the unsovable issue...

the unsovable issue...
P

phoster

Registrant
I feel very stuck today. After all I have done, I feel like Im right back at the beginning.

After my abuse, I acted out and coped with life through sex, and I was very out of control with it. After nearly loosing my wife to an affair, I admitted I needed help. While seeking help for sexual addiction, I uncovered my abuse.

Now years later, I accept my sexuality, have dealt with my feelings of guilt and shame, and in many ways have remade my life in a very positive way. I no longer use porn, excessive masturbation and affairs, but the drive to do so is still as strong as ever. It feels like a prison without a key. For the rest of my life, I have to deny myself, I have to endure being unfulfilled and not totally happy. I will always have this gnawing hunger in the pit of my stomach. It is a scar left by what happened, and there is no ridding myself of it.

I chose my wife and family over adventure and thrills. It is the right choice I know, but for the rest of my life, I will always have a small part of me that isnt happy. I feel robbed, incomplete, like I am in jail for what someone else did. I can never be completely happy in a relationship. Some small part of me will always be nagging me to do something I cant. I can control it, but it never goes away. I realize I will never be able to just relax and be happy. for the rest of my life I will have to be on guard, ever vigilant against this drive I have. I hate it. I curse it, and yet I am forever saddled with it. no amount of philosophy or therapy can excise it. it is who I am of all things. it feels hopeless, like healing completely isnt possible, and it depresses the hell out of me.
 
Phoster

Im there right with you mate.

Regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
I was there too.

However, over the years as I worked on the root of all these problems all the cravings for the harmful things faded. I never thought they would, but they did.

There is still hope to be happy whether you believe it or not.
 
i wish i could see it, feel it. right now this seems like something that will forever drag me down. i had a great vacation, and had a blast, but here is this dark cloud hanging over it. i just want to be happy, deep down happy. i've had it at points, but the sex thing is always waiting for a weak moment to pull me down. it always finds that moment at some point. i wish i could see even a little relenting, but it is just as strong as ever. i am better at denying the urges, but they havent let up any.
 
You are right, it always feels like that. You don't notice them going away, at some point you notice you haven't had to work so hard to fight them lately and that is when you feel the spark of hope.

I'm not BSing you, if you are working as hard as I see you are working, then it will happen. Again, I was there. I dont come here to piss people off when I say Ive made certain gains in my recovery, I talk about my successes to show that there is hope, I mean, if I can do it anyone can do it.

My therapist says recovery is like an onion, sometimes you peel down to a dark spot but that is not going backward. You just keep peeling till you get past it and keep going. I still have cravings for alcohol and other things sometimes, but now I dont feel like a failure for having the feelings, I understand they are going to sometimes be a part of my life.

If I yell at my kids I find the outburst regrettable, but I forgive myself for having it, move on, and try not to blow up the next time.

You are doing all the right things. You are here, you recognize that you dont like the cravings for your different vices, and you do what you can to fight them. That my friend has a much brighter outlook than giving in and spending all your time following through with the cravings and really hating yourself.

Hang in there man.
 
I continue to struggle with things that are similar.

The challenge for me has been and continues to be to convert preceptions of being deprived into beliefs that not doing something that I have seen is not good for my well-being and happiness is a choice, not deprivation.

Since the self-judgement part of my mind continues to be very strong, I am able to loathe my behavior even as I feel that not doing it is depriving me of something I really want.

This practically tears my brain apart sometimes.

I hide the behaviors and lie about them and fear getting caught and being judged and having dire consequences imposed upon me. But I still do them.

I'm so ashamed of them, I don't bring them up in therapy sessions. I tell myself, "not yet," but wonder if anywhere in my mind I really intend bringing them up.

I tell myself that I can 'get over' them on my own but don't take measures to do anything like that. Instead, I just feel more guilty and shamed for not taking those steps.

I know the behaviors are obstacles but still I cling to them.

I can sort of see that, for me, they were originally coping strategies, ways of escaping the worst feelings around abuse. But now, they are unnecessary and get in the way of enjoying my life today.

I believe that the behaviors are something that I enjoy and want to repeat over and over again but the fact that I experience angst, confusion, emtional turmoil about them, might indicate, if I was of clearer mind, that they really aren't something that I want to be a part of my life anymore.

Its a big jump for me between intellectually understanding this and a sea-change in feeling.
 
i guess i have some progress, because i am not ashamed of the wants and drives any more. i accept them as part of what life has made me. i also realize what drives the cycle, and have control over my body. i hope someday it doesnt seem like i am denying myself something, but right now it feels that way. part of me clings to it i suppose because i want both worlds. i am like a caged wild animal, that people try to domesticate. i act very civil, until something triggers instincts that are almost beyond my control, and then look out! i feel weak, as though i might fail at any time. i feel depressed as though i will never be rid of it all. yet, for now, i am me, and i am okay. i guess that counts for something.
 
