Therapist’s how do you start again,

Having recently had the lid on my trauma ripped off again, having been, coping for sometime I needed to revisit my T, since the last time I had seen him he had had a stroke, and had only just started to see clients again after two years away, I was his second session. The session didn’t go well, with me not being able hear understand him, a mixture of his a slurred and soft speech and my poor hearing. Having told him what had bought me back to him, (in my I,‘m not good enough thread) it became clear he was Not able to continue to support me. Culminating in him asking if I had abused anyone, something that is not in my makeup.

So here I am in need of a new T, someone to build trust in, that does not think all those that were abused are abusers, or my personal favourite, all your shame is due to the abuse you have perpetrated. How do you find a T that not only comprehends what I am dealing with but will support me through it, without a sense of revolution, I am an emotional empath.

How do (have) you find (found) the right T and built there understanding without unpacking the whole nightmare?
 

MO-Survivor

Staff member
Look around. Find someone who has experience with trauma and CSA. I would also recommend someone who is not dominantly CBT in their approach (which focuses mostly on current thoughts & behaviors and helping you change or manage them). A combination of CBT, psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, or some other relational theoretical approach to therapy is probably going to be the most helpful. Every therapist so far until my current has been heavy CBT and didn't address root issues alongside the behavioral / thought change side of things.

I happened to have taken a semester of graduate school counseling classes in a program here that is very highly thought of. The head of the dept at this school is a phenomenal therapist and it is reflected in their program. They have a very hands-on, role-play, apply the theory approach to things. One of my instructors was fantastic and we really hit it off. I asked her for referrals, being specific to what I was looking for (addressing root CSA issues; she already knew of my past) and she gave me about six names. I chose the last one on the list. The one she was like, "I've also heard really good things about...." Anyway, she has been so empathetic and compassionate, really lets me "drive" most of the time (I am self-motivated to move forward in my healing), and is gracious. I got to her office today and was about in tears right from the start because I knew what I needed to talk about but really didn't want to. But she didn't push and push.

Oh - I also purposely chose a woman this time. The last two therapists I had were guys. And honestly, heading into dealing with that boy inside me - I wanted someone more maternal than most guy therapists have the capacity to be :) I did have to unpack a lot - but I was looking to do so because I had never had the opportunity to do that before (before it was like no one cared what I'd been through; no one cared about that kid who was abused).

Best of luck!
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Having recently had the lid on my trauma ripped off again, having been, coping for sometime I needed to revisit my T, since the last time I had seen him he had had a stroke, and had only just started to see clients again after two years away, I was his second session. The session didn’t go well, with me not being able hear understand him, a mixture of his a slurred and soft speech and my poor hearing. Having told him what had bought me back to him, (in my I,‘m not good enough thread) it became clear he was Not able to continue to support me. Culminating in him asking if I had abused anyone, something that is not in my makeup.

So here I am in need of a new T, someone to build trust in, that does not think all those that were abused are abusers, or my personal favourite, all your shame is due to the abuse you have perpetrated. How do you find a T that not only comprehends what I am dealing with but will support me through it, without a sense of revolution, I am an emotional empath.

How do (have) you find (found) the right T and built there understanding without unpacking the whole nightmare?
Bit by tiny bit, until you know whether he/she understands your feelings and can empathize with you. You will know if they are genuine by the tone of their voice, facial communication. Good luck, I've been there too!
 
Look around. Find someone who has experience with trauma and CSA. I would also recommend someone who is not dominantly CBT in their approach (which focuses mostly on current thoughts & behaviors and helping you change or manage them). A combination of CBT, psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, or some other relational theoretical approach to therapy is probably going to be the most helpful. Every therapist so far until my current has been heavy CBT and didn't address root issues alongside the behavioral / thought change side of things.

I happened to have taken a semester of graduate school counseling classes in a program here that is very highly thought of. The head of the dept at this school is a phenomenal therapist and it is reflected in their program. They have a very hands-on, role-play, apply the theory approach to things. One of my instructors was fantastic and we really hit it off. I asked her for referrals, being specific to what I was looking for (addressing root CSA issues; she already knew of my past) and she gave me about six names. I chose the last one on the list. The one she was like, "I've also heard really good things about...." Anyway, she has been so empathetic and compassionate, really lets me "drive" most of the time (I am self-motivated to move forward in my healing), and is gracious. I got to her office today and was about in tears right from the start because I knew what I needed to talk about but really didn't want to. But she didn't push and push.

Oh - I also purposely chose a woman this time. The last two therapists I had were guys. And honestly, heading into dealing with that boy inside me - I wanted someone more maternal than most guy therapists have the capacity to be :) I did have to unpack a lot - but I was looking to do so because I had never had the opportunity to do that before (before it was like no one cared what I'd been through; no one cared about that kid who was abused).

