Then & Now

I didnt think at all about healing & recovery when I first came here. I just wanted to get safe from drugs & stop hating being me & stop freaking out & seeing things that arent there. Thats all.

Then when I came here I saw things diffrently i guess. I wrote a survivor story but i didnt post it cos i was ashamed. My big brothers here have it so they can say did I really say this stuff. But now i look back at that story & i think thats not me. Who was that messed up kid?

Heres some examples.

Me in April:

I was bad a lot I guess, because what I mainly remember is that my birthdad was always mad at me about something, if it wasn't this then it was that. Nothing I did was right, and sometimes I would just be sitting around watching TV or whatever and he would come in shouting and already be mad. He hit me a lot. He hit my big brother too, but I think it was worse with me – maybe that's just how I see it though. It got really bad sometimes. He would push me and throw me and I would go flying into furniture or a chair, and he had this slap not on your face like usual but on the side of the head and it would make me dizzy. If I answered him back and said what did I do then he would totally lose it and I would really get stomped. From that stuff what I remember is being curled up in a ball on the floor so the kicks and the belt wouldn't get me in the head and just waiting for it to stop.

Me now: It wasn't my fault. He was a drunk. He wasn't really my Dad. I know that now cos now I have a real Dad who loves me & helps me like a dad is supposed to do.

Me in April:

But somehow theres something in me that hurts when I think he didnt love me. I dont understand that. I still want him to come back. Im his son. Its not fair.

Me now: Im not his son. I have a real dad now & he shows me how to not be scared. Yr not a dad if you hurt yr kids.

Me in April:

He would babysit me and my brothers because him and Dad were friends, and I would lay trembling begging God not to let him come in my room. Guess God was busy, because finally my door would open and there he was.

Me now. Wasn't God's fault, same as the WTC wasn't God's fault. It was my abuser's fault.

Me in April:

Then one day he was babysitting for us and I thought what if he cant find me and he goes for one of my little brothers instead, so I just came back to my bed and waited for him. That proved it. I really was a ho – I wasn't even trying to stop it, instead I was just waiting for him.

Me now: I was never a ho. I was just really scared & mixed up. I did what I had to do to keep my little brothers safe.

Me in April:

I got angry a lot and I was in a million fights. I lost most of the time because I picked fights with bullies who were bigger and older. Didnt give a shit then and I still dont.

Me now: That's stupid. Fighting never helped me, not ever. It got me expelled, thats all.

Me in April:

I know I will never have anybody to love me and that hurts the most. I will never be like my Dad.

Me now: I'm just me, its not my job to be like my Dad. I have a gf & she likes me a lot & i think Im a loving person. When I get married & have kids im going to be the best dad in the world.

Me in April:

I don't know where my world is yet, but its a place where I can say it wasn't my fault and believe it and stop hating myself for being me. It would be great to find that place.

Me now: That place is right where I am. I choose to be me. I choose to be okay. It wasn't my fault. I choose to say no. I choose to get my life back & my abuser is going to jail.

Wakiyan Cistala

 

[ForeverFighting]

I'm just me, its not my job to be like my Dad. I have a gf & she likes me a lot & i think Im a loving person. When I get married & have kids im going to be the best dad in the world.

That's beautiful, glaukos. The whole post is beautiful. Thank you for writing that.

You are a loving person. And I agree. A real father comes from love, not blood. That being true, I'd say you have a lot of brothers and uncles here, too. I'm so happy for you.

 

[Lloydy]

Kev
what a wonderful post, I'm so glad you put those feelings into words.

Dave

 

[reality2k4]

Kev, you are just like JT, and you will be as good and loved person in society, because God got him into your life, yeah God works in pretty mysterious ways.

It is hard to not love a birthdad, but he should never have beaten his own kids, I would never raise a hand to a kid, never.

You protected your little brothers, that does not make you into a Ho, you have shown courage in protecting them from the abuser, and you should feel proud.

When I read stuff you posted I thot! If I had been there, then he would never do that again, and probably end up in prison for it, and it is scarey being alone and frightened with no way out.

Never let the guilt be yours, it wasnt yours, you are a great guy, and you have shown courage beyond belief, but now it is time for you to be yourself.

You can always PM me if you dont find the answers to things you face right now, but it was never your fault.

It is so easy to blame life events on yourself, because you think! Hey, everyone wants to make it worse, but now you are grounded in a good family who cares loads about you, and we do too,

(((Kev)))

ste

 

[sabooka]

Kev,

what you wrote is amazing. I am giving you a standing ovation even if it is in the wrong forum.

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPLCAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLACPACLPA


Really really proud of you.

Jonathan

 

[TJ jeff]

Kev,

It's really great to know that you can so clearly see how you have changed in your time here - you are a shining light of hope to those new people here who wonder if things can ever really change

Many of us did'nt understand that the things of our past wer'nt our faults (myself included) when we first came here - it is good to see you put the blame/guilt/shame where it has belonged all along

It is really great that you have a loving Dad in your life now - and I am sure that when you do get married and have kids of your own that you will be a great and loving father to them

TJ jeff

 

[FormerTexan]

This was so encouraging. Thank you.

 

[roadrunner]

Kev,

Others have said it but never mind, here it comes again. This is an amazing post and I am so very proud of you. There is one thing I want you to look at in particular:

I did what I had to do to keep my little brothers safe.

Absolutely true, and as Ste says you should be proud of this, not ashamed. You were faced with a terrible choice: protect yourself or protect your three younger brothers. I hope you can see how your decision was one that took enormous love and courage. The rest of us see this in you over and over again, but you need to see it as well.

I am making this point for a reason. As your court case develops things may get scary and you may wonder how you will find the courage to face everything. Just remember that all the courage you need you already have.

Take care Little Thunder,
Larry

 

[RICK57]

Kev - it's great when you can look back and see that progress has been made. I thank you for sharing that here with other's that may be new and wondering where they are heading to.

Good luck with the case - you have the inner strength to win this.

Best wishes ...Rik