I suppose I can accept, sometime, that the behavior I have chosen not to follow has been and will be triggered. That's a natural outcome of the abuse I experienced.

I see that there is a difference between feeling resistence and feeling deprivation. It helps me, I think, to begin seeing that I am resisting a behavior rather than depriving myself of it.

It would be nice to have a sort of machine that, like a paper shredder, only bigger and more powerful, I could put these behaviors into, break them down or tear them apart and add them to the garbage heap.

That would be nice, a relief.
 
phoster,

I swear, if I didn't know better, I would have sworn I started this thread. What you wrote is exactly what happened to me, how I behaved and how I feel. Its a mirror image of my life. You're a little farther along than I am so if you find the answer, please let me know. I'll do the same for you since we are traveling the same path in life. Its just amazing to find people like me. I struggle with the exact same issues. I've often wondered what it would be like to not want sex all the time. Not to want to masterbate to porn. What would my life be life? How would I be? :confused:
 
phoster, you might want to re-read Rolands reply several times. We need to keep hope alive and believe in our best selves. A good therapist is the place to deal with the causes of these cravings. Once a person works on the root causes it is amazing how drives lose their power.

Bob
 
The quest for hope sometimes can be what keeps you going.

I feel literally like dying today, but I still have hope, and that keeps me going.

Phoster, Roland's right. The quest can sometimes be the quest. There may never be an answer or a complete cure, but as long as you have hope and faith that it will turn out as it should, you will make it.

I have faith in you, my friend. i know that kind of person you are.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Ive done a lot of work on my sexuality. It is kind of a catch-22 thing. In the beginning I felt I was sick and perverted. I hid my tastes and desires, and had a lot of shame and guilt for them. In secrete I voiced them through porn, fantasies, masturbation and eventually affairs. Finally, I was caught, and admitted I needed help. I entered a sexual addiction program and went to SLAA meetings. It was there that I uncovered my abuse, as the workshop triggered the memories.

Last November I entered therapy for my abuse. There I learned to love myself again, and to accept my tastes as an okay part of who and what I am. Acceptance is a double-edged sword though. To accept that it is okay to like something sexual is to give yourself permission to enjoy it, even if it doesnt fit you current lifestyle. For example if you say it is okay to be bi-sexual, it is saying that it is okay to have sex with both men and women. You are in fact telling yourself that there is nothing wrong with you, and are giving yourself permission to be who and what you are.

It is one thing denying yourself that same-sex relationship when you have labeled it wrong or sick. You beat yourself up for feeling that attraction, but you can live without it pretty easy because it is wrong. When you accept it, you finally stop beating yourself up for the attraction, but the drive to experience it and live it becomes more appealing.

This is where I am. I did a lot of work to finally accept myself as I am. Now that I love myself, it feels like I am finally free to be myself, and that person doesnt fit into my relationship very well. If I say to myself it is okay to enjoy spanking for example, naturally I want that in my life. There is a conflict when your partner isnt into the stuff you now see as okay. I have trouble denying yourself because you no longer label it sick. I feel frustrated because I feel I am with an incompatible partner now. Before it was easy to blow those differences off, and say that I am the problem. Suddenly I feel I dont have a problem, but that our relationship isnt exactly right for me.

I may be facing a case where in learning about myself, I outgrow where I was. Perhaps the person I am becoming cannot be happy with where I am. My wife and I can only give so much, and I am afraid I am starting to realize that we are so different sexually that there is no common point where we can both be happy. One or the other is destined to loose out.

I wish that sex wasnt such a powerful force in my life. I wish I could be happy with what I have, but Im slowly realizing I cant. As painful as that admission is, it is glaringly clear to me. In healing I have changed and grown, and I fear I have grown out of my relationship.
 
Phoster,
To accept that it is okay to like something sexual is to give yourself permission to enjoy it, even if it doesnt fit you current lifestyle.
Click to expand...
This strikes me as true, but missing an important point. I'm not worried about any bi urges. I never had any that were in any way healthy, just abuse echoes. But there are things I like which I would not attempt to create now.

I like women. I was never one to have lots of girlfriends, didn't go on a date till I was 23. But there were things I like about some women who were in my life before, things my wife doesn't like.

I'm not living a life of deprivation. I'm living a life different from another one I might have had. But no one can have "it all."
I wish I could be happy with what I have
Click to expand...
My T pointed out once that "happiness is over-rated" and I believe her. I want to sleep at night. I want to believe in people. I want peace, serenity.
In healing I have changed and grown, and I fear I have grown out of my relationship.
Click to expand...
I doubt you'd be the first or the last to do so. If I found myself feeling that way about our marriage, I'd try to get some better communication with my wife before taking any action. Because while I was changing and growing, she wasn't just sitting around. Relationships are about changing and growing, or they are about nothing at all.

