I feel your pain brother. EMDR is not for the faint of heart, I've been there. I had a session yesterday that was rough myself. Just know going through this pain is helping you heal. It may not feel like it now, but you are better for it. Hang in there!
It sure is tough, but worth it. I’m sorry u had the same experience.
Not sure if it was the abuse memory or the fact that I couldn’t look the therapist in the eye or shake his hand that bothered me more.
He’s a great guy and we have talked about how important touch is. He ALWAYS offers a hand after each session. I had to turn him down and that made me feel like such a failure.
It’s gonna be ok though.
Don't feel like a failure, you are anything but. It takes bravery to face ourselves head on and especially in an EMDR environment where we lose control (e.g. meaning we have NO idea what is going to surface and or how we will react). Walking into this unknown is a true act of bravery! Hold your head high, I know someone who needs EMDR but because they have seem several of my reactions refuses to do it because they don't want to face themselves per se.
Its okay if you couldn't look him in the eye either/shake his hand. You had to care for yourself after your session. Self Care is the priority and if he's as great as you think, he totally gets it.
You were in an extremely vulnerable emotional state, its normal. I'm actually impressed that you can share/show this vulnerability in front of your therapist. Take the win! I don't ever have these moments until I'm back home. There have been times my wife has found me curled up in a ball in a closet hysterical as a result of EMDR, the emotional flooding just being too great. You've got this!
@OnceInnocent you are not a failure, just the fact that we seek out help is brave. Facing our own pain is not for the faint a heart. I have been in a T session where I had to stop 1/2 into it because I triggered so bad and it was only us talking. Be gentle with yourself and take it at your own pace.
You are not alone
Thank you Brennan87, F.A. And NC-survivor.
Yeah. EMDR is tough. I have to remember that I’ve made progress. Last year in July when I started therapy I couldn’t look any man in the eye without having flashbacks, let alone shake hands. I was in tears all day at work. And that after being in and out of therapy since I was 16.
It’s a long road. It will be my whole life, I can see that now.
If I knew that when I was 16 I wouldn’t have even tried.
I’m glad I was youthfully ignorant or I wouldn’t be here today.
@OnceInnocent - you aren't the only one this happens to after EMDR. You're not alone, not by a long shot. After my last session, I had to sit in my car for 20 minutes while crying before I felt well enough to go back to work. I definitely wasn't happy about crying in public, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Thanks F.A. And strangeways.
Yeah. Usually it’s a quick cry in the bathroom. But this is the 3rd EMDR session on being raped 2 times as an adult.
The past year was focused on childhood abuse I went through. I had no idea how powerfully I was effected by being raped as an adult.
He asked me this time to do the EMDR with my eyes open. Normally I do it with eyes closed and use vibrating paddles to do the stimulus.
I was aware that he was in the room, because I could see him and I kept trying to turn away in shame.
I guess I didn’t realise how ashamed I felt/feel about being a man (25 at the time) and being raped...
I began running for the health benefits. I now run 3 times a week (3 miles) for the emotional benefits. It's peaceful to be quiet with my own thoughts on the streets when its dark and very few are up and moving. It's very therapeutic.