The truths and their causes *trigger*

[Sick Puppy]

A post in another thread made me think about this.

How is it that our abusers blame and criticize us for our faults that are directly caused by their abuse? Is it really their fault that we are this way? I don't know...

I tried to make up a list...

The truth: I'm dumb.
Her fault: Maybe I wouldn't be so dumb if you didn't do so much coke while I was in your womb. Maybe I wouldn't be so dumb if you didn't beat me so bad while my brain was still developing. Maybe I wouldn't be so dumb if you had paid any attention to me or stimulated my mind while I was a baby.
Not her fault: It's in my genes. I wasn't born to be smart and I didn't pay enough attention in school so I don't have any real knowledge, either. I'm not good at keeping my mind on things so I can't do math well or things like that. Nothing to do with the abuse.

The truth: I'm a fuck-up.
Her fault: I'm this way because of what you did to me. I learned bad behaviors from you and I was traumatized by your actions. The way I learned to act was the way that kept me alive in your house but once the threat was removed this way of acting was not compatible with the outside world. It's your fault I am this way because of the effects of the abuse that you caused me.
Not her fault: I lack ambition. I am lazy. I'm too dumb to make any good of myself. I'm emotionally immature and can't do well in the world. If I applied myself better and had stayed in school and away from drugs I would be doing well now. I'm the shame of the family because I like to sit around all day and feel sorry for myself.

The truth: I'm emotionally immature.
Her fault: I couldn't develop normally because of the abuse. I was delayed or halted completely and grew up with an emotional age much younger than my physical one. I never had the chance to develop normally because I needed special care as a baby (being premature and drug-addicted) and you did not even give me the kind of care that a healthy baby needs. You gave me no care at all and that was the start of the problem. Then you abused me, manipulated me, neglected me and used me for sex so now I'm still a little child emotionally.
Not her fault: I never grew up because I expected everyone to do everything for me. I felt that I was allowed to slack off and act immature because of my past. It's my own fault I haven't grown up because I am not taking responsibility for my own immaturity. If I worked at it I could be mature and become independant. It's just my own stubbornness and laziness that holds me back.

The truth: I'm gay.
Her fault: A mother is a child's first role model for the female of the species. A child learns from his mother and father what a man and a woman are like. I learned from you that women were abusive, cold, manipulative and scary. Conversely, I learned from my father that men were warm and giving and safe. I also learned from you that men liked to have sex with me. Growing up I have been unable to form close emotional attachments to women and I can't think of a woman without comparing her to you. Since I am a sexual creature like any other human, and I cannot be with a woman, my mind developed so that I want to be with a man instead.
Not her fault: It's just genetic, a coincidence, or an unconscious choice. If it's genetic then that's pretty straightforward. Perhaps my homosexuality was caused by something in my childhood, but something not related to abuse, or perhaps I could be straight if I really wanted to. Maybe I just went this way out of habit. Maybe I thought it would be easier to understand the same sex than the opposite sex, or maybe I just wanted the attention that being gay would bring me.

There are more but I'm tired. I guess I just wonder if blaming things on my mother is just a way to ignore my own responsibility for how I am today.

 

[RickL]

Josh,

This is good introspection. It has me thinking. Because I go back and forth between blaming my dad for my problems, and taking the pro-active steps I need to get over those problems. As much as we might be "right" about a parent's role in how we turned out, the fact is that as adults, the only way to change is to take pro-active responsibility for our actions and healing.

Josh, what you write about being "dumb" is not my experience of you from your posts, which are thoughtful and insightful. Are those the qualities of a "dumb" person?

I do relate to emotional immaturity. I have made lots of progress that way over the years, but I definitely remember being emotionally immature for my age in my teens and 20's especially. And I know that comes from abuse--especially the emotional and verbal abuse. It comes from the lack of affirmation of growing up in a sick and codependent household. I really notice it with college aged men and women. Those who grew up with nurturing, supportive families have an emotional maturity about them that can be astounding. Those who grew up in undermining families show those signs of low self esteem, and that emotional immaturity.

Then the part of sexual orientation. It's been a mixed bag for me, and many times I feel asexual, just to pull back from all the confusion. I do believe that is very related to my abuse, and the resulting lack of positive affirmation from other boys or men. But underneath the confusion, I believe I was born "straight", and for me recovery also literally means "recovering" my manhood which the abuse stole.

Now about how you framed these issues. I don't mean to sound like I'm splitting hairs, but the framing of these things as "truth" and "fault" can be very limiting. When I declare something about myself as "truth", it gives it that "locked in cement" kind of feeling. Actually, much of what you call "the truth" are really states which can be fluid or can evolve or change. It may seem like I'm getting hung up on semantics, but this stuff can be powerful. Just like a positive or negative affirmation can change our behavior or experience for better or worse.

No dumb fuck-up could be as thought provoking as what you've shared here! Thanks for posting it.

