the waiting

the waiting
E

EBrook

Registrant
On Monday, I sent my bf a little package in the mail -- a book he'd been wanting and a note saying I've been doing a lot of reading about SA, feel like I understand things a little better now, and want him in my life when he's ready. He should have gotten it the next day. He only lives a few miles away. Even though I told myself I didn't expect any response right now, I confess I'm disappointed that I didn't get one. Even though he swore he would be back, I keep thinking, "I'm never going to see or hear from him again."

On some level I know I need to tell myself that so I can move on more easily if he really does disappear. But it seems like calling him a liar, too.

I think it's time for me to call my old therapist and make an appointment for a tune-up.
 
Hi!

I know it is tough at this stage. It is definitely time to get your mind into something else. Whatever will happen, will happen. You still have your own life to live.

Enjoy it and do someting fun for yourself this weekend!
 
Thanks -- I'm having dinner with family at one of my favorite Italian restaurants tonight. Panna cotta has special healing powers. And I'm making plans right now to spend tomorrow at the farmer's market with some friends.

I am realizing what's really bothering me: we agreed we were "taking a break," but we didn't define it. I left it up to him to contact me "when he's ready." So now I have no idea how long it will be before we're back in touch, and that pushes all my buttons about being neglected, ignored, abandoned without warning. I feel like I'm twisting in the wind.

At least I have a therapy appointment on Monday. It's been a few years, but I hear it's like riding a bike.
 
EBrook
Yeah, it's time to get the bike out.

We're a difficult bunch of people, some might say we're crazy? Whatever, there's no predicting how we're going to react until we decide to get our lives back in line.

We can get our lives back, and we can learn to be a part of a loving relationship, but it has to be our doing,
Until then look after yourself, get a few sessions of therapy, make yourself feel good about you - the most important person in your world.

If you're in top shape then you can cope with almost anything, even a cranky survivor.

Take care
Dave
 
Just like biking. You wake up the next morning aching all over and wondering why it was so easy before...
 
Originally posted by Lloydy:
We're a difficult bunch of people, some might say we're crazy
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Hey, I never said I was easy or sane myself! :rolleyes:

Thanks, Dave.
 
EBrook,

I never realized, until my boyfriend really started sharing with me, how much he leaves unsaid.

It takes a lot of energy for him to have any conversation that is difficult at all, that involves emotions, or even his personal preferences-- because that makes him vulnerable.

He'll tell me, "I'd like to tell this person thank you but I don't think I will," or some other version of "but I don't think I will," and all of them are totally innocent-- I mean, I've been cooking foods that he doesn't like, for YEARS, because he never said a word about it.

I'm not saying this because it excuses your boyfriend's lack of communication-- or because I think you should jump in and start guessing about what he's leaving unsaid-- please don't do that. Everyone has to learn to speak up for himself eventually (some just have to eat unpalatable veggies for eight years first ;) ).

I just want you to know that you don't need to jump to conclusions that will make you feel bad about yourself, either.
 
Originally posted by SAR:
I mean, I've been cooking foods that he doesn't like, for YEARS, because he never said a word about it.
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I wish my "ignorance" only extended to the dinner plate.

Originally posted by SAR:
-- or because I think you should jump in and start guessing about what he's leaving unsaid-- please don't do that. Everyone has to learn to speak up for himself eventually (some just have to eat unpalatable veggies for eight years first ;) ).
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ARGH, now you tell me.

I am now in a holding pattern with regards to our intimate contact. My wife's therapist has asked for a contact free period. EBrook, not to minimize what you are going through...but living in the same house and not having "access" sucks. Were it not for the kids I would rather start going on long business trips.

Originally posted by SAR:
I just want you to know that you don't need to jump to conclusions that will make you feel bad about yourself, either.
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Too late for me...but I'm working on it.

I told my wife, in regards to "my" process, that what I was going through was me & my history, and;
1) Didn't have anything to do with her,
2) Couldn't change my love for her
3) Wouldn't impact my foundations (kids & her)

To which was her reply "Ditto"

It drives me nuts when she does that - it's like a copy/paste in real life. :cool:
 
I can deal with distance, as long as I know how long it's going to last.