Best of luck!
Thanks MO,
 
Bit by tiny bit, until you know whether he/she understands your feelings and can empathize with you. You will know if they are genuine by the tone of their voice, facial communication. Good luck, I've been there too!
Yes I can see that. I am shit at my own emotions but I read others like a book. Thanks
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Yes I can see that. I am shit at my own emotions but I read others like a book. Thanks
Hey, is that a school uniform you are wearing? I went to a boys school and had to wear a uniform. Loved the school till it darn near killed me and then I realized part way through my 3 year there, I better bail while I'm still walking! I was scared.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Look around. Find someone who has experience with trauma and CSA. I would also recommend someone who is not dominantly CBT in their approach (which focuses mostly on current thoughts & behaviors and helping you change or manage them). A combination of CBT, psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, or some other relational theoretical approach to therapy is probably going to be the most helpful. Every therapist so far until my current has been heavy CBT and didn't address root issues alongside the behavioral / thought change side of things.

I happened to have taken a semester of graduate school counseling classes in a program here that is very highly thought of. The head of the dept at this school is a phenomenal therapist and it is reflected in their program. They have a very hands-on, role-play, apply the theory approach to things. One of my instructors was fantastic and we really hit it off. I asked her for referrals, being specific to what I was looking for (addressing root CSA issues; she already knew of my past) and she gave me about six names. I chose the last one on the list. The one she was like, "I've also heard really good things about...." Anyway, she has been so empathetic and compassionate, really lets me "drive" most of the time (I am self-motivated to move forward in my healing), and is gracious. I got to her office today and was about in tears right from the start because I knew what I needed to talk about but really didn't want to. But she didn't push and push.

Oh - I also purposely chose a woman this time. The last two therapists I had were guys. And honestly, heading into dealing with that boy inside me - I wanted someone more maternal than most guy therapists have the capacity to be :) I did have to unpack a lot - but I was looking to do so because I had never had the opportunity to do that before (before it was like no one cared what I'd been through; no one cared about that kid who was abused).

Best of luck!
Mo, Thanks for your post. Though I am now not likely to pursue any more therapy, what I did have certainly focused on the CBT method. That's all I ever heard, never knew there was another method. I think I had only one person who understood what my problem was, but she did not have the background to really help unfortunately. She was good, but I needed much more than she could give. I still feel that some of the T's thought I was making a mountain out of a mole hill by my "problems" with my playmate and my Doc. I still have anger for many things. I will just live them out.
 
, is that a school uniform you are wearing? I went to a boys school and had to wear a uniform. Loved the school till it darn near killed me and then I realized part way through my 3 year there, I better bail while I'm still walking! I was scared.
Yes that is my first school, primary school, uniform I was eight there. I was being abused practically weekly then. School was a bad place for me. I was dyslexic neglected think and a tramp, and physical abuse was just a norm for me then, even the teachers joined if physical education was the worse, I hate all sports to this day.

Why did school near kill you if you don’t mind me asking?
 
Mo, Thanks for your post. Though I am now not likely to pursue any more therapy, what I did have certainly focused on the CBT method. That's all I ever heard, never knew there was another method. I think I had only one person who understood what my problem was, but she did not have the background to really help unfortunately. She was good, but I needed much more than she could give. I still feel that some of the T's thought I was making a mountain out of a mole hill by my "problems" with my playmate and my Doc. I still have anger for many things. I will just live them out.
I know that one, my parents when I told them what had happened to me, just dismissed it as just one of those things, even when I told them my brother, four years older than me, watch and teased me for years afterwards, constantly telling me and those around me I was gay, not in a positive wa. My T just use to say I was probably autistic, henice me getting fixated on issues, abuse, trauma and sexual self harm. Makes you feel worthless and took my recovery out of my control, for so long.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Yes that is my first school, primary school, uniform I was eight there. I was being abused practically weekly then. School was a bad place for me. I was dyslexic neglected think and a tramp, and physical abuse was just a norm for me then, even the teachers joined if physical education was the worse, I hate all sports to this day.