Rick

 

[hanginon]

Originally posted by Sick Puppy:
The truth: I'm gay.


The inclusion of your sexual preference here is of concern to me. I realize that for many on this board being gay is confusing because it is often tied to abuse as a child. However, I wish we could stop internalizing that "being gay" is a negative thing. It is, from my perspective, a GOOD thing.

The sooner we start understanding that homosexuality is a part of nature (yes, there are gay animals) and that there is a reason for this that is NOT tied to child abuse but rather a part of the diversity of life, the sooner we can heal. I know being gay is difficult in many contemporary societies, including in the US, but treating it as a pejorative lifestyle reinforces and perpetuates all the negative stereotypes about being gay.

What I guess I am trying to say is, "It's okay to be gay!"
If all the homosexuals were eliminated from the history books and we took away all their wonderful contributions to the arts and sciences (not to mention politically), the world would be a much gloomier and dull place!

 

[bowman]

Originally posted by Sick Puppy:


The truth: I'm dumb.

this clearly isn't the truth about you. anyone who reads your posts can see that.

I didn't pay enough attention in school so I don't have any real knowledge, either. I'm not good at keeping my mind on things so I can't do math well or things like that. Nothing to do with the abuse.

not being able to concentrate can be a direct result of abuse. How could you possibley concentrate in school or in general if you were wondering where the next assault was going to come from, or dissociating, or suffering from PTSD?

The truth: I'm a fuck-up.

Not her fault: I lack ambition. I am lazy. I'm too dumb to make any good of myself. I'm emotionally immature and can't do well in the world. If I applied myself better and had stayed in school and away from drugs I would be doing well now. I'm the shame of the family because I like to sit around all day and feel sorry for myself.

I know how you feel there, as a fellow fuck up who doesn't have a lot to show from the last fifteen years of his life. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with bitterness towards myself for not doing better. I am trying to set goals now, and then I get impatient when I can't make them happen right away, but I guess thats the learning process. I think most peole learn this stuff when they are teens, setting goals and working toward the long term payoff, so maybe that goes along with being immature.I think maybe I'm going through teenage phases now, as embarassing as that is.

Originally posted by RickL:

I do relate to emotional immaturity. I have made lots of progress that way over the years, but I definitely remember being emotionally immature for my age in my teens and 20's especially. And I know that comes from abuse--especially the emotional and verbal abuse. It comes from the lack of affirmation of growing up in a sick and codependent household. I really notice it with college aged men and women. Those who grew up with nurturing, supportive families have an emotional maturity about them that can be astounding. Those who grew up in undermining families show those signs of low self esteem, and that emotional immaturity.

This is really insightful, Rick, especially pointing out the effects of emotional abuse.I'm glad you've been able to make progress with this.

Sometimes I think I'm messed up for life, but then I think about how even more immature I USED to be. Maybe there's hope.

Ken

 

[Wuamei]

The truths about me, who & what I really am, have nothing to do with what my mother, any other perps
or anyone else did to me or the consequences of what they did.

The truths about me, who & what I really am, have everything to do with just that, who & what I really am, my true being & self, buried under the pile of crap that is the abuse done to me & what it's done to me.

The truths about me, who & what I really am, are exactly what I make of them, of me, as I shovel off all the shit, find myself as I really was and as I really am, and make of myself who & what I really am meant to be & can be.

Maybe it's a lot of shit and I need a huge shovel
or a small crane. Maybe I need some extra hands with some more shovels or some good crane operators. But the truth is there to be found & to be lived. This I must believe.

Maybe I stink of the shit & need to clean up--but it's not my shit! Any shit I add to the pile of my own free will is my shit & I need to take responsibility & clean that up too. That's the only way I can be me. I must be me.

I will live the truth that is me. I will be me.

Victor

 

[Lloydy]

SP,
There's nothing wrong in blaming things on your mother and anyone else who abused you at all, they're the guilty ones - not you.

I'd be interested to see you you re-write that list sometime soon, on a better day when you're thinking more clearly.
The list is full of so many things that many of us feel or have experienced, but I would venture the thought that what you list as "THE TRUTH" isn't that at all, maybe they should be called 'PERCEPTIONS'.

Dumb, a fuck up - you ? no chance. You're a smart guy who knows what's going on and is making great effort to get past it. Rick's absolutely right.
Emotionally immature - that's what SA does to us, and it's something else youshow signs of overcoming.
Gay - so what ? Hanginon and millions of others are cool with it.


don't overload yourself with guilt that isn't yours, and my opinion is that most of the 'perceived faults' you list aren't yours to feel guilty about.

Dave

 

[guy43]

Another truth for me is --- I play old, programmed into me by my life experiences tapes, until I get tired of them and decide I don't want to listen to the crap (or at least that particular track .

Another truth is --- everyone, even those with rosy/wonderful childhoods and lives, have errors in their thinking about themselves (cognitive distortions).

jer