I can deal with a moratorium on sex, as long as I know how long it's going to last.

I can even deal with not hearing from him at all, as long as I know how long it's going to last.

I could soothe myself if I could say, "It's okay, you'll hear from him a week from Wednesday" or "It's all right, you'll start negotiating sexual boundaries at the end of the summer." Unfortunately, I seem to have backed myself into a corner by saying I don't expect to hear from him until he's ready. I don't know when he'll be ready. I don't even know how he's going to define "ready." All I can do is tell myself either "You'll hear from him eventually" or "You'll never hear from him again." And neither one feels very good.
 
My wife and I had a long talk about a whole range of things tonight. One of the subjects that came up was the possibility of her ever having sex again.

Her body has been conditioned from a very young age unfortunately so there is a lot to undo. If it doesn't happen then I will look elsewhere - she knows it I know it and we have both said it. BUT I am going to do my damndest to wait until she says one way or the other. There is too much invested.

This doesn't help you, but I hope it illustrates that no one on the planet has any guarantees.

A hug is yours if you want it - your partner too.
 
as long as I know how long it's going to last.
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That's perfectly understandable, and it's something I'm sure my wife ask's herself many times.
It's something I ask as well.

I just wish I knew.......

Dave
 
Hi Guize,
I have just now caught this thread again and wanted to ask.

Is there any reason some one couldn't gently go back & as less intrusive as possible and ask the question /s of "how long" or "can we try to do (insert example)"?

Via email or snail mail or phone call and without a long story or attachment of how much some one is missed or one's amount of worry attached to the note? (so the survivor does not auto attach guilt or intrusion or even the questioner)

Just through my own Hubby & I's experience we have at times made some "rules" to try to heal and deal with our relationship only to find out that we "forgot" a point, a subject or some area of life that falls into a "grey area".

It took a lot of risk/s on both of our parts at times and still does. BUT, when approached with respect and the explanation & kept short as to WHY the question or request to re-address the particular issue, normally the discussion has come out with a reasonable mutual agreement. Bascially questions answered.

However we both have discussed several times that we know we are not going to know ALL the questions right away to ask or what may unexpectedly come up that we may be forced to deal with each other immediately.

I know that as time has gone on "we" as a couple have changed many times over. Our main "rules" remain in tact for conversation. Respect, no name calling, no physical violence , & no verbal violence (voice screaming yes this last part is difficult for us as we are "learning" to argue healthily. Apologies are always said when and IF they are meant, and further explanation & discussion is always allowed provided our enviromental situation is met. General guidelines that are "personally healthy" those were examples but not ALl of the "rules".

by enviromental situation I mean that we are in private - no tv, no kids, company etc. AND no conversation takes place in the bedroom as that is or has been chosen as our "couples sanctuary" - our place of peace and safty for the two of us.

perhaps I missed the boat on the main point of this thread, but felt that thru our experiences perhaps our own learned lessons maybe someone could take something from if it applied.

Peace, Sammy

PS to Medicb4 -
you said

"Her body has been conditioned from a very young age unfortunately so there is a lot to undo. If it doesn't happen then I will look elsewhere - she knows it I know it and we have both said it. BUT I am going to do my damndest to wait until she says one way or the other. There is too much invested."

I was so relieved to read the last part of that in which you say you will do your damndest to wait until she says one way or the other. Hubby & I "tried this" approach. I can only share from our experience that "looking elsewhere" was a very painful lesson that only made our issues worse. You are soooo right in saying that you have too much invested. Going elsewhere only caused more pain & chaos in our relationship. If you 2 should decide that this is a "real option" perhaps the guidance of a counselor before you make the steps out would be in both of your best interest first.

Peace, Sammy
 
Originally posted by Wifey1:
PS to Medicb4 -
you said

"Her body has been conditioned from a very young age unfortunately so there is a lot to undo. If it doesn't happen then I will look elsewhere - she knows it I know it and we have both said it. BUT I am going to do my damndest to wait until she says one way or the other. There is too much invested."