Why did school near kill you if you don’t mind me asking?
When I was 12, I managed to get encephalitis. Basically its an infection / inflammation of the brain. Mine was not severe, but any attack on the brain damages it. I was having seizures in hospital, completely ignored. I was sent down for chest x-ray, and I told the nurse that there was nothing wrong with my chest, it was my head that was bothering me, headaches etc. Ok, so after a week long stay in misery at the hospital in a large ward room full of other boys, the boy right next to me, 15 yrs old, had pneumonia. There is no way either of us should have been in the same room together! For one thing, I should have been put in isolation but doctor screwed me (literally with his fingers) and incorrectly diagnosed my illness as the common flu. I went home after the week, and I did not feel right, felt like part of me had died, no other words to explain the feeling. There were things that did not make sense to me anymore either and that confused me. I kept talking about having been sick to my parents and they finally told me to shut up! There was nothing wrong with me. So I continued on with school and felt behind for some reason. Then started grade 8 the following September. It was a boys private school, had to wear uniform, I loved it! And I wanted to do what the other boys did and play American style football. 2 weeks into the school year, I realized something was not right with me and I better forget about football and spend any extra time studying. I kept getting further behind, even failing phys-ed. I failed so many courses it was heart breaking to me as I had dreams of excelling at my studies. Grade 9 comes the next year. Again the same thing, except feeling even further behind. Again I was failing everything, NO ONE seemed concerned. They all thought that if I put my mine towards my studies I would excel. By April of that year, I came close to killing myself, and would have if it hadn't been for two reasons. 1) being so exhausted I couldn't get up and get that knife in the next room, 2) being I did not want my mother to find me in the bed covered in blood and dead. I finished grade 9, and got passed once more and into grade 10. Part way throught the school year, I realized that if I did not bail out then, and change schools, which I did entirely on my own, in the end only having my father sign a piece of paper that I was to be registered at the new school. That was that, no questions! I realized that I had to make that change or I would end up killing myself for sure at some point in the year. I still failed almost all my courses right up to graduation from school, - some graduation, I hated every moment of it, wished I never went! Years later, I found out it was in fact encephalitis, and there was in fact a major break-out of Brazilian encephalitis the year I got sick. MRI's showed scaring on my brain in several areas, one where higher cognitive functions ocurr, like where I would require for school work, and another area that affected my left pre-motor cortex. I was ever so slightly weaker on my right side, though I did not feel that, but it impacted on my ablitiy to run and keep pace with my peers, and my stamina. That is why I failed first term phys-ed class in my grade 8 year. After that, I only ever got a pass in phys-ed, because no one ever fails phys-ed! I was the perfect candidate to fail phys-ed. It tears my heart apart now knowing that that is why I could not perform well in my school work as I had intended. I'm now 60+ years old, on disability, had a heart attack 15 years ago, and another doc darn nearly killed me because he punctured my femoral artery in a place where he should not have thus I was bleeding out on the inside. I kept telling that my leg was on fire, I felt sick. They gave me pain meds, and medication for my stomach, then I passed out, and they checked my blood pressure which was way way down! They then realized I was correct, and that something was wrong. They gave me 2 lines of saline solution because I told them I did not want blood, because I was afraid that they would screw that up too, and now so I have permanent pain in my right hip, damage to my muscles in hip and my sciatic nerve. And none of that really touches on the child sexual abuse from my "play-mate" or from unnecessary punishment from my father, strapping me on my bare butt with a thin leather belt, whenever I did something wrong. Ok, I admit I did wrong things, but he didn't have to make me bare my backside to him like I was to everyone else! It's no wonder, that at my age, I still want to show my backside to the world. So much went wrong when I was a young boy that now, I wish at times I did actually kill myself when I was 14. I wouldn't have to put up with all this crap for so long. I don't even want to live past 70 at the latest! I'm just not interested. So that is what happened to me! Read the book by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey "What happened to You?" great read! Better than my writing!
 
The wonders of so called professionals, whose job it was to protect and safeguard us from harm. when I was eighteen months old I had “an accident” where I reportedly poured coffee down myself, resulting in extensive scolding on my shoulders and chest, which is still highly visible to this day. However a 13 I had an usual teenage argument with my mother about a snack, which result in her throughing boiling hot water over me and blistering my neck, showing no remorse or even apologising, she told me to stop-making a puss and go and wash it cold water. No professional were involved or looked into what was going on In our family And later when my mother became a social worker our past was just brushed under the table.

I remember when my CSA was at it peak, and my brother, who has watch me getting raped the first time, and.by this point had been teased me ever since, and I was at my emotional worse, I was about ten or eleven I have what would now be classed as a full blown mental breakdown. Which resulted me curled up a ball in an church, which was in the early stages of construction preying to god to take me, let me die, for several hours I sobbed, sung hymms anything to get god to end my pain, I am not a religious man in any respects now, but to this day I wish my life had ended back them. Back then I would eat laburnum seeds and other things I knew to be poisonous just to end my life. I just did know how many I needed.

All that said over the past five years I have worked hard at letting go of the anger the abuse and traumas people in my life have perpetrated on me. I have come to forgive them for their action and inactions, after all they had their traumas too. My mother died last year, l did not see her before she died, I did not go to her funeral, both would have been wrong for me, but I do not wish her any ill will and I do hope she can rest in piece where ever she is. All I do know is any contact with her would have been to my own emotional cost.

