The Therapy Process

The Therapy Process
J

JRO

Registrant
Greetings - My name is Jason and I live in Portland, Oregon. I have come to this sight a few times but then, out of fear, ran in the opposite direction. Can anyone relate? I guess I am finally at the point in my life where I'm wanting to reach out to others. I have expereiced some healing over the past year, but still have a ways to go. I am working with a new therapist that I like very much.

I am at an interesting point in the "therapy process" right now and could use a new perspective. As is standard procedure (I'm pretty sure) the first couple of weeks were spet just dealing with the "here and now". Where am I. How am I feeling today. Just "on the surface stuff". We then moved on to talking a little more deeply about my abuse and the feelings related to this. We have spent a lot of time dealing with my issues around shame. I have a lot of shame I am still dealing with. I'm wondering what is next for me. Is there a breakthrough point or is everything on a continuem. I have been unemployed for the past year, unable to sustain any relationships - I have lost all of my friends - and basically have spent the past year feeling sorry for myself. I'm sad that I'm at this place in my life right now, but somehow I still have not really truly grived my abuse. I don't know how. I guess being in therapy is good right now - but I've also got to get on with my life. I've got to find a way to move forward again. I'm 29, was engaged, she left me b/c I cheated, I had my own business, this is "on ice", I have been in therapy off an on for about 5 years, but have only really worked consistantly with my current therapist - we've been working together for about 3-4 months.

I'm searching for answers - I feel stuck right now and know I'm not really explaining myself clearly here. I guess my question is for those of you who have been in therapy for some time. Think back to where you were at at 3-4 months. Am I where I'm suppose to be? Why does it feel like I am so disconnected to my emotions? When will I start to feel like myself again? Why does it feel like my therapist is just screwing with my head? I want to trust him, but am afriad of being disappointed.

Here's my real question: What is my therapist doing??

Searching for answers...

~JASON~
 
Jason,

I'm not sure my response is the one you need, since I have been in therapy for a shorter period than you. But what I can see in my own case may be worth saying all the same.

What I am finding is that my own case isn't "like" any others, and that all cases are somehow unique. That said, I do see some things that sound familiar from what others have said. I have had a lot of trouble communicating with my T. Sometimes I just short circuit and sit there staring off into space and emotionally retreat to some kind of "safe place" and try to watch what is going on from there. I didn't know what it was for awhile; but now I am beginning to see it is the crippling feeling of fear, guilt and shame I have. It has also been very difficult to face the fact of how complicated everything is, and how what happened to me years ago (age 11 to 14, I am now 56) has spread to all the rest of my life.

I think all your emotional reactions to therapy are 100% normal. As to the answers, that will depend, I think, on your own circumstances, your own abuse history, how you and your T get along, things like that. I don't think it is useful to ask "Am I where I'm suppose to be?", though the question is one I ask all the time. The answer is that there isn't any schedule. You ask: "When will I start to feel like myself again?" That is already a step forward. I myself still have no idea what it would be like to "feel like myself".

I can really relate to your feelings that you are "disconnected", that your T is screwing with your head, that you aren't making sense in your post, and that the emotional investment in therapy will prove to be a waste of time. I don't have any answers, bro. All I know is that I decided somehow that the road we have chosen is the only way out of this crap. There may be others that look easier, but I am convinced they are all dead ends or will bring me back to exactly where I am right now.

One last thing: your post makes perfect sense, although I am not sure I can say the same for my reply!

Take care,
Larry
 
Larry,

Thank you for your words. At the very least it is nice to know I am not alone. Just getting a response makes me feel like I am heard even though I may not be fully understood.

I woke up this morning and did some journaling. I came up with this: That my addiction to cigarettes is actually and addiction to my abuser. In other words when I was a victim of his power over me as a young child (6-8). I learned at a very young age to self protect and shut out the outside world. I have never really ever lived outside that world of shame. Why would I? This little mini revelation is reminding me of what happened. I am able to see that little boy and how helpless he was. The challenge for me is acknowleging the victimization and moving on. I'm trying my best and I know that is what we are all attempting to do.

I hope my thoughts help. Thank you for being here.