I was so relieved to read the last part of that in which you say you will do your damndest to wait until she says one way or the other. Hubby & I "tried this" approach. I can only share from our experience that "looking elsewhere" was a very painful lesson that only made our issues worse. You are soooo right in saying that you have too much invested. Going elsewhere only caused more pain & chaos in our relationship. If you 2 should decide that this is a "real option" perhaps the guidance of a counselor before you make the steps out would be in both of your best interest first.
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ABSOLUTELY ... I have no intention of doing anything until we are both agreed. It was her idea from the beginning that my drives were so high she couldn't promise to ever be able to deliver at all - not to mention in a "better" way than we have had until now.

I told her I would wait 1 month, 6 months, 1 year maybe 2...and it depends on if we are making progress of course.

I promised for better or worse, and I don't take my promises lightly.

Scott
 
Sammy, at this point I have promised him distance for a while, and my first concern is making sure he knows that I will honor his boundaries and his need to focus on his recovery rather than my feelings. The whole reason we decided to take a break in the first place is that he was trying to meet my needs instead of paying attention to his own.

I do think I need to get clear in my own mind how long I'm willing to wait for him to make contact before I call him up and say, "Hi, I miss you, can we get together?" But right now I'm not sure how long I can wait. I'm trying to un-wire all those buttons that say not hearing from someone every 48 hours means I'm being ditched. I want to stretch it out as long as I can, for my own growth if not his.
 
EBROOK,
thank you for the clearer explanation -- I am in my "own" waiting period until he is done with his schooling ... = October, unti then I am struggling with you with empathy as it feels like a million years away.
Until then I have this "group" which has been so supportive and teaching me so much!!
Peace for you,...

Medicb4 -- each time I read something so "positive from a male perspective" - I learn so much! HOW much? it is immeasurable!!
I can only share simply that it helps to heal my own demons brought on by what my "mother" taught me about men & how much my "own Hubby" struggles WITH me.
Peace, Sammy
 
EBrook, I just wanted to add my support to you in this moment. I know myself the "waiting" road and its hardship. I myself can only suggest you to use this time to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Abby
 
Thanks for bumping this up. I was just thinking about it this morning, since it's been almost a month now with no contact and no idea when or if we'll ever see each other again. I love him. I want him in my life. But right now he's not in my life, and I need to behave accordingly. I've accepted a date with someone else for next weekend.

I feel bad posting this. I know there are a lot of patient spouses and partners on this board who are willing to wait for their loved ones to recover. I don't intend this to be a criticism of that choice. I wish my bf and I had the kind of relationship that would allow me to make that same choice and feel good about it. But reality is, we don't have that level of commitment, and acting as if we do is only going to hurt me in the long run.

I miss him.
 
I feel bad posting this. I know there are a lot of patient spouses and partners on this board who are willing to wait for their loved ones to recover. I don't intend this to be a criticism of that choice. I wish my bf and I had the kind of relationship that would allow me to make that same choice and feel good about it. But reality is, we don't have that level of commitment, and acting as if we do is only going to hurt me in the long run.

I miss him. [/QB]
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You NEVER need to justify the choices you make. There are a million ways to get through life and as long as the majority of your choices have had positive impact than you are ahead of the game.

My ex dumped me (yes...we had a defective relationship but she would perhaps have "lived with it" had I told about my abuse) but that served to set me up for a life with my wife.

The world is very wise.

Peace
 
But reality is, we don't have that level of commitment, and acting as if we do is only going to hurt me in the long run.

You might wait for ever, but your hurt will go.

Sad, but true.

Dave
 
EBrook,

Just because you are going on a date it is not a bad thing. You do have to be careful not to hurt another person in the process by treating them as a diversion while in the holding pattern. Some actions, and hurts, are more permanent/irreversible than others.

Seeing other people in the right circ=umstances can be very good at helping us realize how well we are grounded in our current reality, or even bring us back to it.

I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes stepping out of the holding pattern can help deciding what our real needs are. Afer that many decisions are much simpler.

Best wishes.
 
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