My story is different to yours, and certainly no worse Than your and I tell you this just to shouw I do, to a level, understand your feelings of betrayal by those that should been there when you needed them, but the anger you hold serves no purpose, it only hurts you. Those you were betrayed and hurt by don’t feel your pain aren’t troubled by the impact they had on your life. So holding on to it serves no purpose, letting go of it is the biggest act of self kindness you can give yourself.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
The wonders of so called professionals, whose job it was to protect and safeguard us from harm. when I was eighteen months old I had “an accident” where I reportedly poured coffee down myself, resulting in extensive scolding on my shoulders and chest, which is still highly visible to this day. However a 13 I had an usual teenage argument with my mother about a snack, which result in her throughing boiling hot water over me and blistering my neck, showing no remorse or even apologising, she told me to stop-making a puss and go and wash it cold water. No professional were involved or looked into what was going on In our family And later when my mother became a social worker our past was just brushed under the table.

I remember when my CSA was at it peak, and my brother, who has watch me getting raped the first time, and.by this point had been teased me ever since, and I was at my emotional worse, I was about ten or eleven I have what would now be classed as a full blown mental breakdown. Which resulted me curled up a ball in an church, which was in the early stages of construction preying to god to take me, let me die, for several hours I sobbed, sung hymms anything to get god to end my pain, I am not a religious man in any respects now, but to this day I wish my life had ended back them. Back then I would eat laburnum seeds and other things I knew to be poisonous just to end my life. I just did know how many I needed.

All that said over the past five years I have worked hard at letting go of the anger the abuse and traumas people in my life have perpetrated on me. I have come to forgive them for their action and inactions, after all they had their traumas too. My mother died last year, l did not see her before she died, I did not go to her funeral, both would have been wrong for me, but I do not wish her any ill will and I do hope she can rest in piece where ever she is. All I do know is any contact with her would have been to my own emotional cost.

My story is different to yours, and certainly no worse Than your and I tell you this just to shouw I do, to a level, understand your feelings of betrayal by those that should been there when you needed them, but the anger you hold serves no purpose, it only hurts you. Those you were betrayed and hurt by don’t feel your pain aren’t troubled by the impact they had on your life. So holding on to it serves no purpose, letting go of it is the biggest act of self kindness you can give yourself.
That is something I do not know how to do. I do not even know how to forgive myself. I have tried so many times, because I know that at those times back then I did not have the "brain power" to know otherwise and say no. Or in the hospital situation shout out that I needed help! I cried when I got home and couldn't figure things out, I was terrified. I knew that if I couldn't make a go of it in high school, I would be on welfare by the time I'm 50. Well, guess what, that is exactly what happened! I was burnt out, had no education, basically came down to a grade 6 education with fragmented segments through to grade 12. What kind of education is that? In the hallways at the private school, I remember one day banging my head against the brick wall saying, "what is wrong with me, why don't I get it?" I was 14, grade 9, just getting out of math class. I would have cried buckets of tears at that moment, but how can one do that with all the other boys around. Remember, "Big boys don't cry"! Well, this one did at times, but just couldn't cry at that moment. I remember almost totally falling asleep in math class a few times. I'd have my head down on my desk and almost sleeping! Part of that I now know is one of the "after effects" of having encephalitis, little did I know, yet somehow, I knew that what I had was not the flu! I got a math test back one afternoon, Br. Basil would hand out the top mark papers at the beginning, then go down to the lowest. I was always the lowest!, and last to walk up to the front of the class room, and pick up my paper from him. I got back to my desk, it took all my inner strength to not kick my chair, desk, and some of the others, and storm out of that classroom. Instead, I put my head down on my desk, and felt tears welling up. I was just on the verge of a full blown cry in front of the entire classroom of boys! At that point, I was still struggling not to storm out of the classroom, and leave the school building all together, without even going for my wool coat. It was still winter and chilly. I was starting to break down, and it was near that time that I darn nearly killed myself, and many times I think in my head, I should have gone and done it without delay! I now silently cry, knowing that I put my wife through a life she didn't want, and I sometimes wonder why she did not leave me. I sometimes wonder why I didn't leaver her! Where was MY Big Brother? I had none. I was the big brother and a dumb one at that!. I don't use the dumb literally. but that is how I felt. USELESS, couldn't do a damn thing right. might as well as not exist, and couldn't even kill myself properly. I was kind of chicken to do that too. That is why I sometimes thought about running away and prostituting myself. If I had done anything like that, I wouldn't be alive today!
 
you have been though so much, but you have survived without becoming being self disruptive. You are sixteen had a successful marriage, even if you are not how or why. You are a survivor. What gives you the greatest pride when you look back?
 
So I have spent the evening going through T profiles trying to find one that I feel I can see me talking openly too, with no great success. What approaches do you use to find the right T, one that you can trust with the complexities of a lifetime of surviving CSA?
 
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