The wife - another abuser (explicit)

Dusty Boy

Registrant
Earlier this year I did a Mike Lew male survivor workshop and the night after leaving the WS I had a dream, I woke up and added the ex wife to the list of sexual abusers. I realised that she had sexually coerced me into marrying her.
How did this happen?.
She became part of our group and as I lived close to her I would give her a lift, and over several outings she became the sort of girl that I was looking for. I became susceptible to her advances, even if not a survivor I would have probably succumbed to her wiles.
After a lot of group outings we finally went for a drive just us and parked overlooking the sea. It was night and she instigated sex, I was a willing participant but she was the aggressor. After the event she became emotional and I comforted her, this was a sympathy ploy I now realise. Within 5 months we were engaged.
Another ploy was to coerce me to be with her for sex rather than participate with the group, isolation the abusers weapon. An example was a friends 21st party she led me to the side of the house to be passionate and as soon as the birthday song and the cake cutting we were out of there to go have sex, the party continued for another 3 hrs but we were isolated for the whole time. Another time was about 5 months before we were married, we went with my parents, brother and sister in law to a dinner dance. It was obvious to all that she was seducing me like in the movies. As soon as the dinner was finished we went back to my parents house to have sex, the house was empty for several hours because the folks were at the dance. This was even more abusive as we were ballroom dancers and this was the sort of entertainment that I enjoyed, we were supposed to enjoy. My mother commented on the fact during the next week it was obvious to all there what was going on.
Those 2 events stuck out even though I could relate more, thats enough to describe the abuse before we were married.
After the wedding ceremony I noticed a change and the sweet girl that I married was gone. That night there was no sex and for the next 3 months we had to use lubrication if we did the deed and that wasnt that often, not for a young newly wed couple, a couple that had lots of natural pre marital sex, with no problems, she changed from hot to frigid.
That was abusive too especially as it was always my fault that she wasnt aroused.
1 year after we married our first child was borne, I thought that the pregnancy was a mistake, something one expects may happen to married couples. Now I realise that our first child was a deliberate maneuver on her part as we had agreed to move to her state when we started a family, in 2 or more years time.
I could write a novel on the abusive relationship we had. I was explaining to my T that she never respected any of my boundaries. I learned to set the boundaries, later I had to set the parameters within the boundaries, and still later what were not acceptable loopholes within the parameters and the boundaries. After 19 years I could not take any more and we separated.
As I said earlier we were ballroom dancers, I was professional when we met and she became my partner, and we were moving up the competition ladder and were on our way to becoming state champions even Australian champions was a possibility. I was robbed of this opportunity by this manipulating shrew.
 
Wow,
I never even thought of looking at my marriage this way. I know right from the beginning my wife was the aggressive one. When I realized that she was looking at me as her "date" (we would go on group outings with the church people in our singles class), I decided to sit down with her one night and tell her about my SSA and history of promiscuity with men. I told her I was not husband material. I had always wanted a family and kids but I knew I was very messed up and already had a failed marriage and two kids from that and a vasectomy. So if she was thinking I was a candidate for that scenario she was badly mistaken.

She thought about it for a week and decided that I was still the one for her and she was ok with my SSA. I thought this may be a God send for me, a companion for life who accepted and understood me. I had not yet come to deal with my CSA yet, I just knew I was messed up and had not connected the dots yet.

She pushed me to ask her to marry and so I did earlier than I was comfortable with as I had only seriously dated her for a few months. With in a year we were married but by then she has spent the night in my bed doing every thing but penetration on several occasions. (She felt that was ok and she was still a virgin as long as we did not go all the way!).

In my mind at that point of our sexual experimentation because of the way I had been conditioned, (thanks dad), I assumed that I was just wanted for the sex. That was what marriage was all about was someone to have sex with. Deep down I was hurt and disappointed but went ahead with it hoping she really love ME and not just my dick like so many others in my past. (God does that bring back memories of dad).

Well this led to a lot of problems and eventually I started acting out again as in my heart this was just another sex thing I had to put up with to be "happy". And I think that on some level I was happy. There was no Joy but we were a couple and got along fairly well so what did I know of happy?

Eventually she grew tired of my distance and we mostly became roommates which eventually was unsatisfactory to both of us and when finally the opportunity came for her in her mind to legitimately dump me, she jumped at it. Now, we both are sadder but wiser in what we really want I think.

This has been a revelation Dusty boy. It sure explains a lot. Thanks for this post.
 
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joelRT

Member, Male
Dusty,

First, let me say that I find it very significant that you refer to her as THE ex-wife and not MY ex-wife. Why is it that I get the feeling that you are trying to dis-associate yourself from your own responsability in having married her? Making it ALL her fault.

