the waiting

[SAR]

Originally posted by EBrook:
I know there are a lot of patient spouses and partners on this board who are willing to wait for their loved ones to recover. I don't intend this to be a criticism of that choice. I wish my bf and I had the kind of relationship that would allow me to make that same choice and feel good about it. But reality is, we don't have that level of commitment, and acting as if we do is only going to hurt me in the long run.

Hey, no criticism taken here. It's not about winning a patience game or absorbing the most blows to our self-esteem. It's about you taking a step back and looking at your situation realistically, and making the choices that are best for you in that situation.

For me at least, it wasn't like when my boyfriend disclosed SA, suddenly I had all the missing pieces of the relationship puzzle and I vowed that day to recommit and support him at any cost to myself, because of how he'd been hurt. That's not me, it's not the me he chose to tell, it's not the me he chose to be with in the first place.

I chose to stay with a man who was learning-- not waiting-- to recover, learning new ways to live, and making it clear to me that he wanted me to be a part of his changing life. It was his actions in the present, not the hurt from his past, that gave the me patience and confidence to stay with him.

Please don't feel like you can't share your honest feelings here-- you're allowed to miss him, and you're allowed to make your own best decisions.

 

[EBrook]

Originally posted by FastForward:
You do have to be careful not to hurt another person in the process by treating them as a diversion while in the holding pattern.

I do not intend to do that. I intend to proceed as if the relationship is not "on hold," but over. Granted, I may be dating someone else by the time he comes back into my life, and then I'll have to make a choice, but that's assuming he reappears at all. He's made it clear that he's unable to be in a relationship right now, and may not be able to be in a relationship for a long time. I can't put my own life on hold indefinitely for the sake of hope.

His divorce won't be final until December, and based on what my divorced friends tell me, it will probably take a year after that for him to be ready to open his heart again -- and that's without taking his SA issues into account. I hope, passionately, that he heals and comes back into my life. The door is open if and when he's ready to walk through it. But I have to accept that it might never happen. I hate it, but I have to accept it.

 

[FastForward]

EBrook,

I think your understanding of the situation is very wise. I wish you all the best and all the happiness life has to offer. Take care of your heart; I can still feel the pieces falling.

Safe hug.