
its going to take time to realize that im worth the time and energy to do this. NC pointed out a while back that a lot of my trepidation is from not feeling im worthy to be helped and especially not from a man who is caring and kind.

Boy, I can relate, it's one reason I won't do therapy (not yet, at least). Perhaps, after I get passed the self hatred then I will have the courage to go and spend money on myself.
 
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