Therapy , grooming** triggers
Healing light
Registrant
My therapy lately has resurfaçed some memories ones that now I can see plainly the grooming that led to coersive control that led to me being stuck all the years I wish I had seen it many years ago. At my age learning to live free and learn who I am like an older teenager does , but I'm not a teenager and can't behave like one.
I wish I could have the time back he took or they took but obviously I need to let that go and look to the future
Therapy has been pretty intense last few weeks and I'm processing alot which is why I'm writing again trying to make sense of the stuff in my head and the emotions I'm feeling
At 9/10 you don't see the train crash ahead I liked my abuser F he included me, he spoke to me he wanted me around him he let me go in his room and things my other cousin's wouldn't let me do there was so many of us the older ones would get sick of us in there stuff or round them they wanted peace and quiet. I remember looking in the bag under his bed he told me not to go in ..... I remember worrying that he would realise I had looked and wouldn't let me in there no more .... This is all before he ever abused me did he tell me not to look knowing I would who knows
The first times he abused me I was really shocked. That started years of me viewing him as two separate people the one who was kind and loved me and the one that scared me
He called IT love though sexual contact, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I did prefer that to him rejecting me , or the verbal and physical abuse when I was a young child .... I wanted to be loved and wanted that's what it all comes down to
My mam wasn't allowed to hug me my father said " he's not a baby , he's not a girl doesn't need them" I was like 5 I did need them
My older brother didn't hug. He fed us though in the years that followed by working hard I do have respect for him I just have no connection don't even think he wants me now more like tolerating something he can't change its how I feel not saying it's how he does since we don't talk feelings or he doesn't
Too much stuff in my head this keeps happening after my sessions with T right now and I struggle to slow it down
Needed this out my head
Peace
HL
I wish I could have the time back he took or they took but obviously I need to let that go and look to the future
Therapy has been pretty intense last few weeks and I'm processing alot which is why I'm writing again trying to make sense of the stuff in my head and the emotions I'm feeling
At 9/10 you don't see the train crash ahead I liked my abuser F he included me, he spoke to me he wanted me around him he let me go in his room and things my other cousin's wouldn't let me do there was so many of us the older ones would get sick of us in there stuff or round them they wanted peace and quiet. I remember looking in the bag under his bed he told me not to go in ..... I remember worrying that he would realise I had looked and wouldn't let me in there no more .... This is all before he ever abused me did he tell me not to look knowing I would who knows
The first times he abused me I was really shocked. That started years of me viewing him as two separate people the one who was kind and loved me and the one that scared me
He called IT love though sexual contact, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I did prefer that to him rejecting me , or the verbal and physical abuse when I was a young child .... I wanted to be loved and wanted that's what it all comes down to
My mam wasn't allowed to hug me my father said " he's not a baby , he's not a girl doesn't need them" I was like 5 I did need them
My older brother didn't hug. He fed us though in the years that followed by working hard I do have respect for him I just have no connection don't even think he wants me now more like tolerating something he can't change its how I feel not saying it's how he does since we don't talk feelings or he doesn't
Too much stuff in my head this keeps happening after my sessions with T right now and I struggle to slow it down
Needed this out my head
Peace
HL
