thank you for sharing this. really. i feel weird when i have to talk about the things my female cousin and my oldest brother made me do. i can't quite pin-point the exact emotion, but there is a myriad of things i feel and neither of them is anything good.
"I slept in the same bed with my grandmother from the time I was 5 till 11 or 12. I think I was a natural substitute for my grandfather who had passed away prior to her moving to us. I seriously dont have memories of anything terribly specific other than being in bed and pretending to be lovers. I cant fathom that anything happenedbut maybe laying there and holding each other and kissing was enough to make that a weird experience for me. This next is very difficult to write, but I know its all OK hereshe wiped me way beyond the age that is OK, I mean seriously way beyond that age. It never struck me until this process of looking at everything, but the reason was that I couldnt bring myself to put my hand back there. Maybe that doesnt mean anything, who knows. I do know I had and have a clean hand fetish".
In Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, this kind of exposure is deemed to be abusive. See page #5 for a description of covert sexual abuse. Being forced to help with your mother's bra and girdle and being exposed to her nudity would also be considered inappropriate and abusive. Of course, your parent's constant alcoholism and arguing would not have been helpful in your development either.
Written by Sono:
"Sometime after I was into puberty, probably 11 or maybe 12, for some reason I cant really imagine, my mother saw me erect when I was on a basement sofa. I was laying down, which is somehow a strong part of the image in my mind. She made a big to do about my, well adultness. One of my sisters was close by; she was maybe 25 at the time. Mom called her over and my sister said ok, lets see it. I showed her. The picture of the two of them standing over me while I was laying on that sofa showing them my new adult self is as vivid today as if it happened this morning. Powerful image I can tell you. I guess I must have fled the scene since thats about the end of that memory. I liked itI totally got off on showing them. That made me feel pretty creepy, even then. Its made me feel creepy for years, decades. I several years ago realized this one incident seriously affected my whole relationship with women in lots of ways I dont even realize Im sure".
This scenario is also described in detail in ABUSED BOYS starting on page #5 and ending on page #7, and it is described by Dr. Hunter as another example of covert sexual victimization. You were obviously the product of a severely dysfunctional family upbringing, a victim of violence in your parent's house, and your were repeatedly exposed to covert sexual abuse at the hands of your mother and at least once by your sister too. Your mother went out of her way to both guilt and shame you, which were gross negative boundary violations. Your possibly early flashback-type of memory could very well be at the root of your obsession with women's private areas at far too young an age. Certainly your victimization at home during your upbringing heavily contributed to your "victim" persona, which led to your victimization outside of your parent's house too.
Another book that I will recommend that you look at is John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY, which offers hope and recovery from the effects of a dysfunctional family upbringing. You have made great progress bringing this up, and now there is little question about what behaviors of your parents and your grandmother constitute abuse. Hope that this new understanding helps you in your search for your freedom.
Thank you very much for your words. When I get back home, I'm on the road now working, I will review those passages you cite. I read the book once though, but it was fast and as they say with one eye closed because too much of it was too close at that point in this process for me. Thanks for reminding me, I think I can now read it with eyes wide open!
H.B. We've been ending up in chat several times lately, and I just wanna thank you for what you said there in your post and maybe it helps you in that "I"m not alone way". I know your words here today helped me in that way.