The worst realization

[ForeverFighting]

I've dealt with the memories of SA for years, but therapy has made me look at how it affected me. I think what's messed me up worse than anything is knowing that I actually got something out of the abuse.

I am controlled by a memory, a flashback of fall. What upsets me is that the dread of fall corresponds to when the SA probably ended for the most part and I was again stuck in the house for the winter with my dad, a violent, hurtful, selfish man who gave no love at all. It's terribly difficult to say, but from the little boy's point of view, being stuck with my dad was worse than SA. At least in SA there was the fantasy of love and acceptance, and when the weather gets just right, the trees move a certain way, I am now pulled back outside to try and find that love again. Of course, the reality is the perp did not love me. He "loved" himself and used me. But in the world of a little boy when nobody loves him and he has to earn every crumb of praise he can get, a world where dad is unpredictable and dangerous, where one wrong look can mean instant and unforseen pain, a perp who took me away from that and touched me was at least a touch.

Just saying that hurts, because I hate the perp more than I can possibly say. Maybe I hate him even more knowing that he lured me with something I needed and couldn't get anywhere else. He betrayed me, but a part of me related to him. It is that part that still searches for that connection in reenacting the abuse. The SA was a powerful substitute for the rejection I felt from my dad. He hated me. He's told me that. He wanted a girl or at least a boy that wasn't like me. My very being disappointed him. He took that out on me with his fists, his anger, and his rejection. So uncle's play, his desire to see me... It was all so warped in my mind, but it had to be.

That fact disturbs me more than the SA itself. What damaged me so much was the way my family played me. They set me up. There was no way I could come out of them undamaged and normal. I hate them, all of them. And they can't figure out why. How ignorant is that?

 

[reality2k4]

Michael, one way or another memories will always be triggered by past events.

I am sorry you had such an abusive dad, it must have been so traumatic to just get through being a kid.

I too hate fall, I hate Winter, maybe it was because of being terrified of the dark, I dunno.

When memories of the past surface, it is hard to accept it, because it is linked to so much hurt.
I suppose we all have to embrace these memories, and somehow turn them into good feelings.

I felt like some strange visitor in my home as a kid, and I was always treated as something to be laughed at or scorned, I suppose I must have been a handful, and it scarred my family deeply.

Is this not similar to your feelings? They are deep and profound.

Mike, in spite of the hurt, it made you into a great man who respects and loves others, and that is a great thing to have, far beyond a lot of people,

take care,

ste

 

[puppy]

i relate to what youre saying so much. my father was a lot like you describe your father. cold and hateful and mean. though he was alos the one who sexually abused me. i can completely feel where youre coming from, when the sexual stuff happened for me it was almost comforting because i knew in that time, however long or short it was, he probably wouldnt hit me or call me names. he was much different and it was the only time i felt what i thought was love and affection from him. i realized later it was neither. but at the time, at least in the beginning, i felt special.

i wish i could make all those bad feelings go away for you. i know how much and how deeply it hurts. but you know its not your fault. kids need love and acceptance and they will find it in any way and any place they can, even if its not real love. we were innocent and taken advantage of.

i dont know what else to say except that i wish i could make it not hurt for you. hugs.

 

[Leosha]

I am sorry for how you are feeling. I can understand some, I despise my father, and yet can not feel that toward my mother. And yet, what she did was probably as destructive or more then my father. But under the cover of 'love'. Similar of your perp.

It is hard with the abuse that does not physically hurt at the time. It throws us into a confused bunch of emotions that no one should have to deal with.

I am sorry that you are needing to deal of this now. Just please try to keep it where it belongs, the anger and hate. It is not yours, and you do not deserve it. Give it to those who do.

Leosha