Jason
 
Jason,

I've been in therapy for several years, although the subject of my abuse has just recently been broached.

There are so many issues to deal with surrounding SA, and shame is just one of them. Perhaps your T is leading you into the core of the abuse through the shame issue; I am not a therapist so I can not speak to this. However, as with anything, we have to start somewhere.

So welcome, and I'm sorry you had to seek us out. Stick around There are some good people here.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
 
I would encourage you to take this up with your therapist directly. My personality is such that I don't like to be pushed. So therapists have always had a tough time telling me anything.

But at the same time, when I started therapy I was very passive. I figured he had a game plan. Truth is it wasn't until I started hitting him with specific issues that we started getting somewhere. He had a million great ideas, but until I could point out the problem I wanted to solve he couldn't come up with any insight.

Also, for me therapy was really the tip of the iceberg when it comes to healing. It works great if during a session the therapist can maybe explain a troubling problem or open my eyes to an issue but then give me reading or exercises that I can do on my own. That sort of keeps me on track and sets the agenda for the next session.

Anyway, hope that helps a little.

Good for you for getting therapy and checking out resources like this place. I know I found it really scary, but necessary.

Take care.
 
I saw my first therapist in 1993. I've been in therapy off and on ever since. My therapist is very good at what he does, and he's helped me tremendously. Therapy, though, isn't a service like going to get your car checked. It's more like going to a coach. He cheers me on, shows sympathy, empathy, and prods me. But basically, I'm the one doing the work. And since I'm paying this therapist to help me improve, my motto for all these years has been "Cooperate". The key to therapy for me was to go where I least wanted to go. Talk about what I least wanted to bring up. If it was easy to bring up to the therapist, I wasn't getting my money's worth. If it made my insides turn into jello, that was probably the path of choice.

It has worked for me. There is no "where I should be" in therapy. Every human experience is different. What took me 12 years may take you a month, but what I whizzed through in 2 weeks may take you another 5 years. Please don't try to fit your healing into some kind of spreadsheet. We can't think ourselves through this one. It's all about feeling and relearning a new way of life.

In order to progress, I pushed myself. This site and joining some kind of survivor group has helped almost more than all those years of therapy. Knowing we're not alone. Practicing trust. The best way to practice trust with your therapist is to tell him the worst things in your mind. Over time, I found this therapist was not going to hurt me. And if my therapy wasn't progressing, I told him so. We'd talk, and try a different tactic.

It does get better. I still have bad days, but they're bad days instead of bad months. The good days come more often now. I may talk to a therapist from time to time for the rest of my life. I may never "graduate" completely, but it does get better. Like an old injury, the knee may hurt from time to time, but at least I can walk on it.

I hope the best for your recovery. Please be patient with yourself. We're all in this together.
 
Jason

Thank you very much for posting your message. I am in a similar situation as you, perhaps I have been here for a few more months. The relationship I have with my Therapist is the most challenging one I have right now, but that is because I have needed to be by myself this last while. Can I trust him, logically I can, but emotionally I have all these questions. I don't want to get hurt and it has felt in the past when I trust I get hurt, physically and emotionally.

My approach today is to be with this fear and to talk about it with my Therapist. I am determined to have a different life, no matter how painful this is, I am going to work through this stuff. My life has to be different. I want to be the true person that I am.

I have been reading a book called, Broken Boys, Mended Men, it is very good. The key point that I read recently is that I must build my relationship with the little boy inside of me, I need to build trust with him, he is terrified and scared and sure that someone is going to hurt him. Today I am the adult and all the things that happened to me as child cannot happen again because I am the adult that will step in and ensure that no one hurts the little boy inside of me.

I think that it is going to take time for me but I am going to work at this. Perhaps it will be different from how I approach other things in my life, I am goal motivated and accomplish many outcomes, perhaps this is letting go of the control and trusting. Ironic isn't, I need to trust in order to learn about trust. I have heard different people talk about how accomplished something and a common point they have made is that they don't think about what they are doing they just do it - perhaps that is related to the trust that they can do what they are doing - self esteem?????

Thank you again, your post was excellent, it gives me hope for myself, I see that you are doing it. I am not alone, there are other men out there who are doing the same type of work.

David
 
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