I hate the way this post sounds. It's too damn preachy. I really hope that you find a way forward that works for you and your family. Please don't think I mean to minimize your pain over this. I'm trying to state some beliefs that seem very different from what's in your posts, but they are important to me. That's all. Take what you like, leave the rest.

Thanks,

Joe
 
sorry didnt mean to preach.

i guess in the end this is a very personal choice that i need to make. in fact i think inside i know the answer, i just dont want to face it.

if my wife and i hadnt talked i would agree that we needed to. i keep telling myself that love is worth a million tries, but more and more it is clear that she is who she is, and i am who i am.

i understand what you are saying about living a life that is different, not deprived. believe me, i try to count my blessings all the time. i try to focus on the good. perhaps it is just me, but the good always seems to get tainted by my sexual desires. they are powerful, emotionally. i have gotten very good at controlling my body, but deep emotions are not that way. they are what they are, and if they are loud enough they demand attention. i deny them for a time, but all it takes is the wrong place and time, and i'll do something i'll regret. i want to be free of it, but i fear it means being in a different relationship.
 
Phoster,

I meant my post sounded preachy. Sorry about that.

Good luck with this. It's a difficult thing. Remember you have support here no matter what choices you and your wife make.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hmmmm. Well, first, I think we all are in some kind prison, as you say. Paying price for crime not of our doings. I can understand that thought.

Please do not take me wrongly, I am not of those kind habits, so have not had to make your sacrifice. And I do not have family.

But, I think that never we should feel so much regret over a choice. because, to regret it that much, that you would feel as if you are in prison for rest of your life, maybe it is wrong choice for you? I know, that is terrible thing to me, and I am stupid little shit person who does not have the life of you or responsibilities of you.

But, I just wonder. If you feel any kind of resentment for this choice you have made, (I am not saying you do, just if), then that could maybe be felt by your family. And that could maybe cause more hurt and bad feelings then to make the other choice would.

I most likely do not know what I am saying here, and I am truly sorry if I have offended you or anyone else. I just kind of worry of someone making choice that seems to be so upsetting to them, for now and future. It seems rather like censoring self, to not live our true life. And it just seem there enough people who try to do that to us, without us do it to ourself. Just is my thoughts, nothing important.

Good luck to you.

leosha
 
Brayton
once again you tell it like it is -

Since the self-judgement part of my mind continues to be very strong, I am able to loathe my behavior even as I feel that not doing it is depriving me of something I really want.

This practically tears my brain apart sometimes.

I hide the behaviors and lie about them and fear getting caught and being judged and having dire consequences imposed upon me. But I still do them.

I'm so ashamed of them, I don't bring them up in therapy sessions. I tell myself, "not yet," but wonder if anywhere in my mind I really intend bringing them up.

I tell myself that I can 'get over' them on my own but don't take measures to do anything like that. Instead, I just feel more guilty and shamed for not taking those steps.
Click to expand...
When I was in one to one therapy there were certain things I didn't deal with or discuss there, I also thought that I could do it by myself. I couldn't.
I had a superb therapist that I trusted completely, I'm not all that sure why I didn't disclose this one issue at the time, but whatever the reasons - I didn't.
I had talked extensively about my acting out with other men, and in some detail. My wife was also a part of these discussions eventually. And on a scale of 1 to 10, having sex with strange men in public toilets is way past a 10 on the "you did WHAT ?" scale.
But the thing I clung to, a seemingly minor fetish of occassional cross dressing, I kept secret and tried to stop using the techniques I used to stop acting out.
How come they didn't work ? After all, they're both acting out behaviours.

Well, I think the cross dressing thing came from one of my abusers making me wear some womens underwear occassionaly, and I went on to use the association with 'secret sex' - masturbation.
And a 'secret' is a wonderful thing to have, it gives us a feeling of power and pleasure that can be hard to beat, especially when it's associated to sex.
My acting out was a far greater, and potentially more damaging secret. Which is why I mistakenly thought "sort out the big stuff, the rest will get sorted automatically"
But I wasn't able to break that association. The reason being ( I think ) was that I treated this lesser problem exactly the same way as I treated my total problem previously - I thought in circles and tried the same cure for the same problem each and every time. And it didn't work the first time, so why would it work when repeated.

I finally dealt with it in group therapy, and what do you know ? It's no longer an issue for me.

All of our dysunctional behaviours have a cause, and even though the causes might be so similar that we don't think it's worth treating them differently, I believe we do have to take the painful route of dealing with each part in some detail.
I thought "it's all a part of the abuse" which it was, but go down one more level and the way this abuser treated me differently when I was dressed up in womens clothing had a different meaning to me at the time than the regular abuse I suffered.

Maybe the only way to get through these issues that can seem to drag on is to confront them as another individual problem ?

Dave
 
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