You know Dusty, I get about it about how formerly abused boys like us become conditioned to respond in the affirmative when we are sexually sollicited no matter what age we are, and God knows that for years as an adult I still did whatever sex I was told to simply because I was told to so. It never really occured to me, as an adult, to ask myself if I wanted to or not. So, yeah, Dusty, I get it - you were putty in her hands and she took advantage of that for her own gain. I hear what you are saying. Still......

Did she know how to manipulate you because she knew that you were a formerly abused boy? Or was she just being what soooo many women of her generation were taught to be? Maybe she too is a victim of her youth? Women of that generation did not have many personal options - their identity and their power were tied to the man in their lives, and if a woman was to have any personal power she had to go through a man. That's what they were taught, that's the society and culture that YOUR ex-wife grew up in.

That in no way makes it right, and manipulating you into a marriage that you probably would not have sought out on your own is just wrong and decietful no matter what may have motivated her. I'm just asking you if maybe it's your former years of abuse as a boy that has made you look on your ex-wife as an abuser. Your post makes it sound like she knew what she was doing and that she maliciously set out to trap you. Even though you can see the reality of the situation today doesn't mean that that is what she conciously did way back then.

You, like me, were taught to trade sex for love with men. Not good. Women of our generation were taught to trade sex for security with men. Not good too.
 

Dusty Boy

Registrant
Thanks for your reply Joel,
First, let me say that I find it very significant that you refer to her as THE ex-wife and not MY ex-wife. Why is it that I get the feeling that you are trying to dis-associate yourself from your own responsability in having married her? Making it ALL her fault.
I refer to her as THE ex wife so that I am do not her own her abuse of me, so yes I am dis-associating.

Did she know how to manipulate you because she knew that you were a formerly abused boy? Or was she just being what soooo many women of her generation were taught to be?
I thought that for many years, and no she did not know of my abuse.

Maybe she too is a victim of her youth? Women of that generation did not have many personal options - their identity and their power were tied to the man in their lives, and if a woman was to have any personal power she had to go through a man. That's what they were taught, that's the society and culture that YOUR ex-wife grew up in.
I cant agree that that statement was 100% true for her, she had been bought up to be an individual, and her parents were proud of her for that fact. Though she had the poor little me act at Oscar winning performance level.

That in no way makes it right, and manipulating you into a marriage that you probably would not have sought out on your own is just wrong and decietful no matter what may have motivated her. I'm just asking you if maybe it's your former years of abuse as a boy that has made you look on your ex-wife as an abuser. Your post makes it sound like she knew what she was doing and that she maliciously set out to trap you.
I believe she did and heres why. When we met she had moved to my state from a rural city and gave me several reasons that sounded valid for doing so. Later she mentioned that her ex boyfriend had visited my city and met a girl and returned home engaged. Given her competitive nature that I discovered after we tied the knot and the lies I strongly believe that she moved to my city to get a husband to show him that he only got a fianc, she got a husband. Then I found out that the valid reasons were not as kosher as I thought and one was a downright lie. Her girlfriend was visiting my city later I found out only knew of the girl and found out of her visit from an acquaintance, and set up meeting her here through this source.
.

Even though you can see the reality of the situation today doesn't mean that that is what she conciously did way back then.
I believe that she did knowingly set me up once I spoke to her. As I said in my earlier post she became the girl that I was looking for and changed, it was an about face, she went from supportive to being demanding. Later I realised she was emotionally abusing our children and I had become her accomplice, that situation changed immediately and I called her on it and eventually would step in to separate her from them to stop that abuse situation. When she found that I was not complicit anymore the children were no longer subjected to her abuse, however it ramped up on me, the victim in me accepted that it was my lot but the survivor eventually won and we separated.
There are other reasons for me to conclude that I am correct in my recent opinion of her being an abuser, especially as she coerced sex with me then almost sexually rejected me for our married life, that was another form of abuse. Another fact is that she did all in her power to isolate me from my family and friends throughout the relationship, which is a tactic that abusers use to enforce reliance upon them selves.
I did not mean to imply that I was completely innocent in the failure of the relationship I was acting out with men and that I came out as gay after we split I was taking a lot of responsibility for the break up, however I now look at the whole relationship as abusive and doomed from the first meeting. Therefore I accept minimal responsibility now.
Dusty
 

joelRT

Member, Male
Dusty,

Funny how just a few additional details can bring a slightly fuzzy picture into sharp focus.

It sounds to me like you were married to my mother's twin sister.
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/Personality_Disorders/hic_Histrionic_Personality_Disorder.aspx

Perhaps the time has come for you to grieve this relationship and give yourself the chance to move on? You certainly deserve to, Dusty.
 
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