therapy and the most dangerous thing
i been in therapy every day now for like 8 or 1o days ,4 to 5 hours a day with three different therapists ,i am still in drug rehab also which means i get tested daily .i have medical doctors telling me i have to get strong enough for surgery,when im not at the clinic im living with my stepdad ,who has like so many rules .the therapy is not really what i expected ,but i think my drug habit is partly to blame for that ,i dont feel like any of these people trust me .the therapists told me that i had a real bad head injury and that sometimes peopole with head injuries remember things not really the way they were,anm i sure that it was the way i remember it?they say i need to forget what happened to my brother ,because the guilt i feel is bad for me,i dont want to forget him !ever and if i have to be sad when i do then i will . also i have talked a lot about the site to my stepdad and the therapists ,both seem to think that comming here and reading about abuse ,reading peoples stories and sharing their pain ,only keeps my mind on the abuse ,as they put it ,it enables me to keep feeling sorry for myself..heh ,im sure you can figure how the therapy is going,i do agree that i never got to grieve for my brother ,they are right about that ,im not sure these guys are equipped to deal with me ,know what the most dangerous thing in the world is? somebody who thinks they know whats best for you!! my stepdad is an ok guy ,he is letting me stay with him and my half brother ,he is paying for the treatment im getting ,but is it right for him to expect total obedience from me ? i never had a father ,and its a little late now for me to deal with one , he dont trust me ,it was over a week before he would let my brother stay here with me here and he watches me constantly like im gonna go into jimmies room and shoot up or something ,we went to a soccer game and i needed to go to the restroom ,well maybe he would just walk along with me ,shit am i gonna shoot up in the fucking bathroom? also he says its not safe for me to drive ,why ? not sure . seizures maybe ,but i been living pretty much on my own since i was 13, this aint gonna work . he says do this ,the therapist says do that ,the med doc says do something else.plus on top of it all i wanna get high so bad its killing me!!i thought i would be the one with trust problems ,i did my part i trusted them all ,none of them trust me i think . but i feel like im kinda doing what i did in foster care ,fighting against people who are trying to help me . it seems ungratefull to bitch about my stepdad ,but if they would just listen to me it would be much eaiser ,they ask why i do drugs ,i tell them because of what happened to me and the respond but adam why do you really do drugs? yesterday i tried doing group therapy ,but it was for drug use not abuse ,6 guys all recovering meth addicts ,so being the new guy they expected me to give some big speach about why i do drugs ,not! so each of them told me why they did ,i feel like such an ass but shit ,these guys did drugs to get high !period . one guy s wife left him ,one lost his job ,one quit drinking ,and used meth instead . one was a veteren of the gulf war ,but shit !how is talking to these guys gonna help me? i told them that i was held prisoner by a maniac that molested and beat me every day ,heh you could say the group was kinda speechless ,so i continued to tell them that i killed my brother at age 8 ,that my mom comitted suicide when i threatened to expose myself to her new family ,that i put my perp in prison and been cut off by my family ,and their little fucking problems made me wanna laugh!yeah not cool i know but fuck it i think the only reason they put me in the group was so those guys could see that their stuff was not so bad . the therapist got pissed at me but hey you want it then fucking deal with it !to me its like if you have a heart problem that makes you weak ,well you dont just give a pill that makes you stronger ,you fix the heart which is the real problem . right?they wanna fix my drug problem ,then fix all the shit that caused it , i didnt start doing meth to get high,i was forced to do it by my perp so i could last all night !then later he used it to make me do things ,an addict will do anything for a fix even an 11 year old addict. sorry this is long . but im real confused and it feels out of control right now . adam
