Therapist Flashback (possible triggers)

[Peter 1950]

Hello guys,

It's been months since I've been here, but I return today as I know of no where else to turn. I'm so thankful that this brotherhood exists, although I've very sorry for what each of you has been through.

First, briefly, my story. While I knew from about age 6 that I was different from other kids I didn't know what to make of it. My father was pretty distant and showed no interest in anything I did. Refused to take me to little league signups, so I didn't go. My mother worked and had no time for me. No brothers or sisters, and few friends, none close. About age 13 I was befriended my my minister, which I thought was cool. I loved the attention and I was flattered. Didn't take too long to discover that he wanted something in return. I obliged. It went on for about 2 years until he moved to a distant church.

Years go by. I don't deal with this well. In college there are two suicide attempts. During my senior year I met my future wife. While I never resolved my sexual orientation issues, I had seen a therapist during my sophomore year. I knew I was attracted to men, but the experience with the minister so turned me off, I didn't know what I wanted. I knew I was screwed up. I went back to see the therapist after we were engaged to see if he thought I should tell her. He said no, and I followed his advice. That wasn't fair to my wife, and probably not to me either.

Two years ago I told my wife. We've been struggling through it since. During that time we moved so I've seen two different therapists. I've been working with the current one for about a year. On Thursday he was trying to encourage me to attend sessions more regularly and said "We have a relationship, too, you know." I was stunned, and scared. Suddenly I felt like I was 13 again. Then we were talking about the journey ahead and potential temptations for me. (I've been faithful to my wife throughtout our marriage of 34 years, but as I accept more about myself, I find myself more attracted to men I meet.) Then he said that there'd probably be intimacy issues to address as well, and that in "our relationship" there would likely be intimacy issues, that it was a natural part of therapy. It was the end of the session and time to leave, but I was so rattled that I wouldn't have asked for a clarifaction. But I need one.

I've felt for a couple of days now, just like I felt when I realized that the minister wanted something back for his friendship. I'm not eating and I'm as nervous as I've ever been.

I mentioned it to my wife last night, and she just said I should talk with the doc.

I think, and hope, that I'm mis-interpreting him, and I'm going to try to see him later this week to get a clarification. Anyone ever run into something like this?

I'm struggling right now, and could use your help and support.

Peter

 

[ScottyTodd]

Peter - Your therapist might have awkwardly tried to explain types of different relationships. He could have been more aware of the dynamics from the past episodes with your minister however, the intimacy, I believe, he was referring to was the fact you have permitted your therapist into areas of your life that few -if any - others have been invited. Therapists are intimately (emotionally, psychlogically) involved in knowing their patients. Since there are different types of relationships there are also many varied types of intimacy. For example the greeks had over 10 ways of saying the word "love" only one included sexual, physical intimacy.
The fear and upset you felt during the session was normal. You were transported to a earlier traumatic experiernce by memories! May I suggest you share your feelings with the therapist at the next session. Perhaps writing them down now and during sessions letting him read what you wrote and discuss them. I HOPE he doesn't try to be defensive...if he is, remind him you need to address your feelings here and not his!
As a clinician, I can atttempt to reframe your therapist in a more non-threatening way. As a survivor, I can feel your reactions to what was said!!! Your reactions are "normal" and need to be explored! This is all apart of healing and part of the journey. Don't feel that if the therapist says "you misinterpreted what I said!" that you should let the feelings go. You are in touch with something that therapy is about and you can use this experience to move on in your recovery! Your feelings are just that - "your feelings". Right, wrong, misinterpreted - they are your feelings and need to be addressed in therapy!
Hope this helps! Questions? PM me!

Howard

 

[Peter 1950]

Howard,

Many thanks for your reassuring words. I'm still very uncomfortable with what happened on Thursday, and I will talk with my T about all of it when I see him next. I do think he will tell me that I misinterpreted him, but I think it will happen in a non-defensive way. He's really a good guy and very sensitive. But it was weird, I could almost see my abuser's face superimposed on him that day. Really rattled me, and the effect has continued through the weekend. I wasn't going to see him until next week, but I'll call in the morning to see if we can coordinate time this week. I think it's best to clear the air sooner.

Your thoughtful comments and advice make a great deal of sense to me, and I deeply appreciate your help. You were just what I needed today.

Many thanks.

Peter